2013, College Park, MD, USA
April 20, 2013. Piano. You managed to win the third place in that competition, after the two talented international champions. I was thrilled. I wasn’t expecting anything after looking at the roster of contestants. You dropped piano lessons soon after. I think you dropped piano soon after as well. Probably never touched it again. Did you ever complain about piano before you gave it up? You didn’t. You just said you would focus on tennis, and you would play violin at school to continue your music education. Sorry, James. I kept telling you not to complain since little. And you didn’t. I am so sorry, James. But you know I love you, baby?
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2019, Cabo da Roca, Colares, Portugal
Cabo De Roca. “Dad, can you take a picture of me there? Just like this one I did for Cynthia”. “Sure”. I took your camera, snapped two. You took the camera back, and examined my work. “Dad, why did you change the zoom? “ You made your adjustments, then handed the camera to me again, “Don’t change the zoom. Point the camera down a little bit, and show a bit more of the water to my right. “ James. I guess I still just did a half decent job. You never bothered me with that camera again. Sorry James. Love you baby.
5
2019, Cabo da Roca, Colares, Portugal
April 19, 2019. We took the train west from Lisbon. To a royal palace that looks like fairy tales in Sintra. To Boca do Inferno to see the daunting sea cliff, cave and arch in Cascais. And to Cabo da Roca, the westernmost point of continental Europe, and of the Eurasian land mass. Together, we climbed up and down. We got as close to the roaring water as we could. We were charmed by the more than three-century old lighthouse. The breathtaking, endless, yellow, red, and pink wildflowers carpeting the whole mountain as far as eyes could see. We were all lost in the fairyland. Except that, Boca Do Inferno means “Hell’s Mouth”. Except that, going west means going to the heaven. And we went to the end of west…………….Our last big trip. Our final outing going crazy. Miss you James. Love you baby.
4
Joe Huang
2021, Your Computer. Your Desk. Your House
April 18, 2021. Was it the mind? Or was it the heart? Or was it some evil demon that took hold at that moment, nine months ago? Am I to face it all with my mind? Or with my heart? My dear James, my baby, I am still nowhere. I am still a wanderer in nowhere.
Mom and sister love you more than anything else. They would never turn away from you. They just can not face all that of you without you. I must run into it all, before my memory fails me completely.
A very kind father of one of your classmates called me yesterday. He said he had a dream of you the night before. He never met you before. But he met us all in the school stadium. You were in a wheelchair. But you were very happy. You were happy about graduating. You were happy among your friends. You were happy about the foods. You were in very good spirit about what is coming your way in the future. Oh my James. Didn’t I dream of you in the wheelchair before, too? I would trade my life, for you to be in a wheelchair. I would give up everything, to be able to take care of you in a wheelchair.
Why do you have to like Avicii? Why do you have to like Chester Bennington?
“Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
Well I do”
I just read that beautiful book you made about Edgar Allan Poe, again. Was it from your seventh, or eighth, grade? I don’t know. You didn’t show me before. Your favorite poems from him was “A Dream Within A Dream”, then “Alone”, and maybe “Dreamland” the third favorite? In the book, there are pages of your analysis, and your reflections, on the poems.
“A Dream Within A Dream
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow —
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?”
In your reflection of “A Dream Within A Dream”, you wrote:
“This poem is a very nice poem. It has a lot of meaning to me and it just stands out. When I analyzed this poem, I found a lot of elements including, Tone, Mood, Rhythm, Stanza, Repetition, Imagery, Rhyme, and Personification. When I try to interpret it, I think this is the meaning of it: Edgar is asking ‘Is everything good that we see a dream?’ Edgar is saying that he agrees that his life has been a dream. This poem is actually about death if you can believe it. For me, the sea is the place of the death, he can’t even save one person.
Edgar’s life was very sad. I think he was talking about his family’s deaths. His mother died. He couldn’t save her. His first wife died. He couldn’t save her. The poem is probably about everyone he loved that he couldn’t save. Just like in the poem that he couldn’t save a single grain of sand. This was a very confusing poem but when I tried to interpret it, I found out what I think he was trying to say. Edgar’s poems had a lot of different meanings. I chose the one that I found.”
