AUBREY "STEVE" NUTBROWN

A commentary on a fraternal narcissism by his only child

Born 2/22/30 Dead 11/3/21

My father was married once before, and I was a product of his second marriage to my mother. They were married for 60 years. I had a very lonely loveless childhood and was basically a third wheel in this diabolical relationship. I learned after his death, that he drained the living trust account, disinherited his only child, and his only grandson, created a will 5 months after I suffered a stroke, lied to me about the will and being the backup executor. Turns out my ex-girlfriend was the backup executor with her mother being the executor. This narcissist, would regularly beat me until I turned 15 years old. Normally started around the dinner table, with his having a bad day, and me with a smart mouth. Over the years I had realized he hit me where the marks could not be seen, and that he would become enraged when I taunted him about being a big man beating up a kid. The one memory that stands out, he was in the military and we were stationed overseas and after a really bad physical altercation, my mother pulled me aside and warned me not to tell anyone. She said that if I did it would go badly for him, and that neither of us would make it after he was through with us. I can't tell you as a 9-10 year old how many weekends I spent naked in my room, no cloths, and no sheets due to the physical abuse not getting the desired effect.

I can only image what my mother went through prior to my arrival. I do not know if she sanctioned this activity, but more than likely she suffered the same fate prior to my arrival. Unfortunately for her, as she progressed with dementia later in life , his treatment of her was reminiscent of my upbringing. However she did nothing to stop the beatings, and was passive about the abuse in general. She was prime example of being the perfect companion for a male narcissist. She was smart, successful, and well thought of in her business community which my father believed elevated his status. My father kept her as isolated a possible, and financial dependent. She only carried a twenty dollar bill and a blank check, that she could only use in emergencies. Going through their financial records, all of which were in a living trust account, showed my father pulling money from the living trust account twice a month 1k and depositing into his own personal savings account. He was pulling money from his military retirement, and my mother's civil service retirement. My mother who was codependent enabler and a filter for my fraternal narcissist, had recently died 9/2018 and less than a year later he moved without telling his immediate family, which consisted of his only child, and his only grandchild. It was absolutely sickening watching him disparage my mother in her weaken mental state, with verbal attacks, that were reminiscent of how he treated me at a younger age. I will not begin to discuss his treatment and lack of empathy he projected during my mother's demise. I was in constant phone contact with the director of the nursing home, and had visited the home on numerous occasions. The staff at the nursing home absolutely despised him. Each time I was at the nursing home my mother only had one thing from home. It was a blanket my wife gave her at Christmas. The staff seeing that I was there told both of us, she needs her own underwear, clothes, deodorant, hairbrush and other sundries. The narcissist absolutely failed to comply, I was incredulous. Everything that we had furnished on my first visit had disappeared on my subsequent visits.

There was a point when my father "kidnapped" my mother from the secure unit of the nursing home and wheeling her out the front door. The director called me frantic, as they were legally responsible for my mother and that she had been removed from the secure premise without clearance. My mother that night literally went out of her mind, and the narcissist had to call EMS to take her to the hospital. My son said you could hear her screaming for her mother all the way down the hall from the ICU. Later that night, the narcissist was involved in a hit and run in the hospital parking lot. By the time I showed up two days later, he had already traded in the damaged vehicle, for a new one. He never reported the accident to security or left a note on the victim's car.

Upon his death, and his actions that he took before his demise absolutely broke my heart and really messed with me mentally when he disowned his only child and lacked the testicular fortitude to tell me directly. After my mother's passing, he refused to move to the east coast to be with his relatives, and refused to move back to Texas to be with his immediate family. During his mourning period, if there ever really was one, he became reacquainted with my old girlfriend from 35 years ago and her mother. Based on events it is clear that the fraternal narcissist employed a traditional tactic of theirs called love bombing. “The term “love bombing” refers to a pattern of overly affectionate behavior that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party “bombs” the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention. This behavior can include showering the other person with gifts and/or compliments, declaring love early on, and/or taking steps to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together.” Ironically, this narcissist had known these individuals when my mother was alive, and I have emails with commentary that the incessant chattering drove him crazy. I learned after his death, that he drained the living trust account, disinherited his only child, and his only grandson, created a will 5 months after I suffered a stroke, lied to me about the will and being the backup executor. I was forbidden to received any photographs or video of my image growing up, or my mother's personal possessions, forever in the hands of a nonfamily member or trashed. A real nice guy.

