I miss you all of the time, Jesse. 2:22 ❤️

Happy birthday Jesse. I think we're going to go eat at vans in memory of you. <3

Your birthday is tomorrow. I feel a sadness in all of us here. I want to get a balloon and set it free for you but I couldn't remember it until now. If you're someplace now I hope you know I think about you everyday. Not one hour goes by without me trying to keep in touch with my memories of you. I wish I would have come home earlier and spent more nights with you watching youtube in your room, or just listening to music quietly absorbing it. You deserved a better life, Jesse. I love you, my only brother. 

Thinking of you tonight now that dad is gone, too. I hope you guys are able to connect on another plane and communicate everything you weren't able to in this life. I know how much you craved that connection. My heart is broken ever since you died Jesse. Dad dying reminds me of how much our family lost when you passed first. It just brings it all back and adds more sadness to it. I miss the both of you differently but mourn the both of you the same. I love you so much. I wish you could meet Raphael. I think he would make you laugh. I love you.

When Jesse and I were little we used to like playing in the backyard of the first house we lived in. I was a tomboy I guess and we used to pretend like we were construction workers who had huge plans for our future. We planned on building a theme park in the backyard with rollercoasters and all sorts of cool stuff. I remember talking about it with him then realizing how much work it would be for kids so we gave up. We used to tell eachother we were going to have great jobs growing up. Jesse was going to have a corvette while I was going to have a mustang. Back when life was so much more simple, as kids. Jesse had a lot of energy as a kid. He had a pokemon phase and went to a few tournaments in town here. He loved playing Cruis'n World on nintendo 64 as a kid and golden eye. It's a lot easier to talk about his childhood because adulthood was a real struggle for him and it hurts my heart to think about it. If I would have known he was going to pass so soon there's so much I would have said to him. I would have tried so hard to boost him up and I never would have left home. I love my brother so much. The world really lost somebody amazing.

No one will ever know just how much of a gift to existence Jesse was. My brother was the smartest person I ever knew. When we would get together we'd usually have some drinks and as the night unfolded we'd end up digging up the depths of ourselves and exchanging the pieces with eachother. I got so much insight from him those nights. We'd laugh so hard at prank phone calls on youtube, watch daym drops reviews together. I remember one time when he and I were young, he was probably 21 (maybe..) and we stayed up all night in my small ass room, which was close to the size of a jail cell, painting and trying to make music together. I had an electric piano and he had his acoustic guitar. He loved playing that then. We sounded terrible. I recorded it and put it on tumblr (wish I could find the video) and it ended with one of us pressing on a bunch of low piano keys and laughing. I don't know, weird moments like that with him bring me a lot of peace. Jesse was such a funny person. I wish everyone could know exactly who he was, at his core. So beautiful. Unlimited potential. 1 in a million. Words just can't describe how much I miss him. I tell my mom it feels like he's in the room next to mine. I think it's always going to feel like that. I love you Jesse.