“Alone”
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—
Then—in my childhood—in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still—
From the torrent, or the fountain—
From the red cliff of the mountain—
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold—
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by—
From the thunder, and the storm—
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view
And in your reflection of “Alone”, you said:
“The poem Alone is very sad poem. To me it seems like it just described his life. The beginning at the stanza talking about the spring. I think Edgar was talking about that he couldn’t be like everyone else. He as different. The spring talked about the qualities of the people and the happiness. But Edgar had tons of sadness and loneliness.
The poem talks about all the people he loved but Edgar chose to be alone. Then the rest of the poem talks about his ‘stormy’ life and all the things about it. For example, when he talks about the part, ‘And the cloud that took the form (When the rest of Heaven was blue) Of a demon in my view’, he was talking about everyone else. It was all bright but his part, the stormy cloud was his. This poem is more about his sadness, isolation, and loneliness, rather than death……”
James. My dear James. How every night when I was not traveling for work, I would call out to you every hour or so, “Xiaoyang, take a break. Rest your eyes. “I would hear that sweet “Okay”. Then we would have a little chat, or share some fruits, or hear you go to the shower. But I was blind. Blind to life seeping away, right in front of me. Blind to see the ocean for anything other than an ocean. Blind to the tint in the blue sky.
In June 2018, right after the end of the school year, we went to Virginia Beach for the weekend. You took a picture of your trail of footprints on the golden sands, into the waves, into the ocean, into the sunset. I thought it was very beautiful when you showed me that picture right then and there. That trip was a blast, wasn’t it? We were all so happy. We even got bicycles to ride around town, the trails, the lakes, and the parks. We parked our bikes at a downtown seafood restaurant for dinner. While we were all perusing the menu for seafood, you made a face, looking at us with that so familiar cryptic and sweet smile, and said, “Can I order a steak?”
Nine months ago, we were set for a camping trip on Virginia Beach in two days. And you were going to drive us there. Just two more days.
You went for a dream. You didn’t take a single grain of sand with you.
James. My dear James. How I miss you. How I love you, my baby.
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2019, Warsaw Old Town, Warsaw, Poland
Old Town Warsaw. The first photo you took when we got there. Where did you see the road lead, James? Warsaw, we weren’t even supposed to be there. We were flying south from Prague to Lisbon that day. But, with a crazy dad, we did another of our crazy flight routing tricks. Maybe it had become a routine for us. We flew north first, to Warsaw, and made it a six-hour connection before the flight to Lisbon. That way we earned ourselves a free trip to Warsaw. The uber driver gave us a good history lesson. Old Town Warsaw, the place that stood for six centuries, was 98% destroyed during World War Two. But it was meticulously rebuilt, to its original form. Total destruction. But then looked like it didn’t happen at all. They could do that? Could I? The uber driver also told us that he owned a trading business. There was a world-wide shortage of sand for constructions. He was exporting sand to Saudi Arabia. I asked him if he was joking with me. And then, you, James, cramped with mom and sister in the back row seats, right behind me, jumped into the conversation and explained to me: “the sand in the desert is too smooth. For building constructions, you have to use the rough sand.” James, I learned another new thing from you right there and then. And it was a learning I proudly used to show my smart to other people more than a few times later. The biggest pride in those showoffs, was that I told people at the end I learned it from my son. When we were there, we saw a WWII movie filming in progress. They want to help people to see the past. James, all I care about is the past. James, all I care about is the movies. We made them together. There won’t be new ones. There won’t be crazy flight routing stunts like that anymore. Warsaw was the last one. Warsaw is the last one. James. James. Miss you James. Love you baby.
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2019, The narrowest street of Prague, U Lužického semináře, Malá Strana, Czechia
April 15, 2019. One of the narrowest streets in the world. With its own traffic lights at both ends. But not a problem at all for my skinny boy. Right, James? You were so proud to tell us you broke 120 pounds in early 2020. Prague. Another favorite city for us all. We almost had to skip the city so that we could stay in Berlin to wait for our luggage. The afternoon the day before, we called the airlines to change our flights. Twenty minutes later, we heard the knock at the door of our hotel room. Magic, there was our luggage. And then, I asked you and sister to listen to my second call to the airlines in less than an hour, to hear how I apologize to them and change the flights back. After that, we went out to see Berlin again. The sky had cleared up. The weather had warmed up too. The city just looked so much more welcoming. We could begin to smell the spirit in the air. And we could both wear our new jackets that we just bought in the morning. Like brothers. And yes, the next day, we hopped on an early morning train. To Paris of the Eastern Europe. Sorry, James, you wanted to go back to Paris. Why didn’t you wait for it? James. Miss you so much, James. Love you baby.
