Neal,
I did not bear you in my womb in this lifetime, nor did I know you for long like many of your friends and family. I knew you briefly in Milwaukee as a toddler who loved the earth and its animals, the little boy who loved and lived in the National Geographic magazine.
Then, several years later, when you visited us in Houston as a teenager, I saw a very unusual teenager who looked into people's eyes and spoke to their hearts, one who loved life and all its creatures. I learned this when you spent all night in our backyard crawling after a tiny frog and caressing it. I felt the first connection and tug in my heart for you then.
Fast forward a few years, and I heard you were diagnosed with this cancer. This came to my consciousness when the entire world was down with COVID-19, and I was profoundly searching for meaning in my life.
I wondered; I pondered; I prayed; I cried a lot; I never could gather my courage to speak to your mom or dad, mainly because I did not know what to say. I have dealt with disease and death daily for years, in my profession, but this felt very different, and I did not know why then. I silently followed your treatment course with a prayer and a question in my soul- why is this happening? What is this trying to tell me, tell us?
When I learned your cancer had recurred in January of this year, I told Basant uncle, 'I wish he comes to MD Anderson once for a second opinion,' and added, 'If he doesn't come, we should go and see him.' I really wanted to meet you because I believed you had some message for my soul.
Hence, within a few weeks, when I knew you were coming to Houston, mixed emotions filled my heart. I could see many unclear dots getting connected in my psyche, and I wrote in my journal with tears: 'Why is this unfolding in my consciousness now? What is he coming to teach me? About death or about life? What is life trying to teach me about myself? What is this all about?' I had more questions than answers.
And in those few days you were with me, Neal, I felt …I have known you for ages, for lifetimes; I felt as if I had borne you in my womb in some birth; those eyes, those hugs, that laughter – it felt like my soul had known them and yearned for them for a long time. When you insisted and massaged my feet, I learned about unconditional love and the beauty of the human spirit. I tried hard to hide my tears from you that day but failed.
When I asked what you wanted for a gift, you hugged me tight and said, "Nothing, Aunty. I was a bit anxious when I came here, but you made me feel at home instantly; you love me and care for me so well. That's all I want.' You left me speechless then and at many other times.
I loved our short yet soulful chats on the sofa, with you leaning on my shoulder. I asked you, 'Neal, how were the last 4 years? Were you ever too scared?' I was stunned when you answered, "Yes it has been hard, Aunty. I wouldn't lie, but I was not scared. Instead, I am very thankful, Aunty, because I made so many good friends in my cancer team and became much closer to all my close and extended family.' I instantly felt like I was listening to a wise, old, loving soul who has lived a long life, embodied in a frail 18-year-old frame. I bowed at your little feet in my mind and kissed your head for that wisdom of the soul.
Someone in your family said that day, 'You chose your family, came, lived your life to the fullest, and left peacefully after having touched so many lives in your short journey.' I totally agree with that, and I am thankful that you gave me the privilege to be a part of your journey, at least for a very short time, and experience the love and beauty of your soul.
I am so grateful to have known you and be touched by your energy, as everyone else who has come to know you, including all the living creatures touched by your presence, curiosity, and love. I am sure Ginger & Pepper miss you so much as well. Hershi missed you a lot when you left our home, and I cannot forget how many times you got out of the car that day before you bid goodbye just to hug Hershi, Nivy & me. We love you, Neal, for leaving our hearts full.
Nivy & Snehaa have experienced sickness and death in the family before. Still, they have never experienced someone so full of love and life, so authentic, free, light, playful, and adorable. Snehaa said you are one rare person who opened her authentic self up. Nivy has many silent tears to this day, thinking about you. Thank you, Neal, for giving them a different perspective on life. Basant uncle still misses you like the son he never had. You filled his Milwaukee days with joy as a toddler clinging to him.
After you left, I wrote in my journal, "Neal, You taught me Love and how to show that to everyone, to everything and everywhere; You taught me Life- and how to live every ounce of it from the bottom of my heart; You taught me to Laugh from my soul once again- laugh my fears, anxieties, worries and tears away and laugh.. till it tickles another's soul; You taught me to love the earth …and be connected to all the life it holds; Neal you taught me... that I am more than this aging, aching body and agitated mind."
I wish I had more time with you Neal. I would have definitely made you more treats, cuddled up on the sofa for more hugs, maybe gotten myself another foot massage, and learned the name of one more snake. Still, more importantly, I wish I had more time with you to know you better and more about myself and life through you.
Only a few people come into our lives and change it forever. And only rarely would anyone make such an impact in such a short time, and in my case, in a matter of days. You walked into my life with little steps in a big way, and my soul is not the same since you touched it with your love.
I have wondered if the cancer that got you all the attention, love, and connection. "No!" I know that deep within because this is not my first time dealing with cancer. It is your spirit, your energy! I knew cancer was just the vehicle, and your soul was flying high and shining bright despite the weight of the diagnosis.
You embrace everyone so lovingly; anyone who has felt it would not want to let that go. My dear Neal, I wondered if cancer felt the same way, too?! Is that why it never loosened its grip on you till the end?
I will miss you dearly, Neal.
To me, you are always alive. Your spirit, the beautiful light, always abides.
I will always see your smile in every dog that licks me.
I will never forget how fondly you enjoyed my Tuna sandwich, even though I know it was not the world's best, as you said genuinely from your heart. And whenever I make it again, I will always save your share in my thoughts.
I think of you every morning when I make the mixed berry smoothie. I would market it someday as you suggested and then name it 'Neal's Berry Delight.'
I will never forget your stove-side hugs and random questions about my emotional interactions with my family, which stirred a sense of awe and admiration toward you. I will remember them fondly whenever I am by the stove and cooking.
I have never done this before, but in all my future hikes in the woods, I am sure I will turn every little stone in my path with the hope of glimpsing part of your sweet soul cuddled with the creature crawling beneath.
I may always be scared of snakes, but I will take one step forward to take a closer look if I find one, and I would wonder if I could snap you a pic and ask what type it is.
I may not fully understand death, but I will always remember to live life to the fullest and love to my heart's content.
Thank you, Neal, for teaching me to live and to love.
May your beautiful soul rest in peace kanna!
Love,
Purnima aunty
Thoughts, prayers and loads of love for your soul's peaceful journey! We love you and miss you !
From
Basant uncle, Purnima aunty, Snehaa, Nivy & Hershi!
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