I had a dream last night I didn't see you but you kept repeating, "I'm on my way, 6/30".  The last few months has been hard.  I'm trying so hard to keep it together.  Seen Gianna Friday, we laughed, cried, laughed, gosh she is so beautiful.  Talked with William, you would be so proud of him! Had a vivid vision of you in Walmart parking lot.  Basically my mind misses you and I hurt to where my soul is wondering lost.  Just fight to hold in tears, fight to hold in my screams, fight to go on, life is dull, and it is crazy that as wild as you were you provided so much color in this family.  Gosh I miss hearing your laugh.  Wish I could tell you and Cecilia to keep it down or see you and MiMi in a pogo contest.  Anything anything at all.  This is horrible the worst of all wrongs is when a mother loses her child.  Like why why did God have to take you, I'll never fully understand why.  My soul is really lost.  Billy I miss you my son 

I just wanted you to stay.  To say that I am truly heartbroken.  There is just no finding my way back.  Just before and after.  And I'm not sure how to do this 

The world feels empty.  It surely will never be the same.  Yet, for me I don't understand why I feel numbness of thoughts when I can physically feel my heart swelling all of my waking hours.  MiMi said the other day that he feels like he has been holding his breath in since the day you died.  We cry together and we cry on our own.  I just want to hear your voice like this isn't real.  My personality tries to survive and I know I'm creditably strong because without strength I'd no longer be here.  In ways I am no one here.  Although I'm visible.  No one truly understands how unimaginable a loss of a child is unless unfortunately there child has died.  The world feels empty.  It feel quiet without your booming presence near or far.  So profound you was that your memories are my oxygen.  Billy I miss you I miss life before that day.  I think about our stupid memories and wish we knew then what we know now.  I know the Bible says you are no longer tied to this world, and I know I heard your voice wake me two times.  I wish you would visit me when I close me eyes.  I wish this for the rest of my life wasn't real.  The holidays got me this year.  I can't wait until they are over.  Although I make sure to treasure every memory with your siblings and niece still I feel your passing in every aspect.  I love you my son.

💔💚💔

The death of someone you love is one of the most difficult things human beings will face and the "after" forces you to do the impossible - finding a way to do life without them and nothing feels more impossible than that ...

The loss of a loved one is one of life's most devastating experiences, tearing apart the innocence of your existence and leaving a void that nothing can fill. It forces you into a reality you never wanted, where their absence is felt in every moment, every breath. The routines and connections that once felt effortless now serve as constant reminders of what’s gone, reinforcing the pain. Yet somehow we survive, we put one foot in front of the other and we take the first steps into a new and unfamiliar existence, an existence we thought impossible, and we begin a life in the "after".

Artist Credit ~ unknown

An existence you are forced to live, and relive all day everyday until you yourself take your last breath. This pain is endless.  Does it get easier now not easier it gets different.  I will always grieve for you my son.  I miss you and I love you.

I miss you more and more.  Today is another harder day as every day is hard, but times these emotions are more raw hard to keep pushing back the tears.  Picking up the pieces and wiping my tears both keep falling.  I wonder if I look as heartbroken as I feel .. it's raining today I'm driving to work, but I want to go back to bed and just stay there I honestly wonder how I do this everyday feeling this broken the pain of losing you and having to live thos life without you my son.  I want to scream.  

