Speech at Memorial: Peter in English, Frau Zanders in German
Thank you for joining, in person or via Zoom. I am very happy and proud that so many people cared so much about Pat and joined this memorial of her life. She would have been very touched.
I want to tell you about Pat and my life together and I want to recognize some of the people who were important in our lives and influenced and helped us in many ways.
Pat and I met in the fall of 1973, over 50 yrs ago at the University of Freiburg in Germany where Pat had come on an exchange program for one year. She was the lovely girl from America, top student and very serious and dedicated to her studies. Me, by contrast, as a student was not so dedicated to my studies and sometimes rather confused about my purpose.
Even though our path together never went a straight line, there was always one constant: deep mutual love and trust in our joint destiny and our partnership, our shared interests, and our shared convictions and values.
We met at 2am in the community kitchen of our floor in the Studentensiedlung (student dormitory) in Freiburg where we both lived. I had a side-job as bartender in the student bar of the Siedlung one night a week and came home from work one night at that time. Pat, who had come to Germany and Freiburg only a few weeks earlier, had moved onto our floor in the Siedlung. She was very shy and unsure how to deal with this rambunctious crowd of German students sitting in the common room, drinking, discussing, singing. Yes, and – what a horror – many smoked. So she hid in her room and did not join the crowd.
At 2 a clock in the middle of night she felt it was safe and she came to the kitchen to cook her dinner. She did not know or trust the strange food that the Germans ate. On the other hand, having to cook for herself was also a new challenge for her since meals were provided in her dormitories at University of Michigan. So what did she cook, at 2 in the morning when nobody saw her? It was delicacies like French Toast or Omelet. Or alternatively, Omelet and French Toast. That was it. So when I claimed to be fascinated by this she showed me how she prepared these delicacies and let me try it. I was hooked, however not so much by the French Toast but by the girl. Later on I had opportunity to gradually introduce her to the wonders of the German cuisine and, jointly, we became adventurous and loved to get to know all kinds of foreign and even exotic foods.
Part 2
After Pat had to return to Michigan in 1975 came the first hard test for the durability of our relationship. We both had to finish our university studies. Pat earned her master’s degree in Linguistic in record time. She then came back to Germany in 1976 and worked as an Exchange Teacher at a Gymnasium in Wiesbaden while I finally finished my studies.
In 1977 we together moved to San Jose CA where I had the opportunity to become an exchange intern in a bank. Working for a bank was actually a very unlikely scenario for us, which we never had envisioned in college. However, soon after Pat changed the path of her career from being an English teacher for foreign students to become a programmer and systems analyst at Bank of America. So it was funny that we were both aspiring bankers. From then on we were together all the time until now, never separated for more than a few weeks when we visited our respective families in the USA or in Germany.
After the first mad dash of love we became a team which shared and developed joint interests, formed opinions and had a simple but comfortable lifestyle. We had a life and purpose that suited us well. We became truly each others best friends and the two of us together never felt like just two people who happened to live alongside each other but we always felt as a joint entity, a couple. Over the course of the following 46 years we got married and then our life and work took us across stations in the US, Monaco, Germany, England, and finally Germany again. WE even worked together for the same company in their little startup office in Germany. But that was not a good idea, because Pat did not like to work with me as a boss.
The last phase started in February 2002 when Pat was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a terrible disease which affects the brain and how it controls the body. At first she only developed problems walking but over time more and more parts of her body gradually stopped functioning and she needed to use more and more aids and assistance to enable daily life. And then in early 2022, when she was already strongly limited in her mobility, she broke her ankle when she tried to go the bathroom at night without disturbing me. After that she became restricted to bed and the terrible spirale of surgeries, wounds, pains, and infections started, which led to her death.
Part 3
In the next few minutes I want to name some of the people who touched Pat’s life in so many ways.
Our families, who on both sides had not expected that their kids would have such a complicated international relationship with all the difficulties and challenges this involves. Yet, they accepted it and became very supportive. Our parents on both sides have already died, her mom only two years ago at the age of 102. I am happy that my aunt Margit is with us today. Patty always liked her for her good mood and ready laughter. Aunt Margit is the last family member in the generation of our parents. With her daughter Manuela she drove here today all the way from Bavaria. My cousin Karin has come to join us here with her husband Werner all the way from Switzerland. And cousin Hermann and his wife came here from near Stuttgart, also a long drive.