6
2019, Checkpoint Charlie, Friedrichstraße, Berlin, Germany
April 14, 2019. Checkpoint Charlie. The main gate through the Berlin Wall during the cold war. The door from one world to another. That night, we had some random chats. I asked you, of all the places we had been to, which one you don’t care about going back again. You said Berlin. I said Berlin too. Our luggage was still not delivered. On a Sunday in Germany, it means nobody would answer the phone to tell us when either. It was still cold out there. Shops were mostly closed for the weekend by law. We walked to the central train station for the limited number of shops that were allowed to open to buy some clothes. For sure, mom and sister couldn’t find anything they like. So, the genius in us came up with an idea. We bought two men’s jackets, medium for you, and small for me. Or should I say, medium for mom, and small for sister. James, I never realized it. It was the only time we bought matching clothes, for the two of us. Just like brothers. In two worlds. James, oh my James. Miss you James. Love you baby.
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2019, Charlottenburg Palace, Schloßstraße, Berlin, Germany
April 13, 2019. The budding Crown Imperial. In front of the Charlottenburg Palace. We just landed in Berlin. The airlines lost our luggage. The early spring of Berlin was chilly, with sporadic drizzle. We were cold, but excited. You found the lone beauty. You took three pictures of it. Different angles. What did you see in it, James? Miss you James. Love you baby.
5
2015, Philadelphia, PA, USA
April 11, 2015. For no apparent reasons, we spent a weekend in Philadelphia. We went for the most notorious Philly cheesesteak shop, and its famous cheese fries. You still remembered that taste years later. It’s also the day you no longer were satisfied with the Canon Rebel XTI camera you had been carrying around your neck. So I surprised you with a new camera for your coming birthday. And I believe it’s the last time I used that camera myself, which was to take a picture of you, James. April 11, 2004, another special day. I shaved your head bald for the first, and the only time in your life. My eight-month old sweet heart was going to cry seeing the buzzer coming close to your face. Then you stopped. Because you were fascinated by the buzzing sound. Just like Milo has been. He’s always been the curious and brave kitten, fascinated by all kinds of electronic and mechanical movements and sounds. An engineer just like you. April 11, 2020, we welcomed home our fostered dog, Gary. Three weeks of joy with him. Fleeting. Yet so permanent. No way to erase it, is there? Miss you James. Love you baby.
6
2017, Your Home. Your House
April 8, 2017. Saturday. After lunch. You and your sister made a smoothie. Life is beautiful. The world is perfect. For a thirteen-year-old. Miss you James. Love you baby.
5
2010, Bronx Zoo, Southern Boulevard, The Bronx, NY, USA
April 4 2021. The maple tree outside the window is waking up to the spring. The cherry tree farther away is budding and sprouting. This is going to be a warm day, after the sudden chill in the last two. This is a very important day in the Chinese tradition. You would never have known it. Because we never had a reason to do it, here. But it is literally called the Clear and Bright Day. Just like today is going to be. It is alternatively called the Tomb Sweeping Day, which is what it really is, traditionally. But it is meant for showing respects to ancestors. And that is the nature’s way. Like autumn came and went. Like winter came and went. Like spring comes and will go away. But not like sizzling summer turning into freezing hell. Not like tsunami waves chasing you however far you run. James. My dear James. This Clear and Bright Day should be lived like that, eleven years ago, at the picnic table of Bronx Zoo, New York. I was taking close-up pictures of your little sister. And you, my baby, just sneaked into the view with that ice-melting smile. The pupils so pure and so bright I can see my reflections in them. That was nature. James. I love you James. I love you baby.
9
James. Just saw another of your little handwritten speech in your notebook from 2015. It’s not dated. But I figured it to be about April or May. Just like now, outside the window. My sweet eleven-year old boy, who began to ask me to climb on your back so you can try to carry me. All kindness. Always cheerful.
Here it is:
“The Dedication To Life”
“Laura Clark is an American woman who decided to adopt hundreds of China’s abandoned children and raise them. Now with the care she gave them, they could be living a happier life, and get a chance at life.
