Nate tried a lot of different sports. One time we signed Nate and Grant up for the same basketball camp. As I recall it was just up the road in Ashland at Randolph Macon. I think Nate was 10 or 12 and Grant is a couple years older than Nate.
So up they went to the camp on day 1. Nate didn’t seem too thrilled that night. He wasn’t enjoying the camp. Turns out, there was a kid being a real jerk to him all day apparently. A kid was bullying him. We discussed it with him and told him to make sure the coaches/counselors/leaders of the camp knew it and they would likely help. Day 2 came and at dinnertime that night, we learned that approach wasn’t too successful. The kid was still able to bully and insult and bother him when the counselors/coaches weren’t watching closely. It was robbing Nate of his fun and made him not even want to go back. He was uncomfortable at the camp.
So, Leslie and I had a parenting moment to handle. What do you do? Pull him out of the camp? Force him to go anyway? I will admit that I don’t know if it was the right thing to do but here is what I coached the boys to do…
First thing I did was coach Nate that almost all bullies are chickens when it comes down to it. They bully because they are insecure, and if you stand up to them, they will move on to easier targets. Second thing I told him was that if he punched the kid or got in a fight with him, he would be in zero trouble with me and mom. If being kind and thoughtful wasn’t working, I wanted him to stand up for himself if he got cornered by this bully, and if he got kicked out of the camp for it, I would take him to get ice cream. I wouldn’t be upset with him at all.
Finally, I turned to Grant and made it crystal clear to Grant – “Nate is your brother, and you have to watch out for him. If Nate gets in a fight – Grant, YOU are in a fight too. You understand? If Nate comes home bleeding, YOU better be bleeding too or you better have decked the kid that did it!” – pretty sure those were my exact words. Those of you who know Grant know that this would have been very out of character for him. He was our “Gentle Giant” because he was huge for his age and he was so kind and caring to all those around him. However, I wanted him to know that if Nate got in a fight, the kind and caring goes out the window for everyone except for his brother!
I remember Grant’s face going from concentration and a little puzzlement over to a grin. I had NEVER encouraged the kids to do anything like this. Leslie and I had always taught the kids to be kind, considerate and thoughtful! I remember a grin coming across Grant’s face as he pondered and understood what I meant – I like to think the thought of sticking up for his brother made him smile, but maybe it was the idea of being able to punch a jerk and not get in trouble? I may have to ask him if he remembers…
Anyway, I remember Leslie wasn’t too thrilled with my approach to this (probably rightfully so), but we were paying money to have our boys at this camp and Nate being harassed by a bully made my blood boil. Right or wrong, that is what I told the boys.
Next day at dinner comes and we are talking to the boys about their day and how things went. Nate is a little happier today I can tell. Neither of them is bleeding (thank God – I think Leslie would have punched me in the nose if they were!). Nate proceeds to tell us how the day went.
At one point, this bully came up behind Nate standing really close and leaned into the back of his head and started whispering stuff to him. “You’re a little whiny p*ssy. You are worthless and I am going to kick the sh*t out of you.” Stuff like that. Nate tells us “I snapped and spun around and smacked the kid right in the face Dad!” I must admit, my initial thought as he told me this was “uh oh, what have I done?”. Nate clarified that he didn’t punch him – it was open handed. My Nate had bitch-slapped the bully! I was stunned! Nate had a smile on his face at this point.
“What happened then?” I asked Nate.
“Nothing. He walked away and didn’t bother me anymore” was Nate’s answer back.
I looked around the table for a second and I think we were all smiling. Nate had stood up to the bully and it worked.
No bully’s in heaven. No need to worry or fret or fear.
I miss you and love you Nate! Every. Single. Day.