How to Deal with Grief after Suicide

Losing someone to suicide is often a deeply painful and complex experience that can bring about a unique form of grief. Unlike other losses, the aftermath of suicide often leaves loved ones grappling with intense feelings of guilt, confusion, and unanswered questions. The stigma surrounding suicide, coupled with the overwhelming sense of shock, can make it difficult to process and talk about the loss. This article offers insights into why grief after suicide is different, along with practical tips to help navigate the difficult emotions and challenges that come with this type of bereavement.

What are symptoms and signs of grief?

Grief manifests in a variety of emotional, physical, behavioral, and spiritual ways, and these signs can differ from person to person. Emotionally, those grieving may experience deep sadness or depression, often feeling a sense of emptiness or sorrow. Anger or irritability is also common, sometimes directed toward oneself, others, or even the deceased. Guilt can emerge, with lingering regret over things left unsaid or undone, and anxiety or fear about the future or one’s own mortality may arise. Many also feel emotionally numb or shocked, especially in the early stages, while others struggle with confusion, finding it difficult to focus or make decisions.

Physically, grief can be exhausting. Fatigue is common, even after a full night’s rest, and sleep patterns often change, leading to insomnia or oversleeping. Appetite fluctuations, either losing the desire to eat or turning to food for comfort, can also occur. Grief sometimes manifests as physical discomfort, such as headaches, muscle tension, or stomachaches, and it can even weaken the immune system, making the person more susceptible to illness.

Behaviorally, grief can lead people to withdraw from social activities, feel isolated, and/or avoid interactions altogether. Some may become restless, fidgeting or feeling unable to relax. There may also be noticeable changes in routines, including neglecting personal hygiene, work, or daily responsibilities. Crying, either frequent or uncontrollable, is a common emotional release, and some individuals may seek solitude to cope, while others might over-socialize to distract themselves from their pain.

Spiritually, many people question their faith or feel disconnected from their beliefs as they search for meaning in their loss. Some may experience a deep yearning for reconnection with the deceased, whether through dreams or cherished memories. These signs, whether emotional, physical, behavioral, or spiritual, ebb and flow over time, and the grieving process is unique to each individual. There is no set timeline for when these feelings might subside.

How to deal with grief after a suicide

Dealing with grief and a suicide can be an especially difficult and complex process. In addition to the typical feelings of loss, you might experience intense emotions like guilt, anger, confusion, and deep sadness. Here are some ways to cope with this specific type of grief:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

It’s important to allow yourself to experience the wide range of emotions that come with this type of loss. These may include:

• Shock and disbelief: Feeling stunned and unable to process the loss.
• Guilt: Wondering if you could have done something to prevent the suicide.
• Anger: Feeling anger toward the person who died or at the circumstances.
• Confusion: Struggling to make sense of what happened or asking "why."
• Sadness: Profound grief and sorrow that may feel overwhelming.

Acknowledge that all these feelings are natural and valid.

2. Let go of guilt

Feelings of guilt are common after a suicide loss, with many survivors replaying past conversations or actions, asking themselves what they could have done differently. It’s important to remember:

• You are not responsible for the person’s decision. Mental health issues, pain, and tons of other factors beyond your control contribute to suicide.
• Release the "what if" thinking: Although it's natural to replay events, this type of thinking won’t change the outcome and can prolong your pain.

3. Find support

You don't have to go through this alone. Find a support system to help you navigate the pain:

• Talk to trusted friends or family members: Sometimes just sharing your feelings with someone who will listen can bring comfort.
• Join a support group: Many organizations and communities have groups specifically for people grieving a suicide loss. These groups can provide a safe space to share your experiences with others who understand.
• Seek professional help: A therapist or counselor specializing in grief or trauma can help you process your emotions, especially if you feel stuck in feelings of guilt or despair.

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4. Understand and accept the complexity

The grief after losing someone to suicide often feels more complicated because of the stigma and unanswered questions that surround the death. You may never fully understand why your loved one made this choice, and that's something you might need to come to terms with over time. Acceptance is a gradual process, and it’s okay if it takes time to get there.

5. Take care of yourself

Grief can take a toll on both your mental and physical health, so self-care is essential:

• Prioritize rest: Try to get enough sleep, even if it’s difficult. Grief can disrupt normal sleep patterns.
• Eat and stay hydrated: Your appetite might fluctuate, but nourishing your body is important during this stressful time.
• Move your body: Gentle physical activity, like walking or yoga, can help release pent-up emotions and reduce stress.
• Consider journaling: Grief journaling is a helpful self-care activity that can allow you to manage your thoughts, process the loss, and reduce mental stress.

6. Honor their memory in positive ways

Finding ways to honor and remember your loved one can be healing.

• Create a memorial or tribute: Whether it’s a physical space or an online tribute, this can be a meaningful way to celebrate their life.
• Engage in activities they loved: Doing something they enjoyed can help you feel connected to them.
• Support suicide prevention efforts: Donating to or participating in events that raise awareness about suicide prevention can be a way to turn your grief into action.

Create a memorial website

7. Give yourself time

Grieving a suicide loss is often a longer and more complex process than other types of grief. Be patient with yourself, and don’t set expectations for how long it should take to feel better. Healing will come at its own pace.

8. Accept help when offered

People may offer assistance, but you might not feel up to accepting it. However, letting others help you with daily tasks, providing emotional support, or just sitting with you in silence can help you feel less isolated in your grief.

9. Engage in rituals for closure

Funerals, memorial services, or even private rituals can help you find closure. Since suicide can bring complicated feelings, these rituals can offer a way to say goodbye and start the healing process.

10. Be open to mixed emotions

It's common to feel conflicting emotions, such as love for the person and anger about their decision. Allow yourself to experience these mixed feelings without judgment.

