Twinkle Toes — with Kurtis Haynes

Catching Snakes — with Kurtis Haynes

I first met Kurt three years ago at a Fourth of July barbecue. I still remember joking with him that all the girls were looking at him—and he’d smile so big, almost innocent. That day we played cornhole and talked for a bit, and from then on, he started calling me.

I always looked forward to those calls. When he was in the right headspace, you could hear his smile radiating through the phone. Over the past three years, from what I’ve come to know, Kurt was a good kid—always kind, always happy, always trying to help. He wanted to have the answer for everything, which I thought was the best thing ever.

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss the random calls, even the ones where he was just trying to find his sister because she wasn’t picking up at work. It always made me smile.

Love you, Kurt. I’ll miss you deeply

Hey Kurt, it’s Jerry.

I’m not very good at these things, but my first memory of us was with your white pickup. I remember I had a toy hot wheel and thought they looked alike (I felt so cool just sitting in it). That was your grandparents (50th?) wedding anniversary. I was to nervous to say something nice about them and I regret it everyday.

The countless baseball games, playing computer games at grandpa dicks and riding bikes around Riverside and smoking cigarettes. 🚬 

I love ya Kurt, I’m sorry I didn’t make more time for you. You texted and called and I chose work over reaching out and seeing you. That’s time I’ll never get back and that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I hope we get to see each other again someday and you’re happy and thriving.

Until the next time, later dude.

I have only received two big bear hugs in my life, the type of hug that oozes and screams unconditional love, the kind of hug that makes you feel warm and safe, and the type of hug you can feel that person trying to take your pain away. Once by my dad and once by my brother. The second time I revived one of these hugs was from my dad, in December 2010, I was moving out of my fancy apartment to sell all my stuff, move in with dad and go to college full time. I was scared and I started crying, dad grabbed me and pulled me so fast towards him and wrapped one arm around my back squeezing, and the arm around my head so tight I could barely breath, he made me feel loved, safe and it felt like he was trying to take my fear. The first time I got a big bear hug was when I was 15 my brother and I were standing at the top of the stairs listening to our parents argue in the laundry room, dad was mad and was yelling, dad never yells during arguments. I said “Mom and Dad are going to get a divorce I know it” and I started crying. Kurt grabbed me so fast towards him and squeezed me so tight, as if he was trying to take all my pain away. In that moment I felt like it was going to be okay, because he is my big brother and he will keep me safe. Looking back, Kurt was probably just as scared as I was.

When we were little, I was always trying to get him to play Barbie’s with me, being the smart guy he was, he would promise to play Barbie’s with me for 5 minutes if I played cars, or video games with him for an hour. Video games were Commander Keen, Dune, Mortal Combat, and other PC games. So I would play for an hour with him, and he would play 5 minutes of Barbie’s with me (most of the time). It wasn’t about the Barbies, I was just happy my big brother would play with me. 

The three men -- Kurtis, Jeff and Greg -- went backpacking in the southern Sierra Nevada on a long weekend. Nola and Kortney were vacationing together in Portland, Oregon... funny, I have no idea where Susan was staying (where was she... with Grandma and Grandpa Haynes?). The destination was Heart Lake. The night before we began the hike we camped at around 9,000 ft. None of us realized that the night would bring a full lunar eclipse! So, the moon was full and the landscape bright with moonlight shining on that light-blue igneous rock. Then, the lunar eclipse happened and all went dark. Over the next hour, the full moon emerged in all its glory and the landscape shone around us bright as day. Blinding after the full darkness. A night I will never forget with my Nephew and my Brother. Love you Kurtis.