I'm still lost,  still heartbroken, trying to figure out how to survive your passing.  My words express death, depression, family, kids, big thing and little things, what is important what isn't, time, life, happiness, grief I feel everything in every aspect of life differently now, even love.  I love more now.  I know that death can't end love.  My family I have always loved and I always will not matter what even if the communication is no more or the distance is far.  My kids I treasure more because I never lived like I might live longer.  Yes we have times that love might not feel loved however I've learned that for some loving your kids grows deeper each second no matter what happens in between the time.  Death is the worst thing that can happen to anyone the person who died loses the most and the griever losses themselves.  Grief is not depression.  Depression can be fixed - grief can't.  I know I will grieve every second for the rest of my life. When I think about the years I will live without you and your sister I feel the crushing in my heart.  I'll never know how a mom survives after their child dies even though I'm still alive.  Living happy and living longing to have your child are strangers of different worlds.  Every day I feel incomplete.  I try to move forward, but sometime back I realized who ever I was before thought it was possible to try to heal.  It isn't possible for me because each of you is who I am.  If I lost an arm, leg, etc I could heal.  Losing you is worse then losing my arms and legs.  I smile at all our great memories.  I wish we had less arguments.  I am proud of you you never gave up even when it wasn't easy.  I thank you with all of me for the conversations we had the last ten or so months of your life, those conversations were a gift.  My son I miss you.  I try to figure this all out but I am asking myself, "How how did this happen"?  Why why God why because my heart is barely able to stay out of mental insanity.  How does God expect me to move forward!  I'll always be in the time you was here and the day you left my future froze in time on that most horrible day.  I want to say so many things different now.  If only I knew.  I want to say Billy if you die how will I be, how about Joanna, who is going to protect Gianna, and your sons they are apart of the future what about all of us!  Go to the hospital.  If any of us only knew.  I miss you.  I love you.  I'm here only and you aren't and this is too hard.  I can't I'm not sure how long and I'll never be ok.  

Each day is a struggle.  The world thinks I should be the old me.  I don't understand how people think I'm ok.  I am not ok.  I am not sure if I ever will be.  I am still forcing myself to get out of bed.  I'm still feeling overwhelming emotions.  I miss you every second of each day.  I feel my sadness when I'm smiling and laughing.  It breaks my heart knowing I will never speak to you again.  I think ...how am I supposed to live a life without you.  How can a mom be happy or full without their child.  Your memories I play over and over and I have the time and love, but it isn't enough to heal your passing.  So crazy that people don't understand how hard it is to breathe when your child dies.  I'm not going to validate the difference of my life now versus before your passing.  I am not ok right now and I miss you and I have to get out of bed to take care of my family that is all I can and have to do.  Billy I miss you that pain chokes my chest every day.  

I miss you son.  I hear our conversations replay over and over.  Life is harder without you.  I miss your text, your calls, smh, laughing with you, giving you advice, seeing you, dancing with you, telling jokes, telling memories, making more memories, telling you and Cecilia to keep it down because you are both crazy and making us all laugh loudly in the drive, seeing you drive away from the house, your smile that lit up your soul, you and MiMi competing on the pojo stick, throwing a football in the front yard, seeing you love dogs, seeing you and Jo's love, seeing you achieve after all your struggles, your pictures walking out of the mall, this list has no ending.  I miss you more than I can feel.  My tears still falling because my heart is crushed.  I'm just not sure how I'm ever going to find any healing when losing you is immeasurable.  I never thought I'd have to learn to live without my kids.  God is near the broken hearted the Bible says, then God must be near me everyday.  Im still asking God why!  I still look up to the clouds everyday with conversation and walk away with tears crushing my soul.  I'm am angry that in losing you I am learning.  It hurts thinking I wouldn't be thinking so many things until you died.  Each day I was thankful all of you was ok didn't matter if we talked or didn't because we always had another day another chance it was never final until it was.  I realize more now.  I'd give my life to share my thoughts with you.  One day you will greet me I don't look forward to that day because Cecilia, Nikki, MiMi and Amelia will hurt missing me, but I know you will be there to hug me.  I wish we had 30, 40, 50 more years here on earth so that we didn't know the measures of loss, the sleepless nights, the time stolen, the never agains, the tears, the emptiness upon our souls, this loss is too much as it is endless.  Billy I love you my son.  I smile at your life, not the struggles you endure.  I smile with pride because you never gave up and you did it your way.  You found Jo and her peace helped you find your way.  I will always be thankful that you had such love during your life.  I can see you being silly and hear you calling to me, Hey maw or hello mother.  Sometimes when I close my eyes I see you quickly in the corners of the darkness.  I'm not sure why I stopped seeing you in my dreams.  I kind of know your soul is not here now.  Still I miss you every second.

I just miss you.

Nothing has felt ok since you left.