Patty’s siblings, Diane and Bill have both come here from the US to join this memorial. Bill had an important role in Pat’s early life. He was her big brother when she grew up. He felt responsible for her and helped her with her Math problems in school. In recent years Pat loved him for looking after their mother who had become very weak in the last years of her life before passing away at age 102. In particular I have to thank Pat’s sister Diane for her loyalty and love for Pat in the two years since she was bedridden. We had almost daily video calls over the internet, talking and solving the most challenging crossword puzzles with Pat. Together the three of us were an intellectual powerhouse. Pat loved these sessions. I love you for your commitment, Diane. Blake, Diane’s husband spent many hours on the internet with Pat helping her fix problems on her PC. Finally I also want to mention my own sister Gabriele, who would drive up frequently the 250 km from Mainz without hesitation when there was any need. Pat particularly loved her good cooking.
Next I want to recognize Patty’s dear friends from high-school: in particular Andrea Ocamb who is connected via Zoom from California as well as Pat’s old friends Barb and Natalie in Michigan. There are also my friends from Gymnasium in Germany who became Pat’s friends as well. Eva Schuler und Wolfgang Hauser who have both traveled to be here today.
Then there are our joint friends from our time at the Studentensiedlung back in 1973-76, in Freiburg. It was a great surprise when we moved to Dusseldorf in 2003 to find out that Christof Kraus had also moved to this area. He and his wife Anna are here today and so is Werner from Mainz. Holger, who now lives in South Africa, has joined us via Zoom. And Hans came here from the Frankfurt area where he and Kathleen now live. They spent most of the years since university teaching German, English, and French in Ireland, Finland, and even Uzbekistan and sometimes even in Germany. In between they also managed to visit us in California, in Monaco, and in Germany of course.
Our first friend in California in 1977 was Albert Kaiser who has joined here today by Zoom. At the time Al was a student in San Jose State University. On the side he had a job to manage a little apartment complex for low income renters like us. He rented us our first apartment and became our closest friend for the first few years. He was also our witness when we got married in 1978 and has remained our friend since.
Part 4
Pat and I worked for Fair Isaac at the time when the company was expanding into Europe. As a result we had the incredible luck to work with a group of very motivated, intelligent, and fun-loving people from different countries in Europe, US, and South Africa. For a while this really was like a family. These guys have become close friends to Pat and me: Hollis, Alison and Mark Britto from the US; Andy, Deidre from the UK; Norbert and Paul from Germany; Uli also from Germany and now lives in Kenia; Carlos from Paris; Aldo from Italy; Rudi and Wim from Belgium, Ricardo from Spain, and Klaas from South Africa. We all lived in different countries and continents but we worked together in the early days of the Internet. It was a magic time! Most of them are with us here today, in person or via Zoom. Those from the US west coast had to get up at 5am to join the meeting.
I specifically also want to mention our former boss OD Nelson who tried to manage this crazy group and became mentor and personal friend to Pat and me. He passed away last year. His wife Amy has also joined us on Zoom.
Now we come to Duesseldorf and our Neighbors: There is Frau Danco who became Patty‘s oldest and dearest friend in Dusseldorf. And in the recent years, the families Nelissen und Massion have become trusted friends and helped us in many ways.
And finally I have to thank the following for helping Pat over the years when her sickness became ever worse: Dr Homrich, our family doctor; Olga Sperling and her team who performed physiotherapy and helped Pat to get the best out of her failing body; Frau Gallasch and her team who came daily for treating the wounds and other medical needs.
And, in the last year and a half, we had Irina from Latvia who lived in our house and lovingly took care of Pat, making her life as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. During her summer vacation she was very competently replaced by Tatjana from Ukraine. I want to thank both of these ladies from all my heart.
I know there are others who were important in Pat’s life and who are here today in person or virtually via Zoom and whom I did not mention. I can assure you that Pat always was grateful for your company and support.
I want to end with a poem that Andrea Ocamb has shared with me and which I changed a little bit:
Patty, I don’t know where you now are
but I think of you as flying through the skies as a bright star
which is what you always were for me.
I pray you will find eternal peace and harmony.
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