Why did she went to adopt them? Well, while she came to China a person gave her a box. Inside there was a baby. Then she decided to help children.
Now what if you had a chance to help people? What if you could make a difference? It doesn’t have to be hundreds. How about just a couple? I think about what Laura Clark gave to those children. How much it could mean, even for just one person.
How about when you see someone in need, give them some help? Even if your friend just needs some help studying, just help them. If the chance came to you, would you help the baby in the box that someone left in your arms? Or would you not care and give it to someone else? The world is a good place. Now help it!
We don’t have to all be only self-conscious. We could help other people. What if you could be like Laura Clark? You could make a change in this world. Everyone has the chance to help. Let’s make this world a better place!
Let’s go find your box! “
6
2015, Your Home. Your House
April 1, 2015. I wrote this on your eyeglasses while you were still sleeping. Yes, I am a fool. I am an idiot. I love you baby.
4
2021, Your Home
Not every date on the calendar we have photos in all the years. But on a few dates we did. Your sister made another cake. Another beautiful cake. When we took some new pictures, cutting the cake, with Felix and Milo as well, I forgot I left the TV on. And it had turned to automatic screensavers, flipping through some random memories of the same date, of the years past. Of the years lost. Of the pieces carved out of my heart. Fortunately, mom and sister were facing the other way. Fortunately? When I made dinner last night, the last one was the traditional birthday noodle, or longevity noodle. I took out three plates. But no, it won’t fit. I took out the fourth plate. And yes, it was just right for four plates. Is it why we always have things in sets of four? I ate yours, my James. And when the house was all quiet, I shared your cake with you too. I love you baby.
5
2017, Shenandoah National Park, Virginia, USA
March 25, 2017. Spring is here. A warm spring. It was also a warm spring this day in 2017. And we traversed into the Shenandoah National Park. Why not. With you, the four of us had so much energy to burn. That day, you were my arm-in-arm little brother. Ten years before that, on March 25, 2007, you were grabbing on my foot to climb onto that big rock in Great Falls Park, all smiles and happiness for your big achievement. My heart melt just looking at that three-year-old sweat boy, my James. A year after that day, on March 25, 2018, we have two videos of you challenging me in arm wrestling, with your sister as the unbiased umpire. The handsome boy had become my big brother, a head taller than me. The house was all laughter, and your complaints about me cheating, and my feeble defense. What else did I want? I didn’t know. But you knew. The day before, on March 24, 2017, you received your admission into TJ, the high school everybody talked about. But not you. Yes, you took the two rounds of qualification tests. But you didn’t prepare much for them. You didn’t really care much for the school yourself. I said it was your own decision to make. It took you almost two weeks to make it. And you accepted the admission offer on the last day. When you told me about that decision, you said, “I know you really want me to go.” Oh James, my dear James. I am sorry. You knew me. You did it for me. I am so sorry, James.
6
Joe Huang
2021, Your Computer. Your Desk. Your Home
March 18, 2021. Eight. I counted to eight. Eight cruel months. My dear James. Two hundred four-three days. My baby.
It was a scorching hot summer day eight months ago. The happiness and excitement in our home were even higher than the temperature, with Felix and Milo just joining us eleven days before. Your sister and I had so much fun that morning. The whole house was filled with laughter. Until your sister could not wait any more to share the fun with you. So she used the trick she just learned that morning to unlock your door to surprise you.
That summer day turned into frozen hell. The summer turned into fall. The fall into winter. Now spring is here again, outside. I know summer will come again, too. Outside.
A few days ago, I saw a tweet, asking people to write the happiest story with four words. A response I saw was “I became a father”. Oh my baby. Just eight months ago, I would have written down the exact same words. Mom loves you as much as I do, most likely even more. Eighteen years ago, I started my plan to get mom to agree to having you. Mom wanted to wait until she finished school. But I couldn’t wait to become a father. To be your father, my baby.
But that thought turned into the first four words I said in my call to 911. I don’t remember much of anything else I said. But those four dreading words stuck, burning inside me, over and over again, day and night. It is the inferno from hell. Hotter than that summer sun.