I'm trying my son I'm trying.  One foot in front of the other like a program while my is exploding in grief.  Still I have to accept I can't fix this.  I'm lost in this world without you, I'm shattered, each day and ocean of grief and endless mountains of why.  I still don't understand why why my son why you!  Does God not understand that he broke our hearts?   I miss you.  What is the quality of life for a mom without her child, with every breath I take I'm not ok.  Gosh.  My son I miss you there are so many laughs we still needed to have.  You would be so proud of Michael and William, finally meet Jared, Kyle and Gianna almost adults...so much missed.  This is the hardest life to  live, I'm trying to pick up the pieces to which there can be no end.  I love you my son.

I currently have a grief headache.  My mind is flooding with thoughts of how much I miss you, how can this be true, why, how dare they, God I don't understand, Billy Billy Billy Billy, how am I supposed to ever be ok, does the pain ever become manageable, and the ache wheels spin so fast I can't concentrate.  Life is exhausting.  I feel bitter, numb, devastated, lost, so so so very sad.  I can't get a handle on this, I don't even try, I don't know how.  I could never imagine living life without you in it.  It is an impossible lonely journey.  I have changed drastically as a result.  I know who I was but not who I am now.  I rarely sleep well.  I care less and less and feel myself slipping more and more away, I am struggling to win.  I have almost no tolerance which is scary.  I am angry that God took you from me and anger that many no longer speak your name ...maybe it's in my head, maybe they don't want to upset me.  It doesn't take much of much about anything to upset now... I'm miserable, truly heartbroken and spend almost every waking minute in grief.  God has punished us in the harshest way imaginable and the depth of its consequence is a bottomless wonder.  Never ever could I think you would die.  I love you so much you were my breath, all five of you.  How does a mom ever live a good life without her child!  What was God thinking!  We didn't fully understand how dynamic you was and now I suffer with wanting to sit and see it all before it was too late.  My son I just want you back.  I close my eyes every night with a prayer that you'll be there waiting.

Wishing you a happy birthday.  Today is really upsetting...so much hurt to try to hold myself together.  I miss you always.  I love you my son.

In my mind I see your many memories usually with your smile.  Your smile was powerful it made the world brighter.  Being your mom of course to me all of you, my kids, have that powerful smile, a laugh that produces laughter.  But, still I wish I treasured every day fuller.  I wish I never looked away, lost my temper, wish I was less pushing and more tender, wish every second shared was all smiles.  We do not know when someone will leave us forever.  Neither do we know how it will make us feel.  Losing you imprisoned my soul to grief.  I miss you calling me.  I miss knowing you are there.  I miss you and it is honestly shattering.  At times I want to scream... I'm not ok I'm really not, beg God to send you back, pray for a visit while I sleep.  Lord knows I'll miss you everyday.  I know it doesn't get easier that's just words people say to help, but living without you is never going to get easier...how is that even possible.  I'm angry too.  Upset that you are gone.  Upset that people don't act like it matters. Anger is an element of grief; and so is reality.  I love you my son, still too hard to understand.  

The Flame:

There’s an order that life is supposed to follow.

An order of breaths we are supposed to take, as if we are passing a torch from one generation to the next.

And our torch is supposed to go out before our child’s flame is extinguished.

We are supposed to watch them take their first breath. But not their last.

We are supposed to hear the thud-thud of their heart when it starts beating. But never the silence when it stops.

That heart that we once carried inside of us. That breath that we gave them. That life that we kept safe, protected.

So when the order of life is disrupted, when their torch goes out before yours, it is as if you too have been robbed of your breath and as if your heart has stopped beating as well.

There is nothing that can make it less painful. You would happily blow out your flame if it meant theirs could burn. But you can’t. Even though that’s how it should be.

So all you can do is carry them inside you - like you did once before. Except now they have to stay in your heart forever.

And though it hurts, just know that they are safe there. They are protected. Because a mother’s love is unending. Because it burns forever with every breath you take and with every beat your heart makes.

Because a mother’s love is a flame that can never be extinguished. 

