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Joe Huang
2020, Great Smoky Mountains, United States
August 24, 2020. Chimney’s Top. The Smoky Mountain. We started as a big group hiking up. A happy group. Half way up, I challenged the big kids to beat me to the top. If they do, I would build the fire for them for marshmallow tonight. Then I walked. And I walked. Soon I was all by myself. And soon, at the top, all by myself, at 5:38 PM. It used to be you, James, waiting for me at the top, taking in the views with your camera.

Then it’s 5:44 PM. Still alone at the top. I shouted out at you. Did you hear me? I knew the mountains did. My call to you bounced off the mountains, trailed away into the smoky clouds, off to eternity.

At this hour and this minute one day, seventeen years ago, I whispered your name at you, face to face, for the first time, And I knew you heard it. Because you were just in my arms. Your eyes closed. But I knew you heard me for sure.

This time, I shouted out your name, at the top of the mountain, with all I had in me. Did you hear it, James? It started to rain soon after. The journey down was hard. The journey without you is hard. You had become my little brother for so long. I’d been so spoiled with you reliably by my side in all those journeys. Why didn’t I tell you that when I had the chances?

James. You have flown too fast, too far, haven’t you?

Love you baby.
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August 22, 2020. On highway 81 to the Smoky Mountain, Milo, the sweet kitten you named and we took home just ten days before you left us behind, was meowing right behind me. Without any thought, I answered every one of his call. And then, it dawned on me why. Fifteen years ago, we played the exact same game when I was behind the wheel. Except that I was calling your name, and you were answering every one of my call from behind, in your car seat. You were one year old, and just started talking. And I was that silly but proud dad, excited around you all the time. We would go 20, 30, 50 rounds just like that. Never got tired. Until we stoped the car, and I pecked at your chubby cheeks.

We planned for this Smoky Mountain trip with your childhood friends, and uncles and aunts who watched you grow up. You were supposed to be at the wheel. Just like you were supposed to be driving us to Virginia Beach on July 20. How I had looked forward to our first road trip as your passenger.

We had done our family road trips on all sides, and all corners of the United States. Starting with you in the backseat, then at my side. You had been my great navigator since little, with the phone in your hand, giving me turn by turn instructions. You would also look up food stops and call ahead to place the order, so that we could pick up the food and drive on, eating in the car, with a crazy dad like me and the crazy itinerary.

Now, sitting in the wood cabin, among the buoyant voices of your childhood friends and happy chats of those who have given you so much love, I am feeling all alone but you.

Today is our first family trip, without you, my James. Today we put the house you loved on the market. Today we tried to escape. But my James, today we are not abandoning you.

James, we are trying to move on without moving on.

Love you baby.
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August 21, 2018. We landed in Osaka, Japan. That first day in the country. We took the trains from statios that were unbelievably orderly. We walked the streets that were incredibly neat and clean. We met people that were super friendly and polite. We strolled on the river bank with warm and colorful signs and beautiful lanterns the whole way. I said, "I love this place. And I may want to live here sometime." James, you were happy there, though not as excited as I was with that place.

How would I know? How could I know? The country that drew me in just two years ago, would have such a big role in your fate in less than two years. Out of two hunderd countries in the world, why would this one, the one with so many friendly and kind-hearted people, produce such a sick culture? A culture so sick, that three months in it was all it needed to take my beautiful and sunny boy away?

James. I am still trying. With a lot of helps from very, very kind people. Please just be patient with me.

Love you baby.
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August 18. What is August 18? Three August 18 ago, we were visiting Greek relics in Athens. Two August 18 ago, we were climbing the Great Wall in Beijing. One August 18 ago, you were riding high in Disneyland with Cynthia and mom. Remember how we heard Disney parks were closed just a short few months ago, and said how lucky we were to have gone the summer before, at the dinner table?

This coming August 18? It will mark one month of daily weeping. Oh James. Miss you baby.