Once he retired from the military and entered civilian life he was no longer constrained by his rank and military status. He practiced isolation with his family ensuring that where ever we moved, there was no family or support system. He did this more frequently in later years moving 5-6 times within a 225 mile radius, as my mother grew increasing ill with dementia, and I believe was unable to buffer my father and his actions from neighbors and residents. The last time was to Florida, were they knew nobody, and that my mother should have been in a facility to protect her from his inactions. To include the most common trait of a narcissist, lack compassion and empathy.

I followed his movements and whereabouts through the ex-girlfriend's page on Facebook. During this time I had received numerous calls from his property manager who was concerned for his welfare, and that he was being taken advantage of. When pressed she told me that he was vague on where he was moving and that he was going to live with "Good old what's her name". Over the course of several months she would visit with him, and would get the same response concerning who and where he was moving. She had told him that he could continue to live in the unit, for as long as possible with the same rent. The times I spoke with him, when he would answer his cell phone, he could never recall her name, pre and post re-location.

We shouldn’t be as that is how he treated my maternal grandmother, Stella during her dementia demise. In 28 years he never attended any of his grandson's birthdays (July), and refused to attend his grandson's graduation. At the time of his death, he had not attended any of my birthdays(December) in 31 years. All these events inferred with his routine 30 year odyssey of cross country couch surfing routine to the same destinations. We never saw them for Thanksgiving in 30 years. Caught him in another lie, just before my mother's death they were coming to visit for Thanksgiving. A couple of days before, a rare event he called me advising the church needed their help and they would not be coming. On that Thanksgiving Day, I called my mother's cell number, she was in such a mental state, that she did not know what was going on other than they were in Florida.

My father never apologized for his lying when caught, never apologized when caught for stealing his grandson's college fund money and offered no explanation. I deduced, that he need a downpayment for a house, and did not want to wait to sell the one he was in. Of note after the military he moved 8 times, I and my friends assisted on six of those moves within the state of Texas. In the 30 plus years of retirement, with a exception of a couple of years of playing golf, he had no interests, no sports, no hobbies, but he liked to get in car and drive 600 miles a day plus even at age of 89. My mother hated it.

I will not start on the treatment or lack of empathy he projected during my mother's demise. We shouldn’t be as that is how he treated my maternal grandmother, Stella.

The last Christmas I saw her, she was dis-shoveled, reeked of body odor, and malnourished. By my calculations, her early stages of dementia started in 2009. My father never ever told anybody of her affliction, or would ignore inquiries about her, which was ridiculous as it was very obvious. Side note, my maternal grandmother died of the same disease, my father never would visit her over the few years of life she had remaining. According to my mother, "it upset him too much" So much so, that when my grandmother passed, I had to drive several hours, to identify her remains. My parents had just left the day before on their annual cross country couch surfing tour. This was an annual event, same places and same people for over 30 years. They were visiting my mother's friends, in hindsight my father did not make friends easily and only if there was something to gain. . . when they reached out he moved immediately.

He was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis while my mother was alive, and I believe that he did not tell his host of this illness until after his relocation to Washington state. Died within 1.5 years drained the living trust created a will deliberately omitting his only child and his only grandson, giving the living estate money which was substantial to those two ladies Never said a word to me

Upon reflection his lying, physical and emotional abuse, no empathy and his public persona vs private was night and day, petty money stealing from grandson's college account are just a few items

I cannot believe how myopic, trusting, and naive I was towards him. I guess it was a victim mentality.

At age 58 I realized I was never loved in this three person family unit and that hurt the most

I always knew they were different but never put it all together. My son, wife, and her family believed there was something off with him and my mother since the first day they meet him, some 33 years ago.

In closing, after his retirement he no longer had to check himself with the physical and verbal abuse As caregiver he criticized, humiliated, hurt, degraded and derided his only child at every opportunity. What’s made this suffering most destructive is the abuser’s conviction that it was what his only child deserved . There is no sense of recrimination, accountability, nor guilt for what they put this child through. Rather there is an inscrutable self-righteousness in their cruel attitudes and behavior towards the victim. Without fail, there is also a concerted effort to keep this abuse private from the world at large. The as an adult i recall seeing the abusive caregiver charm people outside the home and keep their demonic cruelty behind closed doors. All the better to discredit the victim’s credibility if they ever come forward to report the abuse. Welcome to the world of the narcissistic family’s scapegoat. Part of the narcissistic tactic is keeping family in isolation. Whether that isolation was geographical, he never wanted to live where he had family, or communication. He rarely ever picked up the telephone just to say hello or in later years pretending that he did not know how to operate a cellular phone. So as his final shot at me and his immediate family: giving away all the family money, possessions, and memories to ex girlfriend's mother, who was widowed and left financially well off prior to his love bombing and buying them off.     

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