James. A year ago, on the night of July 4th, 2020, I was talking to you and a few of your childhood friends at the party. I brought up how somebody with a million followers on Twitter could say “fuck July 4th”.
You said, “I don’t think they really mean it. It’s just that they know they have to go to the extreme to get people’s attention.”
I nodded, “that makes sense”. I was surprised at your insights into human nature and psychology. I was so proud that I was learning new perspectives to life from you, my big boy.
I’m just so blind, so stupid, and so lazy. I’m so sorry James.
3
Joe Huang
2021, Your Home. Your Desk. Your Computer.
It was a restless night. James, you came in my dream again.
You ran off with some bad people. I jumped in the car to look for you. I drove. And drove. Didn’t know how far. Didn’t know if it was just one day, or many days, already. And then it was an evening. I started into the mountains. Saw a convenience store. I drove past it, into a gas station. Three giant red pump islands, big enough for trucks. But it was all empty, and eerily quiet. I fueled the car, turned the car around, and drove on, deeper into the mountains, into the darkness.
I didn’t know where, or how much farther. But I just knew I would find you. And I did, after a while, eventually. I drove into an apartment complex, with three buildings, in a horseshoe shape. I went into an apartment in the right building. Saw several of the bad people, but not you. They began to attack me and chase me out. I came back outside, tumbled, and fell off a big snow pile. And then, I saw you, sliding down the same snow pile, coming for me, pulling me up. And you called “Baba”.
We hugged each other so tight. I looked you up, and then down. And I saw your feet. Still in your white ankle socks. But the sneaker on your left foot was so worn out the front cracked open. And your right foot wasn’t even wearing a shoe. It was just something you made out of some cloth. No sturdier than the paper shoe you made for me when you were eleven-year old.
My eyes welled up at the sight of your feet. I asked you, “James, they wouldn’t even get you a pair of proper shoes? Let’s go buy you new shoes. And go home.” You nodded and looked at me. I knew you had a lot to tell me, even though you didn’t say anything.
I said to you “let me find out where we are first”. Then I let go of you for a few seconds. I walked down the slope of the horseshoe opening. It was only a few steps. Then, I was at the exact same gas station that I had been to. Empty as it was before. Eerily quiet as it was before. I looked back up the slope. It was also all empty and quiet. All the apartment buildings were deserted. All dark. There was only the reflection of cold moon light by the snow.
I jerked around to look for you. I thought I saw you in the shadow. I tried to run back up for you. But my legs were stuck. I couldn’t move. And I woke up.
I miss you James. I love you baby.
3
2019, United States Botanic Garden, Maryland Avenue Southwest, Washington, DC, USA
June 22, 2019. National Botanic Garden. It was only the second, and last time, we went to this park. Such an amazingly understated beautiful place. We said we should go back again. James. We even saw a little bonsai tree that lives to four hundred years. And James, you were the healthiest of us all. You said to me, “It seems I’ve never been sick since beginning high school” when the pandemic just started. It was always like that. Remembered June 22, 2009? We just arrived in Orlando the day before. We had to rush you to an urgent care in the middle of the night because you fell quite sick. But even that still couldn’t stop you from going to the Disneyworld with us the next day. Even that still couldn’t stop you from working on the new Lego set at the hotel room that evening. There is no stopping my tough boy, right? I miss you, James. I love you baby.
2
Joe Huang
2021, Your Home. Your Desk. Your Computer
Some days ago, a famous person made a tweet quoting Linkin Park, “But in the end, it doesn’t even matter……”
Looking at that tweeter feed, it was like a thunder strike out of nowhere. Even though the sky was clear, the sun was out, and the world was going just like normal, out there.
We used to talk about that person quite a bit. A real genius. Fascinating imagination. Outlandish personality. We even joked around using his “Not-a-flamethrower” gimmick when we pranked each other. I asked you if you knew he is very tough to work for. You said, “I heard people said he is a jerk as a boss”. Maybe, there is just too many imperfections for you in this world.
We watched some of the Terminator series a bit. Not all. Some of the movies. But we discussed the genre, and the plots, a lot. We talked about singularity. We talked about Skynet. We talked about how I couldn’t get my head around the logic of time travel, and how the future leader of humans can send his young soldier back in time to save his mother and be his father. And you told me about your interpretation of circles, parallels, and branching of life, and the universe.