Billy, I miss you every second.  I would give my world if I could so that your flame would still burn.  Never could I know you would go to meet God before me.  I could never be prepared to live this life without you.  I know you will come to hug me when God takes my spirit.  In this life I miss you and my heart knows I am forever broken without you.  I try to find a normal existence, a way to not suffocate in grief, but there is nothing.  All of my life I will miss you, cry for you.  I love you my son.

I'm so sad I hate that you are gone I miss you everyday more and more and more.  Do you hear me talk to you, look down on my tears, whisper it will be ok even though it never will be, all just wishes I know, but I miss you my son I love you more do we get a do over to fix all our mistakes all the things we did that hurt each other no we don't but if we could we would I know.  I am so broken now I just wish you was here with us making us laugh taking a picture.  I miss you. I don't know how to be this me I don't want to.  I accept that everyday is sad now and it doesn't make a difference what I do everyday hurts there really isn't anymore being ok nothing is ok.  This month is collapsing my soul more and more not sure what to do other than cry and talk to you.  In my mind you are always as handsome and strong as the last time I seen you we were walking away from each other instead of hugging goodbye I know we talked and laughed after by phone but still I wish I could get that last time back.  You are smiling and being silly making me laugh and I am proud you are my son.  You and Cecilia are being too loud in my driveway and jo is laughing like I am too.  Those are the memories keeping me glued together.  Honestly I'm not sure how much longer the glue will hold because honestly everyday is harder and that's no lie.  Memories of love the strongest glue in the world.  I miss you my son.  I love you forever for all time.  I just wish you was here and I'd be ok.

There isn't one day that goes by I'm not fighting tears and wiping them from my face.  Life is devastating and I'm still trying to be ok.  I'll miss you for the rest of my life.  A life changed forever when a mom loses her child.  You the strongest of us all it is too much to understand why why you why so young!!!  Life can never be the same mostly I accept there are no solutions on how to be ok now.  People think in time I will be ok or that I should be ok, but you are not their son you are my son and I miss you, I'm lost and forever broken.  I know you wouldn't want me there live this way, but honestly losing you makes being ok impossible.  I look at the sky and tears fall.  I love my Billy.

Today is another heavy tearful day.  Last year I must have been in shock because last year every day felt devastating so it didn't make a difference if it was a day or a holiday.  This year I feel the difference in my hearts intense grieving.  This year the holidays are adding depression to my devastated soul.  I have had thousands of conversations with you in my head, in my car, in the yard, walking there is still so much to say.  To say I'm sorry for every argument we had.  That I was not prepared.  That I'm proud of you because it wasn't easy for you to not quit but you stayed strong always striving to reach the man you wanted to be and my son we were looking at the present not seeing the full pictures.  But you carried your cross much longer than you should have.  To remember all of your struggles hurts and shatters me too.  But still you succeeded in spite of all your obstacles with Joanna you succeeded, she was your angel here on earth.  That the two of you was blessed to have each other.  I worry about Jo I will always.  I miss you.  I love you still everyday like you are still on earth and that love will never fade.  I wish I knew how sick you was so I could have begged you to go to the hospital.  I know if you knew it wasn't going to be ok you would have gone. I know if you had a choice you would be here with us.  I know you understand your path now.  I wish I could have stood with you in heaven so you was not alone.  And I know it isn't my time.  But it is my path that I suffer until my last day.  It isn't ok that God took you home.  My heart is shattered, son I'm afraid for my future.  I wonder how long I can endure this pain without helping to end my suffering.  But I push myself through those lung tight times.  Here and there I laugh or sing now those times are habits that are slowing creeping back into my life but they are never as before you left.  Before you left it didn't make a difference to me if the world disappeared as long as I had my kids.  My life is no longer full and it never will be because there is always someone missing.  A family isn't full when heaven is home until we are reunited.  Even when one of you are not talking to me I am ok because you are ok and that is all that ever matters to me, but death there is no ok. The loss of you changed me forever.   When a mother gives birth she surrenders her life willing to her child if her child departs this earth he takes his mom with him because the woman left behind is a shell of their memories.  If God said you can only have him for 39 years I would wrap my arms around you as my son for 39 years on earth and forever in love.  The only thing I would change is your suffering and now mine.  I'm sorry my son I'm not sure why God called to you, I'm sorry we didn't see it, I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you, I'm sorry God didn't grant my prayers.  I would give/do anything to have you here.  I'm not sure how to ease this pain maybe there is no release until I see you again.  I have always and will always love my kids more than anything in this world so I don't see my grieving ending.  I love you this you have always known even if you didn't want to.  And I know you always loved me as much.  You and Cecilia always made me laugh until it hurt.  I use so many of your funny memories to survive.  I love you my son.