James. I am writing to you tonight. Not tomorrow. Because my quest to the WHY will take me to an impossible task tomorrow. I will see the pictures and relive that day. You have left me what you want me to see. But I am sorry baby. Dad is not as smart as you. Nor as sensitive as you. Nor as perceptive as you. But I still will try my best to catch up with you. Maybe one day, if mom or Cynthia wants the answer, I will have it ready for them.

James. You are free to fly now. Wherever you are, just remember to take a rest. We will always be talking to you. Wherever you are, you are always in our hearts. Love you baby.
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James. You love birds. The ph…
2011
James. You love birds. The photo you love the most is the bird flying away you took in Seattle when you were 13. The watercolor you hung in your study always is this one you made at 8. It’s been four weeks now. How far have you flown? Love you baby.
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Helping hands

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$190.00
Raised by 3 people
I think one of my fondest memories of James was when we were filming the Freshman year spirit video. We were at Arul's house filming some of his bedroom scenes. I remember we planned for the first shot of the video to be of Arul opening his Biology textbook and putting it on his table. It was supposed to be a very simple scene, just about 5 seconds long with no dialogue. However, if I recall, it took about 20-30 minutes and I'm pretty sure that scene had at least 50 different takes! I don't know why, but it was either me or Arul that kept laughing uncontrollably in the middle of the scene and James would have to cut. Other times, Arul couldn't open the textbook and we started laughing or James wasn't able to stabilize the camera. I remember we had this pencil that we wanted to use as a prop, so Arul could use it to do homework for the scene. We realized we lost the pencil and couldn't find it anywhere. Then, on the next take for the scene of Arul opening his textbook, we found it in there and I remember we were all bursting out laughing. This incident happened I think 2-3 more times. So if you watch the first 10 seconds of the Freshest Freshmen video, that scene was the product of 60-ish failed takes, with tons of laughter in between. After filming at Arul's house, we went to film at TJ over the weekend. We wanted to have a scene of Arul making a basketball hoop from the 3-point line. We knew it was going to be hard since Arul wasn't a basketball player, but he got it in on the first take and we were freaking out. The freshman year Homecoming season was definitely one of the fondest memories I had at TJ, and I'm glad James was a part of it.
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Some vicious hand has been squeezing my heart all day. James. Two weeks ago today, I was standing by your side. A very kind voice came from behind, telling me to sit down and take a rest. I said I couldn’t. Because that is the last time I could be so close to you.

Everyday since, I have been learning to cope with new things, again. But I keep going back to the memory lane. I just found this beautiful “We Will Miss You James” book your third grade class made for you when we moved back to Virginia from Connecticut.

I can only make it to four pages in the little book. Wiser and more genuine words couldn’t have been said. They were from nine year olds. But they sound like your little friends were saying it today, right in front of me.

James, I don’t think you ever opened that book again in the last couple years. So I am sending you a few for today. Sorry, I can’t read more of them. I just can’t. But I believe you will like them.

We love you baby.
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2012, South School, New Canaan, CT
2012, South School, New Canaan, CT
2012, South School, New Canaan, CT
First Four Letters Your Third…
2012, South School, New Canaan, CT
First Four Letters Your Third Grade Class Wrote in the “We Will Miss You James” Book When We Moved From Connecticut back to Virginia
Has it really been three weeks? When was the last time I counted time in weeks? Yes. It was just over seventeen years ago. That August evening, from that moment you came to this world on, I did this exact same thing, filled with joy, hope, and aspiration.

James, you came to my arms with loud cries. And you left with a quiet joke on a piece of paper. And left me counting days again.

Before you became our family engineer with lego and all those construction experiments, you showed your artistic talents early on, with your transformer drawings and watercoloring of landscapes, trees, vases, and so many more. We didn't even sign you up for art classes because your interests shifted so quickly. But like your sister, you certainly got that artistic gene from mom. Unlike me, dumb as a sack of rocks, and tasteless like wax. Dumb as I am, I overlooked your sensitive side in your artistic mind. Thinking I was gonna raise you as a tough boy, I would yell at you to stop crying when you fell, yell at you when you made a silly boy mistake, and yell at you to try harder when you had a setback at school. Yes, you stopped crying, simply because you knew I didn't want to see it. I am sorry, James. I am sorry that I made you suppress your true feeling from early on.