A few days ago, I pulled myself together to watch the new movie, Infinite. You would probably be interested in that movie. Circles, and circles, of life. Deaths. Rebirths. Only that the infinites can take their memories with them. Loves. Hates. Skills. Knowledges. I wouldn’t agree that is the true meaning of rebirth. But, I know you would think it is. I know you would like it that way. Don’t you, James? It was your design too, isn’t it, baby?
The Three-body Problem. My favorite science fiction series. But the superficial me just read it as it is, a science fiction: the imagination, the physics, the plot twists. The idiotic me bought you a set for you to read. The damn fool in me just couldn’t stop talking about it to you. How many times did you read it? I don’t know. Only that I know you put it down as your favorite too. But I know now, that you read it as philosophy, as life, as universe, and as destiny. The bookmark. I know you left it for me. My smart boy knows I would be the one to find it. But when? A month before? A week? Or the spur of the moment? From the look of all the signs, and the bookmark itself, I believe, more and more, it is the spur of the moment. Would I ever know for sure? James, would you ever let me know?
But as implied at the very end of the Three-body Problem, and as sung by Linkin Park, “But in the end, it doesn’t even matter……”
But, James, you started listening to the song on November 22, 2019, and stopped on March 24, 2020. It is still in your playlist. I am still listening to it. James. It matters more than anything, and everything, to me.
How I wish you would still have the trust in me. How I wish foolishly every day I have told you just that before that spur of the moment, on that fateful day, eleven months ago?
We watched Interstellar together. Sister under her fluffy blanket at the left end of the white sectional sofa. Me in the middle of the same sofa. You stretching out on the white patterned rug on the floor, leaning back on the sofa between us. I still don’t understand how the main character could send signals to his daughter years back in time, from inside a black hole. You told me that is how gravitational waves work. They are the only thing that can escape black holes. Maybe it is. Although I still don’t understand that space and time physics. All I understand is love is the one thing that transcends them all. No time can stop it. No space can sever it. James, you searched up Father’s Day the morning of June 22, 2020, right after we had our Father’s Day take-out dinner, a few hours before, at home. The four of us, together. Was that love, James? Was it my foolish and wishful thinking that you would be sending me love, and telling me everything, someday, baby?
Aunt, you only aunt, is fighting for her life. She doesn’t have her own children. And you were like her own son to her. She still doesn’t know what happened to you since that fateful day. We can probably never tell her when she comes out of coma. James. I know you would look after her. And Popo, grandma, is on the verge too. I know you would look after her, too.
Eleven months. Time is brutal. Life is cruel. Fate has been rearing its ugly head on us. James. Mom can really use a break. But the suffering just piles on for her. James, my big boy, you have always been the big help mom counted on. Will you help us hold it together one more time?
I miss you James. I love you baby.
3
Joe Huang
2021, Your Home. Your Desk. Your Computer
Good morning, James.
At 2 o’clock in the morning, I was suddenly awakened by this song in my head. You wouldn’t have ever heard of it. I’ve been listening to some of your playlists all the time. But it was this song, from Hong Kong, from almost thirty years ago, when I was barely older than you, that just slipped into my dream.
“Forgetting Love Potion
By Andy Lau
Once when I was young
Loved chasing my dreams
And only thought to fly far away
Having travelled over thousands of mountains and rivers
I can no longer go back
Suddenly looking back
My love is so far away
I am at the edge of the horizon and helpless
Only then I understood that in all of love, hate, romance and hatred
That hurts and pains most is regret
If you have never been heartbroken
you would never understand my sorrow
When there are tears in my eyes
Don’t ask who they are for
Just let me forget all these
Oh give me a cup of forgetting love potion
So I can have a night without tears
All my love and feelings
Let the rain pour on them
Let the wind beat on them
The love I gave can’t be taken back
Give me a cup of forgetting love potion
So I can have a life without sorrow
Even if I will get drunk
Even if I will be heartbroken
You won’t see me cry”
Please forgive my bad translation. I hope I paraphrased it just ok.
I miss you, James. I love you baby.