One of the conversations we had when I was in the hospital you said to me, "Mom you are a great person, a great Mom, you have always had it going on, always, like not here or there, but always"!  Today those words are bringing tears.  No longer, I'm not a person who has it going on, now I'm a mom whose heart is broken.  My son, who knew we would be here so soon.  I have no resolutions now.   There is no healing here...just a crushed heart a heart full of tears.  I miss you my son I miss you always.  I see the world through a different lens now.  At this time I see a selfish world.  A world that has little empathy and understanding while I'm drowning in grief.  I try to find my way back to whoever is left of me before God called to you, but I know that me is gone, so I pray the Lord will help me help get through the time without you here.

Looking at your pictures again tonight, I do that often.  Tonight it shattered my thoughts knowing I'd never see a new picture.  You was so beautiful my son, a great smile and a lot of comedy in your soul...a bright star.  I love you Billy.  I miss you.  There is so much I wish I had said and more now.  I'm forcing myself to be here.  Your passing is really just too hard.  I don't think the world knows how hard my life is now.  I could never imagine God would take my child.  I just wish you was here.  I am quiet, broken, lost, unsure so unsure.  I love you my son.

How do I live so sad!  Your passing changed my world.  So many emotions and yet none matter.  This hurt is suicidal, but my mind screams and demands me to find a way to live with a broken heart.  My son I miss you.  I miss your laugh, your uhha, your let me ask you something, what do you think, your plan to buy a house, your funny post on Facebook, you getting to meet Jared, having all your kids together I knew in my heart you would get that someday, but I was wrong, you selling stuff, songs on the radio.  Today a wild loud fast song came on I started crying because I could still see us all having fun in the car dancing and singing along and cracking up.  Billy I miss you.  Life is so sad.  I know that you would want me to be happy... I'm just not sure how that is possible when mostly I feel gone.  I try I try to move forward find a way to not drown in this devastating wrong.  I will keep pushing myself I hope.  I am proud of you my son.  Your life was so hard and you never gave up instead you just kept becoming a better man.  I love you my son.  

Every day is so hard now.  Walking this world with a deep sadness which all of time cannot ease.  I miss you.

As I sit here another day in tears I'm still not sure how to survive your passing.   You know nothing feels ok, nothing feels real or I just feel completely detached.  All emotions feel like an out of body experience.  And I have anger too that I'm ignoring hoping it finds peace on its own because it has no place in my life.  You are my son and God called to you too early.  I try I try I truly try with every bit of me to understand what I can only guess.  We guess the whys to find a way to accept to try to somehow make it easier, but not this time.  This time there is no easier.  There is only devastating loss.  I read the obituary again today, I don't read it much, mostly I look at your pictures and post, but Jennifer wrote a great obituary, I'm sure it couldn't been easy for her and yet some are upset that Jenn wrote it, but reading her heart I am thankful because Jenn wrote a beautiful obituary for you.  Some have too much to say and that causes me additional emotions in what is the hardest time of my life.  This time has no expiration... I will grieve for you the rest of my life.  My mind will forever wonder, my heart forever broken, my tears for now they fall, my emotions are everywhere and nowhere...and I miss you every second of my life.  I feel that loss every second in every thought and that's just seriously the truth no exaggerating.  Losing my child broke me.  A few times my memories float to when I was an unstoppable force but grief floats that old me right out the window.  There is nothing in this world that hurts more than losing your child in any form death, estrangement, distance, etc.  In your death it has taught me so much is not important.  I wish you was here and I'm truly not sure what now.