Julie, 

A big part of me regrets not saying these things to you because I thought we just had more time. Here we go. 

I’ve always looked up to you. Growing up, I’d hear your name come up as our aunties/uncles would praise how well you’re doing. Fantastic grades, good/respectful kid, mature… I strived to be just as good and wondered who was this cousin of mine. I could tell they missed you and I just wanted to get to know you. 

When we finally met, in our teenage years; I was so excited. I wondered if we had similar personalities, likes, and I could not be more wrong haha. We were completely different. I remember exchanging numbers and calling you once. We talked for what seemed like hours; school, boys, parents, childhood. I’ll forever be grateful for that shared moment. This is the memory on replay when I think of you and it breaks my heart every time. 

I like to believe we’ll meet again in another life and I’ll get a second chance. Until then, I hope you’ve found peace and I love and miss you. 

Sally

Dear Chay,

First of all, I just want to say that I'm a bit upset with you for leaving me so suddenly. Before you passed, I didn't know what the word "probate" meant and I really wish that were still the case. No 30-year-old person should have to deal with lawyers and banks in an effort to close out their sibling's "estate". The process is just awful and it's something that I never expected I'd need to do because, statistically speaking, I should have died before you. 

Nonetheless, I miss you terribly. Not a day has gone by since you passed that I haven't thought about you. I think it's safe to say that I'm completely traumatized by this event and I'm going to need countless hours of therapy in order to become a functioning member of society again.  Anyway, I'll stop focusing on the negative and shed some light on how you've impacted my life in a positive way. 

We were both young when our parents split and mom moved us to Tehachapi. Mom had to work two jobs just to get by and even then we still had to rely on food stamps for a while. Being one of the few Asians in town,  naturally, we felt like outsiders; wearing hand-me-down clothes certainly didn't help either. But even though times were difficult back then, you always managed to succeed. You graduated high school near the top of your class, got accepted into one of the best universities in the country, and, eventually, became a nurse practitioner, which is one of the best professions, according to US News (yeah, I know those rankings are bullshit, but I'm trying to make a point here). Sometimes it felt like you lived to outshine me, which is fine because I'll be the first to admit that you were the better sibling. 

Being the eldest child, you always had to be the trailblazer in the family. You navigated high school, college, and graduate school on your own and I always tried to just follow in your footsteps. When I'd lose confidence in myself, you'd give me hope. You showed me what someone raised by a single mother in a small town was capable of achieving and for that I'll forever be grateful. These next several years are going to be difficult and painful as I try to navigate this world without you, but I'm going to try and live up to the standard that you expected of me. I don't know if there is an afterlife, but if one exists, I hope to see you there someday. I love you so much. 

Love your brother,

Michael