3
In lieu of flowers
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$190.00
Raised by 3 people
Reston, VA, USA
June 6, 2006. That day, I said to you, “Xiaoyang, from this moment on, you are the big brother.” In the years to come, for many, many times, I saw how sister looked at you when you did all sorts of big brother things, building a big lego set, telling a joke, helping her solve a math problem, climbing up the giant rocks on a hike, dangling from a tree, skiing down the black mogul in style, setting up the internet router, beating me on the tennis court. Sister admires you. Mom and I admire you. That day, the two of you, the son and the daughter, completed the Chinese character of “good”. It had been so good we have pictures of this day every single year after. And this day in 2004 and 2005, both years since you were born. Maybe it is really fate. Maybe it is all preordained. Maybe I don’t deserve any good. I know you would bless sister. I know you would look after mom. You are our big brother, always. I miss you, James. I love you baby.
3
2017, Falls Church, VA, USA
June 5, 2021. Graduation day. Should’ve been the moment everything comes to fruition. The day you leaping on stage, robe lifting up, cap flying high. All that smiles, and the high dimple on your face, just to the right of your nose. In my imagination, it would surely include you picking me, mom, and sister up so high. Instead, it’s the memory of this picture. June 5, 2017. We were on our way to that buffet for dinner, just after a good tennis practice. Just the two of us. Father and son. Took a snap of the building driving by. I told you for the first time then. It was where you were conceived. It was where we found out you were joining us. The apartment five stories up, at the tip of the water fountain. The water fountain goes on cycles that are way too short. I miss you, James. I love you baby.
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2013, Herndon Middle School, Locust Street, Herndon, VA, USA
June 1, 2013. 9:01 AM, Saturday. Your game was yet to start, James. June 1, 2021. Your beautiful game was still yet to start………………I love you baby.
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2014, Your Home. Your House. A House ago.
May 31, 2014. Saturday. Another easy and lazy dinner in the backyard. In the warm and relaxing spring day. Happiness in the air all around. Living the best of lives, with the dearest of my life. And James, you were there with your chopsticks on Italian meat sauce spaghetti, with lots, and lots of mozzarella and American cheese. You were almost exclusively a fork-person when we ate out, even in Asian restaurants. But at home, you were always with the chopsticks, on everything, no matter the kind of food. I even asked you once or twice why you were so stubborn with chopsticks at home. Mom and sister always are the fork buddies. You were always my reliable chopsticks pal, even when I betrayed them on occasions. Now, too many of the chopsticks are just lying there. World is passing them by. Time is passing them by. May is moving on to June. With all my feeble will, I’m hanging with you, for the rest of my life, my chopsticks buddy. James, I miss you. I love you baby.
5
2
2004, National Mall, Washington, DC, USA
Tens of thousands of photos of you through the years. Hundreds just on this date, May 29. Throughout all these years, these series of pictures have always been in my mind. They have always been in the front of my memories. May 29, 2004. So many Saturdays ago. They somehow just have felt some of the freshest moments all my life, from my subconscious. Never knew why. Never tried to. And here they came. Right this day. First thing this morning. And I was dumbstruck. I was totally lost. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to say to you, James. Half a day gone. Almost to the exact time when those photos were taken. James, what was it? Was it because I felt like you were really part of me? You were my flesh. You were my soul. You were me. I miss you, James. I love you baby.
5
2010, Stamford, CT, USA
May 28, 2009. Our last day in that “old big house”, as we liked to call it. Pictures of you dancing in the empty family room. Pictures of me holding you and sister up to my chest, one in each arm, you holding your paper boat and rocket you just made, sister holding a plastic cup in one hand and a toy phone to her ear, mom with the smile from the bottom of heart. Some feeling of leaving a house that witnessed some of the baby years of you two. But no sadness. We were all looking ahead. There was much ahead in Connecticut. May 28, 2010. A Friday. First visit to the beach of the year, in Connecticut. A sand bucket and shovel were all it needed to have the happiest boy around. Your calling out to me “Baba, look. What I just made” was all it needed to make it a most beautiful day. May 28, 2021. Another Friday. I am talking to you, James. Right here. Right now. James, I miss you. I love you baby.
3
2015, Your Home. Your House.
May 26, 2015. That evening. You were busy in your room. Then, you came downstairs. “Dad, I want to show your something. Ta dah….” Your hands appeared from behind your back, with this paper rifle that you just made. Beautiful details. Fully functional. Hits targets a room away. Even with magazines to automatically load the bullets. I was amazed. I was fascinated. I praised your craftmanship. James. I am sorry. James, for all the love, I am sorry that I failed you. I miss you. I love you baby.
