Thomas Hartley Tower

June 13, 1949 - January 31, 2025

Tom Tower was love personified: a man of several professions, uncountable hobbies, and immeasurable love for his friends and family. Summarizing a life so lived to the fullest is no easy task. He wore enough hats to start his own hat shop, but here is a sampling of his favorites.

Tom was born and raised in Los Angeles, California, a devoted son of Thomas J. Tower and Hartlyn June Tower. A graduate of Narbonne High School, he completed his undergraduate studies at UC Santa Cruz, followed by graduate school at Western Oregon State University with degrees in Psychology and Counseling.

As a teenager, Tom took up magic and performed as a magician at house parties. His love of the craft never faded, and he attended shows and workshops well into his 70's. Other lifelong interests included watersports, from scuba diving and white-water kayaking to swimming laps at the local rec center. A dedicated Grateful Dead fan, you could usually find him savoring the little things in his tie-dyed T-shirts and rose-colored glasses. He had so many Hawaiian shirts that his niece and nephew still refer to all Hawaiian shirts as ‘Uncle Tom shirts’.

A passionate musician, Tom primarily played banjo, but also the slide guitar, dobro, bass, concertina, didgeridoo, and washboard. He worked with his dad for a time in Tower Construction, building barns and homes in the Salem and Silverton areas. In hindsight, Tom believed it was his dad's way of creating day jobs for he and his friends while they pursued their musical careers, and he remembered these years fondly for the unique opportunity to get to know his dad as a fellow adult.

His talent for woodworking led to polishing his skills as a luthier. He built stunning musical instruments and taught a banjo-building class at the local college. As a musician and songwriter, Tom brought his irresistible stage presence across the Pacific Northwest as a member of three folk and bluegrass bands: Briarose, No Strings Attached, and Kathy Boyd and Phoenix Rising.

Tom’s primary career was as a therapist, first in community health offering mental health and addiction counseling for the homeless at Cascadia. Without seeking it, he earned a niche in the queer community for his unwavering welcome and was given the affectionate nickname of ‘the dyke whisperer’ by his clients. He later started his own private practice, supporting travelers on all walks of life at the Integral Counseling Institute.

As a shaman, meditator, and explorer of the science of consciousness, Tom met regularly with a group of friends to ponder these mysteries of life together for over 25 years. Tom transitioned from mental health counseling to the spiritual care of hospice patients and their families as a hospice chaplain. Most chaplains he worked with came to supporting people through end-of-life transitions through a specific religious denomination and primarily served people from their own community. Tom’s calling became to care for everyone else, becoming well known for his ability to adapt his approach to meet people with kindness and humor no matter their beliefs.

He began facilitating memorials for some of his hospice clients and was so gifted at bringing people’s hearts together at these gatherings that he began being asked to officiate weddings as well. He wedded couples all over the West Coast, including in his own living room, and wrote each couple their own love song.

Tom met his wife, Krista Albert in French class at Portland State. They honeymooned in France and became proud parents to Lucille and Pascal. Of all the roles Tom held in his lifetime, the one he treasured and excelled at the most was the role of dad. He cherished fatherhood, absolutely adored his children, and surrounded them with unconditional love every day of their lives. He had an innate sense of the perfect response in even the trickiest parenting situations. Once, when asked by his young child, "Why do people use drugs?" he responded, "Oh, because drugs are really, REALLY fun." Having fully engaged his listener, he spent the next 20 minutes explaining at length the downside of having that kind of fun and the long-term consequences. Credibility permanently established: check. His children knew they could go to him for an honest answer about anything and in tough situations, they never thought, “Oh no, Dad’s going to kill me," they thought, “Uh oh, I need to call my dad.”

Tom's counsel was frequently sought by other fathers. When a friend approached him with the news that his seven-year-old son had lied to him, Tom said "So he was acting like a seven-year-old, and then what?" When his friend insisted this was a terrible infraction requiring consequences, Tom replied " Well, you could shame him for it, or you wait for him to outgrow it and keep modeling honesty. Which do you think will be better for your future relationship with him?”

As a dad, Tom became an enthusiastic supporter of Lucille and Pascal’s interests, filling weekends and summers with trips to the library, the zoo, the Oregon coast, reptile shows, and comic cons. He celebrated both of his children’s graduations (Lucille in midwifery and Pascal in psychology), and officiated the weddings of both of his children to the loves of their lives.

Three years ago, Tom helped welcome his grandson, Thomas Rosen Glick, into the world. They had a special connection. Tommy adored him and loved reading books on his Grandpa’s lap and splashing at the pool together. Tom’s curiosity, humor, and love are rippling forward through generations.

As a hospice chaplain, Tom was no stranger to death. He has been quoted as saying that he was not at all afraid of being dead, it was dying that was the tricky part. The last thing he would have wanted was a prolonged ordeal in a hospital. Though it was sudden, a quick passing at home leaves much to be grateful for. On the day he died, he went on a coffee date with his wife and took a picture of the first hummingbird of the season. He was sitting in his favorite chair, on the phone with his daughter, and in the middle of a story about a good day. A clean getaway befitting of a life well lived. A family member joked that you have to be a saint to get a death like that, but we checked, and he isn’t eligible on account of having not abstained from playing the banjo.

There may not be a good time to go, but we are grateful for every minute of Tom’s life. Even in the last six months, he squeezed in so many good memories: celebrating his 75th birthday with his brother Michael and best friend Rollo, traveling to California to see Michael’s art retrospective of 50 years of paintings and honorary brother Frank, spending a month in Italy with his wife and a group of friends, and celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Tommy’s third birthday all together as a family.

Tom retired in 2019 and moved from Portland to Salem in 2021. He is survived by his wife of 35 years, Krista Albert; his cat Mittens, his daughter Lucille Glick (and partners Tavi and Juniper) in Portland; his son Pascal Tower (and partner Ira) also in Portland; his grandson Thomas Glick in Portland; his brother Michael Murphy in Emeryville, California; his nephew Sechin Tower and niece Jennifer Ross and their families, both in Seattle Washington; and by the many friends he cherished.

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