Why is grief after suicide so complex?

Grief after a suicide is often more complex than other forms of grief because of the unique emotional, psychological, and social factors that come into play. Here are some reasons why grieving after suicide can be particularly difficult:

1. Unanswered questions

One of the most challenging aspects of losing someone to suicide is the lack of clear answers. Survivors often grapple with why the person made this decision, wondering what led them to feel so hopeless. These unanswered questions can lead to feelings of confusion and frustration, and you may never fully understand the reasons behind the suicide, which can complicate the grieving process.

2. Feelings of guilt

People who lose someone to suicide frequently experience guilt. This self-blame can create a cycle of regret and make it hard to move forward. Even if you logically understand that you're not responsible, the emotional weight of these questions can linger.

3. Stigma and isolation

Suicide is still a topic surrounded by stigma in many cultures, which can lead to feelings of isolation for those left behind. You might feel hesitant to share how your loved one died, or you may notice that others don’t know how to talk to you about the loss. This can:

• Make it harder to find support from friends and family.
• Lead to a sense of shame or embarrassment, which further isolates you.
• Cause discomfort in social settings, where people may avoid talking about the loss altogether.

4. Mixed emotions (anger, sadness, and relief)

Grief after suicide often brings a conflicting mix of emotions. In addition to sadness and loss, you might feel:

• Anger toward the person who died, for leaving you and others behind or for the pain they caused.
• Relief that their suffering has ended, especially if they had been struggling with mental health issues for a long time.
• Betrayal or abandonment, feeling that they chose to leave, despite their struggles, which can be a difficult reality to accept.

These mixed emotions can be confusing and sometimes lead to feelings of guilt for having such thoughts, further complicating the grieving process.

5. Social reactions and judgment

You may encounter insensitive or judgmental reactions from others, which can add to the emotional burden. Comments like, "How could they do that?" or, "Didn't they think about their family?" can feel hurtful and exacerbate feelings of guilt or shame. Others might avoid discussing the person’s death altogether, creating a sense of social isolation.

6. The search for meaning

People who experience a loss to suicide often go through an intense period of meaning-making, trying to find a reason for what happened. The mind seeks to understand why the suicide occurred, but the reality is that many suicides are the result of complex mental health issues, emotional pain, or circumstances beyond the survivor’s control. This search for meaning can feel futile and exhausting, especially when no clear answers emerge.

7. Trauma and shock

The suddenness and often unexpected nature of suicide can leave survivors in a state of shock and trauma. Unlike deaths due to illness or old age, suicide can feel abrupt and out of the blue. The trauma of discovering or learning about the suicide, combined with the emotional toll of losing someone this way, can have a long-lasting impact on the grieving process.

8. Relational complications

The relationship you had with the person who died can make suicide grief more complicated. If you had an unresolved conflict, if the relationship was strained, or if you were particularly close, you may experience intensified emotions of guilt, anger, or regret. The nature of the relationship can also affect how you process their death and how you navigate your emotions moving forward.

9. Fear for other loved ones

Losing someone to suicide can spark fear for the well-being of other loved ones, or even yourself. You may become overly protective of family members, friends, or children, worrying that they, too, might be at risk. This heightened sense of anxiety can compound grief with fear, making the healing process even more complex.

10. Prolonged grieving process

Because of the complexity and intensity of emotions after a suicide, the grieving process may take longer than other types of losses. Survivors often experience:

• A prolonged period of disbelief and shock.
• Recurrent feelings of guilt or regret that are hard to shake.
• Difficulty finding closure, especially if they are preoccupied with trying to understand the reasons behind the suicide.

This extended grief can feel exhausting and overwhelming, with the healing process being slower and less straightforward than with other forms of loss.

11. Complicated mourning rituals

Some cultural or religious practices around death and mourning may not fully accommodate or recognize suicide as a form of loss, which can further complicate the grieving process. The inability to properly mourn according to personal or societal customs can make the loss feel even more isolating.

12. Rejection of support

In some cases, people grieving after a suicide may hesitate to seek out support because they feel they don't deserve it, or they might feel too ashamed to share their experience. This lack of connection with others can prolong the grief and intensify feelings of isolation.

Grief after suicide is complex because it involves not just the pain of loss, but also layers of guilt, confusion, and emotional conflict. The stigma surrounding suicide, the absence of clear answers, and the emotional burden survivors carry can make the grieving process feel especially isolating and overwhelming.

If you're experiencing these emotions, it’s important to seek support—whether from friends, support groups, or a mental health professional—who can help you navigate this difficult journey.

Suicide grief quotes

Reading quotes after losing someone to suicide can provide comfort and validation by expressing emotions that may be hard to articulate. These words can offer a sense of connection and hope, reminding those grieving that they are not alone in their feelings and experiences.

1. “Healing is not about moving on or ‘getting over it.’ It’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again.” — Shirley Kamisky
2. “If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide—even if you, yourself, have dealt with depression and suicidal ideation—you may often wonder why. And that’s okay. Allow yourself that space.” — Karen Espenshade
3. "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it." — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
4. “One thing I learned is however I decided to grieve is the right way for me. Everyone’s different.” — Ron Prickett
5. "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break." — William Shakespeare
6. "The pain passes, but the beauty remains." — Pierre-Auguste Renoir
7. "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." — Kenji Miyazawa
8. "What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." — Helen Keller
9. "It is the most difficult of deaths to mourn—the death of one who chooses to die." — Erica Jong
10. "There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery." — Dante Alighieri

These quotes can serve as a source of comfort, validation, and strength when navigating the complex emotions that accompany suicide loss.

If you’ve lost someone to suicide and are seeking community, consider utilizing Ever Loved’s grief support forums. Depending on your needs, it may also be worth seeking out professional help in the form of a support group or a therapist.

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