5
2010, Waveny Park, South Avenue, New Canaan, CT, USA
May 22, 2010. Buddy. For how many times you showed me that awkward look of pants or shorts too loose for you? My skinny boy. Why did the song “See You Again” just came to me? We watched the movie together. And then for days, we would hum the song together. “ It's been a long day without you, my friend And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again We've come a long way from where we began Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again When I see you again”
4
2006, Potomac River, United States
May 20, 2006. I took you to fly on the Potomac River. For years on, I took you to fly in the sky. Because you love going out. As you said as a five-year old, you didn’t want to take naps at pre-school because you wanted to play outside. For years on, we were almost on a mission to see everywhere. We flew. We drove. We walked. Together. Dragging mom and sister along. They were mad at us for our go-go-go madness. But they were happy. With us. For years on. Until the evil took hold. You take flight yourself now. To your dream. James. Miss you James. Love you baby.
5
Joe Huang
2021, Your Home. Your Desk. Your Computer.
May 18, 2021. Your Home. Your Desk. Your Computer.
The first time we counted to ten together, when you were two, or two-and-a-half-year old? Why can’t I remember the exact day anymore? I just remember the moment. A long bear hug. A big kiss. And then you were sitting on my head. Another happiest day in my life.
I counted to ten again. Ten. Full. Months. I woke up in a cold sweat again. I cried again. Just another day, again. James?
“How was your day?” For the last few years, I travelled for work way too much. For the few occasions when I got to be home to pick you up from the school bus stop, you would step in the car, and would sometimes greet me with “how was your day”, more than just a “hello”. Sometimes you were cheerful; sometimes quiet in your thoughts; sometimes just leaning on the window to catch a nap. The moments I like the most? Starting late 2019 and into early 2020, I would slip into the passenger seat after I parked the car at the pickup stop, and wait for you there. You saw the car after getting off the school bus. You walked to the driver side and got in, proudly took my phone out of the phone holder, tossed it to me, and put your phone in. Yep, my James was in charge. Even though my heart was up in my throat most of the time when you drove through the narrow, hilly, and winding roads back home, oftentimes missing the roadside mailboxes and trash cans by a hair.
So, James, those were really very, very happy and proud days of mine. I did not really need much more to make the days better. I am happy to give up the rest of my days to have one more day like that, with you, my dear Xiaoyang. But, did I say any of that to you? I didn’t. I always made you feel I wanted so much, much more. I am sorry, my baby.
Two Sundays ago. Mom and sister and I went for grocery shopping together. Back to the car, I thought of asking sister something. So I called out, “Xiaoyang…..”, then I caught myself and said again “Xiaoyu”. You are Xiaoyang. Sister is Xiaoyu. I don’t know if sister heard it. She was opening and closing the car door. Maybe she didn’t hear it. Or maybe she was just so kind not to show she did.
Xiaoyang, why did I have so much to talk to you about now? So late?
James, how was your life? I have been trying to ask you, and myself, this question, for ten months. I have been dreading the question. I have been fearing the answer.
When you were just a few months old, when I was just such an exhilarated new father, I once was chatting with a friend, and talked about my feeling of being a new parent, “you used to be happy when you were happy. And then you were happy when your wife was happy. And now you are happy when they are happy.”
James, what is happy to you? What can be happy for me? I even attempted to add all the pluses to the left column, and all the minuses to the right column. Really? How was your life? Isn’t the answer obvious enough? Am I still such an idiot?
Times and times again, I would sit at your desk during the day. Looking out the window. Looking at the trees gently waving in the wind. Looking at the serene blue sky. And then, out of nowhere, I would look up some more. James, are you looking at me, from up there?
Times and times again, I would be staring at your computer screen. I would be walking mindlessly in the house. Letting my minds wander off. Into the abyss. And then, I am shocked back into reality. The reality that I don’t get to touch you again. The reality that your chair at the breakfast table is not pulled out again. My James.
May 18s of all the years. You were everywhere. You were filming your robot for school. You were on the basketball court for the final, in your number purple number 10 jersey. You were in front of the national Monument. You were by one of the grandpas’ birthday cakes in Virginia, and in China. You were smiling big with me, one hand on each other’s shoulder, mom and sister behind the camera, in our backyard picnic.
James, have you met that grandpa up there? I know he must have been looking after you. I know he must have been keeping you company.
Every night, I would read a book on the iPad before sleep. Then I feel sleepy, put it down, and lie down, and close my eyes, and try to sleep. But every so often, the memory of you would flash back to me, like a lightening, and shock me wide awake. I would sit back up, pick up the iPad, and start reading again. The same routine could repeat many times a night. Mom would ask “what was wrong?” And I would say “nothing”. Of course she knew.