James. I don't even remember how many years it had been since I last had a dream. But you came to me last night. You proudly showed me your drawings when I picked you up the first day at a new kindergarten, with the teacher telling me what a great artist you were.

We love you, baby.
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Jordan Lee
2012, Oak Hill Elementary School, Kinross Circle, Herndon, VA, USA
I actually first met James in my 4th grade class. It was a long time ago, so I don't remember many exact details. I do remember that we started to really get along during Recess. I didn't really have that core group to hang out with during Recess. There were the four square kids, but I usually got out. There were the jocks who played soccer and basketball, but I was pretty terrible at sports. I used to play tag with a group of friends, but I remember that group got split up because tag is a tumultuous game, so it let to a lot of tension within the group. I just remember that I had James. I don't know exactly how, but we just clicked. He was my go-to guy at Recess. We somehow came up with some spy-type game that the 2 of us played. We created this imaginary situation in our heads that we were spies and gave ourselves missions to do throughout the recess area. I remember drawing out fake spy gadgets on pieces of paper and me and James would run around the fields by looking at fake maps we drew. Looking back, it was crazy to find someone who shared my imagination like that. I remember feeling at-ease and comfortable with him. A lot of people say this, but I felt like being myself around him. He moved in 5th grade and I hadn't seem him for about another 5 years. I remember seeing and recognizing him in the halls at TJ during Freshman Orientation. I was ecstatic and called out his name. However, it had been so long since he saw me, I don't think he remembered me at the time. I'm not sure if he thought I was a crazy dude or someone extremely extroverted, but one thing I'm sure of: for me, James was a friend to remember even after 5 years.
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James. You’ve always loved cakes. Fruitcakes were your favorite when you were little. And then it became cheesecakes since you started grade school. Out of your love of cheese, you created the recipe of our family’s go-to dish: American cheese, eggs and tomatoes, served with rice.

For your love of cheesecakes, you use it as your handle on a few internet platforms. Was it your way of leaving us some clues? If so, James, you did it. I found your presence on the internet so quickly. BUT so late. I’m so sorry I didn’t try to get into your world earlier.

Tomorrow should have been another day we shared a cheesecake. For your seventeenth birthday. James, remember just over a month ago, I brought a cheesecake home for no apparent reasons or thoughts? Remember our little chat a couple days later when I saw you only ate a couple slices? I said,”hey you know I bought this for you. Mom and Cynthia don’t like cheesecakes. And I’m not a cake person. You’ve got to eat more.” And you said, “Okay”. I did see the cheesecake disappearing soon after. James, what’s on your mind then?

James. Mom and Cynthia can’t bear coming here to talk to you. But they are missing you every single second. James. You sure you don’t want more cheesecakes? Out of all days, August the fourth is our cheesecake day. And will always be. Will you forgive me if I don’t get one for just tomorrow?

We love you baby.
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Our family regrets that we didn't have the pleasure of knowing James personally. We continue to hear from neighbors about your wonderful son, about his kindness, intelligence and charming personality. Our hearts go out to you in your loss. May you find some comfort in the certainty of God's love for dear James and from the support of friends and family. Our prayers are with very much with you.
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Our hearts are heavy and we will miss James' smiling face in the neighborhood, and beyond. May the Huang / Chen family find peace in fond memories of yesteryear, and comfort in knowing James lives on, in a world far more perfect than the one we know.
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Words cannot express the sorrow we feel for you at this time. James was always such a polite young man and our son Jackson enjoyed the rides home on the bus with him when they went to school together. We will always remember his beautiful smile. Sending you peace and love during this difficult time.
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I miss James' personality, his spirit, and tenacity through it all, which can be plainly seen in the Latin class he attended. May his soul rest in the pearly gates of heaven, where he may have a better time than on Earth.
James, I miss your great attitude and your willingness to always reach out and help other people.

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