I sent my dad the following text the morning of Sunday, February 13, 2022:

Dad,

Thanks for calling and telling me about the diagnosis. I know that wasn’t easy for you

I love you. I know you know that, but it’s still the right place to start. I will hope for the best. I will support and honor whatever decisions you make

If you want to talk about it I am up for a discussion. If you want to talk about it, but just need someone to listen without comment, I can do that too. If you want silent companionship I’m there for you. If you want a distraction we can talk physics, philosophy, history, photography, books, hiking, stories, food, and all the other topics we love. If you need an advocate I’ll be your champion! If you want space I’ll respect that need too. Whatever you want or need in the moment, and you’re invited to change your mind from moment to moment

Time flies, and you should know that though I didn’t say it as often as I should have, I am grateful to you for many things. For all those beach days — building sand castles and playing in the surf. I have endless memories of azure waves and golden sand. For all the hikes — amazing vistas and wonderful exercise. So many shades of green! For always believing in me — that I had both the “head” and the “heart.” Still trying to figure out what to do with those

Most of all thank you for for the example of living a thoughtful life. So many people I know are just on auto pilot. But you have always considered the sort of man you want to be. You’ve deliberately chosen to be kind when so many people get unconsciously trapped by cruelty. You’ve embraced the natural world. You gave me frameworks to start with, like “Do everything you’ve agreed to do, and do not infringe on other people or their property.” Imperfect frameworks (because perfection isn’t achievable here and now) but nonetheless simple and powerful. Those frameworks shaped my own deliberate choices about who to try to be

I find it heartbreaking that you hesitated to share this because you’ve had a lifetime of caring too much about what others thought, combined with a desire not to burden anyone else. I can perfectly empathize with those feelings. But I am glad that at least this morning you felt freed from that

I encourage you to consider sharing this news with the people that you love. It’s hard. Don’t do it if it’ll be a burden on you. But I think you’d want to know if it was anyone you loved, and I believe your loved ones feel the same. And I think they could be a source of strength for you

I am thankful that Hezar is there with you now. Know that I am there for Hezar too

I love you. However this turns out I’ll always love you. My dad. That’s an irreplaceable concept. And this is just a start on the conversations I hope to have over the coming week, months, and years. I’ll be home soon, but I wanted you to have these words today. In the meantime know that you are in my thoughts

Your loving son,

Nicholas

I am so glad my dad met and married Hezar. In every way his life was better for it.

With her he had romantic, spiritual, and physical love. And he also had the most support he had in his entire life. Hezar both believed in and helped him. She nurtured his spirit and self esteem, and also literally helped him by personally completing important but nitty gritty details that he hadn’t been able to do for himself. It’s because of her that my dad was finally able to build a business as a hiking guide.

And becoming a successful hiking guide was huge. It can’t be overstated. It provided him greater financial freedom than he had had the last twenty five years, and it overall wonderfully improved the quality of his life.

He loved meeting new people and he loved hiking. To be able to earn a good living as a guide, where the recipients of his services often felt like they got more than they paid for, was immensely satisfying. It was one of the win-win’s he had been looking for his entire life.

Whenever I saw him he almost always told me a story about whoever he had last taken out. And he never, ever had a complaint about anyone. He was so delighted to share what he knew and to learn from and about them: their views on life, their professional expertise, where they were from and what that was like.

And really it was a win-win-win-win because he also got fantastic exercise and to be in nature, both of which he loved.

I’m proud of him for following his dream and building a business he loved. I’m forever grateful to Hezar for supporting him in that. But my gratitude to Hezar goes way past building a business.

My dad was a better man for marrying Hezar. She was his equal. She inspired him. I know that one is true because he told me so more than once. I’m pretty sure she also challenged him, though he never actually said that to me, and I don’t think that’s exactly how he would have characterized it. But I characterize it that way because it’s the closest I can get, and anyway, I think it’s a good thing to be challenged.

She was his wife and partner and biggest fan and just his buddy. She brought him joy, in small moments and big ones. He was just plain happier.

That’s why I say he was a better man. And a better man makes for a better father.

Even good people can succumb to jealousy. Even good people can compete for the time and attention of their loved ones. But not Hezar. She was not an obstacle in my relationship with my dad, nor was she merely neutral on the matter. She was (and is) a blessing. She encouraged and fostered a stronger relationship between me and my dad. I doubt I will ever know the full extent of it. But I am eternally grateful. Although I have many great memories of my dad throughout my life the best years were these last five years.

Thank you Hezar. I love you.