James, is it that you are telling me something?
James. I didn’t say your name enough when I had all the time in the world. Now I am calling your name ten thousand times a day. There is just no answer.
Xiaoyang, my dear little lamb. I miss you so much. I love you so much baby.
4
2004, University of Virginia, Charlottesville, VA, USA
May 16, 2004. For so many months, this picture has been flashing in my mind. Graduation day, my nine-month-old sweetheart holding mom’s diploma. James, my dear James. I miss you. I love you baby.
5
2020, A Bridge Too Far
May 15, 2020. The last time we went for a hike together. You drove, me in the passenger seat, mom and sister in the back. Our new setup, so sweet. You and sister walked in the front together, sharing your AirPods, because she forgot hers. Me fooling around in the back, trying to steal sister’s phone from her back pocket. Sister said, “I now just ignore dad’s silly stunts”. You just smiled at that. We saw some signs people left out after taking graduation photos. It was a short hike. And we saw a bridge too far. We once returned to that place for a walk. Mom told me we should leave soon after. It was just too far. James, my dear James. Love you baby.
2
2004, Fairfax, VA, USA
May 9, 2004. Sunday. Mother’s Day. Your first ever Mother’s Day. Mom’s first ever Mother’s Day. What did we do in our past lives to deserve you, James? Love you baby.
4
2011, Central Park Zoo, East 64th Street, New York, NY, United States
May 8, 2011. Sunday. Mother’s Day. Central Park, New York. A street magician was all it took for you to be the happiest child there. And your laugh, was all it took for us to have the happiest mom, James. James. You were so ticklish since a baby. I knew how to get your giggles and laughter to brighten up my days since a long, long time ago. Was it because you were so good at finding the brightness in life? James. I miss you. I love you baby.
3
2017, Worldgate Centre, Worldgate Drive, Herndon, VA, USA
May 7, 2017. Sunday night. I pushed back my flight to the west coast to after 10pm that night, so that I could watch your tennis tournament. Happy days were when we got to hit some tennis balls a few times a week. The happiest moments were when you hit me forehand strokes so powerful that the balls just smashed through my racket. And the happiest of all moments, was on the Franklin Farm tennis court, in the spring of 2012. During our practice one evening, you suddenly began to chase down my returns, and we suddenly began to have rallies. Back and forth. Back and forth. So suddenly we were playing tennis. Father and son. At the end, I remembered you asked me, still so vividly, “dad, are you happy?” Maybe not so much for you. Because I kept yelling at you for your swings, your tippy toe postures, and your approaches to the net, through the years. I am sorry James. You and your partner won the match that night. It was a happy night. It was so worth it. Miss you James. Love you baby.
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2018, Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, Braddock Road, Alexandria, VA, USA
May 4, 2018. Prom night at school. I saw hundreds of photos that you took of your classmates and everything. Just not a single of you yourself. At the very end, the picture app shows me two photos of this. Different angles. The very last two pictures that you took of that night. James, that is so you. James, I so miss you. I love you baby.
2
2004, Fairfax, VA, USA
April 30, 2004. My little baby was still learning how to stand, to walk, and to explore. To grow up to the dangers of the world. Baby, why do we need to grow up? Why couldn’t the world just leave us an innocent spot for our silly games? James, remember the song Chasing the Sun in a Spotify playlists of yours: “When daylight's fading. We're gonna play in the dark. Till it's golden again. And now it feels so amazing. Can see you coming?. And we'll never grow old again. You'll find us chasing the sun. I'm never. I'm never down. Lying here, staring up. And you're looking… “
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2006, Great Falls Park, Old Dominion Drive, McLean, VA, USA
April 25. Wasn’t expecting this date to be one with hundreds of pictures, throughout the years. James, life comes at you with all sorts of surprises, doesn’t it? April 25, 2006. The only thing my two-year old knew in this world was happiness. Sister wouldn’t join us for another month and half. James, my sweet boy, you were the center of my universe. A universe filled with happiness and hopes. Fifteen years later, James. You are the center of my universe. Miss you James. Love you baby.
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2020, Lake Audubon, Reston, VA, USA
April 24, 2020. Us and Gary. James, you were all sunshine. You were all love. Miss you James. Love you baby.
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