A few mornings ago, mom asked me, “Did you have a bad dream last night? It was just half past eleven. You were yelling, kicking, swinging, grabbing, and thrashing. I almost wanted to wake you.” I told her I didn’t remember. I really didn’t, at first. And then, that dream came back to me. I was on my bed. In your old house. I saw what you were going to do. I jumped off the bed. I rammed through my doors. I crashed through the hallway and the railing by the stairs. I broke down your door, and saw you right by your windows. I scrambled over your bed and got to you. I knocked that damn thing away. You fell into my arms. We hugged and cried, and cried, on the floor, together.
James, if that is a bad dream, I don’t want anything else. I want to live in it.
Three days ago, I pulled up one of your notebooks, on a page dated March 6, 2015, when you were eleven-year old, you wrote a speech, titled “Why I should be the boss”, for your public speaking club. You quoted a Japanese proverb “Fall seven times and stand up eight”. You also quoted John Lennon “My mother told me when I was 5, happiness was the key to life. So when the people at school asked me what I want to be when I grow up, I said ‘Happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the question and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
James. I am so sorry. I didn’t understand life. I didn’t understand you. But I thought I did. Why didn’t I just listen to your little speech? I had so much time.
James, I don’t really remember since when. I liked it so much when you came to me, and started a conversation with “Ba Ba, do you know……”. My heart was immediately filled with joy and expectation beyond description. My son was growing up. It was going to be an interesting conversation with my big boy. I was going to learn something from him.
Seven years ago today, you were ten. You were in your tryout for the basketball team. I saw the beautiful boy dribbling and shooting, in that blue shirt, with the big husky face in the chest. And in the pair of white Adidas basketball shoes you won in the summer camp shootout tournament two years ago.
No more tryouts, James. You are free to pursue your happiness now. Why didn’t I just let you earlier? What an idiot.
My James. My dear James. Do you know how I miss you. Do you know how I love you, baby.
7
2020, Your Home
March 14. Is it supposed to be a happier day? There was the chubby 7-month-old bouncing in your little horse, your hands waving, all giggles and laughters. There was the 11-year-old moving ever so gingerly with our new birds, Blue and Sparky, standing on your hand and shoulder, with nothing but smiles and happiness on your face. There was your screenshot of the 13-year-old winning MVP in your favorite video game. And, there was the 16-year-old calmly adjusting the mirrors and seat of the car, taking us out for a walk. My sixth to last ride in your car, James. The beginning of the school closing. The beginning of the pandemic. The beginning of the end of all that matters to me. I miss you. I love you baby.
5
2017, Your House
March 3, 2017. Life of the thirteen-year old could be so full of happiness even when you had to put up with the awkward outfits from me, for your school chamber orchestra performance. I am sorry baby. I love you every minute baby.
6
2004, Hilton McLean Tysons Corner, Jones Branch Drive, McLean, VA, USA
February 28, 2004. Hilton Tysons Corner. You were born in Richmond, by James River. But Northern Virginia was where I got exhilarated learning I would be a dad, to you, my James. That day, was the first time you visited Northern Virginia before we moved back here. You were looking ahead. There should have been so much, much more, ahead. I am sorry baby. I love you baby.
5
2010, New Canaan, CT, USA
February 27, 2010. You were six. It was still freezing in Connecticut. We must have just had another fun day in the snow outside because you were still in your snow pants. For some years, you always refused to show “proper” smiles in front of the camera. So that day, I asked you to smile for me. And that was what I got. At least, that high dimple is showing, right? I saw the blooming daffodil in some of the photos of that precious moment. So it must be around the Lantern Festival too. It was yesterday. Another holiday for family reunion, for happiness, for rice ball soup. Mom told me she visited you yesterday. Actually, twice yesterday. She saw that your flowers were almost all blown away. So she went to get some more fresh flowers for you. I am sorry, James. Mom also went to get you rice balls for the holiday, and tofu pudding, one of your favorites. When we lived in Connecticut, we would never leave New York without a few bowls of tofu pudding each time we went there. Soon after we moved back to Virginia, didn’t we talked quite a few times why it is so difficult to get tofu pudding here? Love you baby.
