I tried posting on your birthday and a few other times, but I am doing something wrong because if logs me out without posting.  Happy birthday my son.  I miss you.  Well, you know that I miss you and that every day seems so hard now.  Ya know just breathing and trying to get through each second seems really hard.  There are moments I laugh and in those moments I still feel a weight of heavy loss.  You are my son, my son, this world does not always understand that I lost my son, in many ways it is like I have to go on and be ok, but I don't feel ok.  Losing you only gets harder.  I am not sure if the tears ever stop falling or if the pain gets easier I only know right now I fight to keep my tears in check and do my best not to allow the pain to paralyze me.  I just miss you and the world seems different now.  At a young age I had Taya and you and that made me whole, then Cecilia, Nikki, MiMi and the grandkids adding to the list of people I love.  Losing you added a forever hole in my chest.  I still just cannot believe God called you home.  I still wish you went to the hospital.  I miss your laugh.  I miss you calling me "Mother". I miss your stories.  And seeing you on facebook.  Yeah this is impossible.  The world does not understand that when a person dies there is a mom that is not ok.  Like in no way could I be ok.  I realize things differently now.  I shake my head in disbelief that the strongest person I know is gone.  It just is not ok.  I love you my son.

Your birthday is almost here again.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye... I could never be ready.  Honestly my life is on its knees barely surviving your passing.  I barely see you in my dreams now.  It hurts that Facebook memories and dreams bring you to me now.  Still I wonder why, why did God feel the need to do this!  Never does a person know true pain until their child or soul mate is gone.  I write with other parents like me...we suffer daily and for some we suffer for the rest of our lives.  You, Taya, Cecilia, Nikki, and MiMi are my world.  I miss you my son and I do not know how to be me again....these tears fall out daily and my mind finds no peace.  So never will I understand a child passing before the parent.  The human heart is not made for this sadness.  I love you my son.

Billy you are truly missed. You were a hard working man. You loved your family. You've been to hell and back and came back better man for yourself, Jo, and your children. Until we meet again. God bless you 🙏 and your family. You will never be forgotten. 

Billy, I knew you from when you were first born.  I was Aunt Kathy for the first 12 years of your life.  Then fate led us on different paths.  We revived our friendship the last 3 years of your life

At one time you said "I've known you a long time, right?"  I told you let me put it this way Billy, I changed your diapers" I could hear him laugh as he said "yeah, I guess that is a long time".  I am so glad fate decided to revitalize our friendship.   You did make me laugh.  I thoroughly enjoyed the time we were allowed.  Thank you for calling me your friend.

A year now and still it is too much for our hearts daily.  I miss you so much.  We cry we cry a lot.  There is still so much to say.   Still I speak to you only my conversations include tears.  I see you often in my sleep.  I treasure those dreams....even if only a dream.  In a year my thoughts in life greatly changed and changing.  Your passing caused me to see life different now.  And I know I'll never be the same, a former shell of myself constantly.  Losing you my son doesn't stop changing me because honestly every day all day my emotions are everywhere.  It hurts ..every second of life just hurts now.  I know some could never understand the pain I live with now...and I hope they never do.  There are so many things I wish you and I had thought of.  I know you will greet me first in heaven of this I know without doubt now.  I will never understand why you didn't go to the hospital why you suffered the way you did, but I know you thought you would be ok.  Only God knows when and why.  I want to believe you are in heaven a better place.  I don't fully understand the Bible, I just know what God allowed me to see the night of your passing.  Your conversations bring me peace too, but it isn't enough because I'd give anything to have you here.  I love you Billy and I miss so much about you.  I'm proud to be your Mom you never gave up on your goals even if they felt impossible you never gave you and you made this world laugh.  God made me your mom...we have so many funny memories more than many families are blessed with and I know you brought a ton of laughter to our lives.  I just wish you was here.  I'll always love you death does not cancel love.  I'll miss you until you greet me at my time.  Watch over us with your protective spirit.  I love you my son!  When we learn losing someone hurts more with each day.

This is all just too much.  My mind is stuck in loss.  It is just too painful.  I could never imagine you would die.  I could never know that there are losses that we do not recover from.  I miss you.

Gosh...my feelings still stuck at losing you.  I still can't believe or understand yet it is.  I think there is no peace in your passing. I wished you listened and went to the hospital.  I wonder if you went to the hospital would you still be here or would my heart still be crying.  Never could I imagine someone could cry this hard for so many days.  But what did I know?  They say, "I can't imagine," correct because there are no words to accurately describe the ache. I miss just knowing you are a phone call away and more so, it crushed me knowing I will never see you again.  A phone call to hear your voice no more.  Knowing your kids have to miss all the opportunities to tell their Dad.  Gosh.  The loss Jo endures.  This is all too much to understand.  

Michael has this beautiful and wonderful girlfriend Kameron. They are having a wonderful time. This is the first time he ever brought someone home. I love it! They seem so happy.  I wish I could talk to you.  I know you are watching.  I love you and miss you! Play in peace Playboy! ✌️ 

We miss you.