It's been a year and a half since Jeff left us. I finally put up some pictures on the wall; pictures of our happy moments. Little did I know, the results were startlingly painful. Seeing these photos of Jeff is like playing a video of our life together but instead of reminding me of our happy times, they make me extremely sad. I would cry every time I look at the wall. I find that I have to make myself look away.

Grieving is so hard 😥 No one knows the pain until they lose their beloved spouse; I did not.

For so many months, I have cried a river of tears. Then I stopped crying because it hurts so much to cry. Well wishing people have told me that I should not avoid crying, that I should make time to cry and then give myself a shake and move on with my life. This hasn't worked for me because it still hurts so much every time I cry. I can't stop missing him every day, every hour of my day. The only thing that can stop the crying is to avoid thinking of Jeff.

Sophie said I tend to think of things in absolute, that I need to believe that my feelings are not always going to be in the same form or other. I may cry and hurt a lot one day and may be ok another. I will hang on to this belief. Writing out my feelings may be part of my healing. I will cover up the photos for now.

I will never stop missing you, my love. I wish you could talk to me.