So weird to look at this tonight. It's like a far off dream. I barely remember anymore. My dogs I lost, yes. Always and forever . But this man. No. It's like a nightmare. A bad dream. It's been so long since any of it mattered. 

I know in the afterlife, whether a person ends up in heaven or hell, they know everything immediately. They know all their sins . They know why they are being judged. They know the pain they caused people by 1000 times. They know everything about everything. The working of the stars. The working of Jesus. Whatever it is, they know. And in heaven there's a library to learn more. So if there is things a person who died still had questions about , there's that too. There's also the fur babies we loved that meet those that go to heaven. Like my sweet dogs. All of them. They are all waiting for me by the river in heaven. I almost left again. 4 times in 3 years ! But God spared me again and I keep fighting this horrible disease. 

Last time it was Kyle that held my hand while he had his secret life at home....for Christmas. I was so stupid ! I actually thought he cared. Haha. But I was just a "cancer patient " according to Kyle. "I just have to pretend to love her". How did that work out for ya Kyle ? I hear in eternity that will be blasted to you forever. You can never escape that hurt you made for me. 

So spending another Christmas and new years in the hospital was very hard but I don't recall thinking of you. I fought to get home to my dogs. That's what mattered. 

I'm not sure why I ever loved you like I did. I'm trying to remember and I just can't figure it out. It's been so long ago that I have been single and alone....I mean you got to remember how many times I told you that you had destroyed me for any other lover . That I could never be with another man after being so destroyed by you. 

It will be 3 years that you have gone to the other side. And it feels like 20. I don't remember anything good anymore. Because when I think of a good time it automatically turns into remembering how at some point unt that ",good day" you tormented me about something or another to make me cry my eyes out. So every day with you was bad. 

And believe me. I wanted to hold onto something sweet. And loving and caring. I do remember after you tortured me about someone on fb for weeks that you wrote me a note and cried "I love you forever . Kyle". And that was so sweet but little Lisa was writing you I LOVE YOU and you were responding I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. So that cancels that nice gesture. I remember how you made me hurt so bad and then came to watch me at the river and cry . And I was so mad because you had been accusing me and torturing me ....and my response wasn't running into your arms. Just like all the times you would accuse me and torture me and then run off to be with all your other women , come back hours later , lay on our bed (that rotted and was thrown away. You know. The bed you wouldn't give to me that you let rot in storage ) and there you would listen to sappy love songs like the song by Ozzy or that song that I hate so much , SHE HATES ME! And I would watch you from the door and wonder why you tormented me for hours , then disappeared and now your there laying on the bed crying about me. It never made sense. I remember you bragged how you and little lisa split up over 20 times and got back together. But you did that with me too. Even when we lived together. That's what narcissists do. So , in my mind, those 7 years I was "with you", I was not with you . I have been single for many years. And living with you was just living with you. That's it. You had 2 other Lisa's at the time plus all the other women and me too. You had your harem. You lived and died with your harem. And you belonged to noone. Sad. Because all I wanted was a family and you couldn't give it to me. 

I will never see you again. I will see many people. I will definitely see my dogs. And when my time is done on earth I will go to Jesus. Talking about God and Jesus enraged you. You spit fire from your loins and eyes when I wanted to worship the Lord and talk about God. In fact. Your eyes would turn black and that's actually why I had to make you leave my home. Because you screamed for Satan to enter my home and your body. And I could no longer allow someone to side with Satan being in my home. 

I wish I could say I miss you. I wish I could say I love you. But I don't feel anything anymore except relief that I'm no longer being hurt.