6
2021, Barnes & Noble, Tysons Corner Center, McLean, VA, USA
So many times, I dropped you off at Tysons Corner Mall, for your movie nights with your friends. I hadn’t bothered going inside for so many years. Yesterday, we went inside the mall. Mom and sister went shopping. I wandered off. And then, the front entrance of that beautiful Barnes & Noble struck me in the face. And soon, I found myself at that children’s corner. Looking in. Again. For the first time. In more than fourteen years. We once lived so close to this place. We came to this mall almost every day. For the playground. And for this corner of this store. There used to be a gigantic electronic train set by that window. The track ran across the plain, through the tunnel, up the mountain, over the bridge. You were fascinated by it. You could even operate it yourself. Then, you were two. Now, it is all gone. It is all gone now, baby. Love you baby.
6
“Da…Da…Da…Da…”
These four sounds have been playing in my head, over and over and over again, for seven months. Every day. Every night. In the middle of a conversation. In the middle of reading. In the middle of a run. In front of the glass of wine. In the dreams.
Maybe it doesn’t matter if it is playing in the dreams or not if I have to tell myself ten times a day it is not a nightmare that I can blink away?
James, I knew I heard the four sounds half asleep and half awake. The last four of the five I heard from you. Right before the astronomical twilight. Was it the doors? Or was it the case? After ten thousand times of replay, I had been so sure it was the doors, for six months. So it must have been a plan.
A week ago, after countless times of more replays, it dawned on me that it could not have been the doors. Because you would certainly have known to manage the noise of the doors. So it must have been the case, James? So it was an impulse, my baby? Or was it an impulse that you were able to plan out and execute to perfection so quickly?
Baby, you are ten times smarter than me. Your idiot of a dad just cannot keep up with you.
James, I was half awake. I heard the four sounds. Had I just opened my damn eyes, I would have seen you right there. I would have been able to stop you right there. I would have grabbed you into my arms and never let go again. And I would never even close my eyes again, my baby.
People say life is the results of all the choices we make. I chose to look at the clock when I heard the running water of showers at 3:44 AM. But I chose to keep my damn eyes shut when I heard the “Da…Da…Da…Da…” and thought it was just the doors opening and closing. I am sorry baby. I am so sorry I did not bother to open my eyes for one second when I was supposed to be relied upon.
When I could have changed everything, I chose to sleep, even when I was awake. When I cannot change a thing, I am awake all the time. Such was the idiot of your dad back then. Such is the idiot of me.
It has been seven months. I know you must have been tired. Would you take a rest? I love you baby.
7
2019, Virginia DMV Fair Oaks Mall Customer Service Center, Fair Oaks Mall, Fairfax, VA, USA
February 16, 2019. Driver’s license test. The first chance you got to take the test when you turned 15.5-year old, you did it. Big milestone, James. My boy was growing up. In the July 4th party, I delegated the grill responsibility to you and your friends for a bit. Somehow I overheard you telling them in your understated pride, “Yeah, I am driving”. Wasn’t that the peak of my life as a dad. Love you baby.
7
February 10. There was not a single photo of you in all the years. I am sorry James. February 10, 2018, however, there were 409 photos, all by you, of the lunar year event at your school, as a photographer.
Mom was weeping at four o’clock this morning. In the afternoon, she said she was going to Panera Bread. Because you told her in the dream that you wanted the bread from there. My baby, you always have good tastes, don’t you? Do you like the chocolates too?
Snow started falling again when we were there. The whole place is too quiet, isn’t it? Good that the windchime was still singing the soothing tune in the wintry mix.
It is going to be Lunar New Year again. Mom always liked to say to you, “You are growing up another year after this day.”
Love you baby.
7
Nights before, time for cake. Your sister went into the kitchen, opened the cupboards, and said, “where are the birthday plates?” The tsunami wave walloped me in an instant. I couldn’t look up at your sister. But I saw mom’s eyes on me for a fleeting second.
Intentional or not. We had created this little sacred tradition of ours, together. The birthday plates. Set of four. Four times a year. And only four times a year.
The last time we were finished with the plates, in June, you volunteered to wash them. While you were at the sink washing, mom and I were joking with you and your sister, “When the two of you move out of this house, you should each bring one of the plates. You can’t have your birthday cakes without them”.
Your sister found the plates. She took out three. Three. Milo and Felix shared the cake with us too. Your sister made it. It was beautiful. It was delicious. I ate more than double my usual portion, James.
Later. Mom and your sister gone upstairs, it was me and Milo and Felix. I took out your plate. Your cake. And your seat at the table. My dear baby. We have all moved out of that house. This is a new house. This is always your home.
7
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