My wife Candy found this pic of Jay when they were in highschool together….
The first time I saw Jay, he was playing drums for his rocking and heavy band, Shattered, in baker park in Frederick MD. That was in 1999 or 2000 for a benefit show I believe he helped organize called “A day for Ashley”. I was blown away, in the front row, immediately drawn in by the way he hit the drums. He hammered away each hit with physical power but also, sometimes with a dynamic lighter touch and slick groove. It matched perfectly with the slap bass played by Goat also pictured here, and heavy guitars and brooding vocals. Later on we’d combine along with members of Lynus to make a band called Points West and tour the country.
One time in New York City, Jay, myself, and Mike decided to become blood brothers in a dirty bathroom. The idea was a small cut of each forearm, not too much unlike a tattoo ritual. There was a stranger that walked in during this bizarre scene and looked at us like we were crazy. We were. We did not mention this event to our Moms. We were in our early 20s.
Jay stuck up for people all the time around him. He protected his friends and encouraged them to be themselves, unique and different as we all are.
In the Points West band, we played some great shows, stayed on couches, viewed the Grand Canyon, went all the way to Orange County CA, and back up to play CBGB in New York before eventually breaking up like most bands do. It was a formidable experience I will never forget. But as everyone knows, being around Jay is always a special and memorable experience because he elevates each moment with his charm and love of life.
Since that time, we stayed in touch, I helped him move out to Nashville, Candy and I visited, and we attended some of our friends’ weddings together.
I was pleased to see Jay and Lulu on Instagram so happy, and then their engagement, and baby Remi. It seemed to me a perfect match. I would get an occasional cat or baby pic now and then via text, but we had not gotten to meet them in person yet.
It’s crazy how time flies and things get busy. But with Jay, you always would pick up where you left off. Like his momma Derrice said, he had many buddies, and he gave a lot of nicknames. He called me the Mare, like a female horse, and he had nicknames for everyone. Jay’s sister Heather said that Jay had an elaborate plan for making family holiday T shirts with all kinds of weird nicknames, some of which were inappropriate. I hope that y’all still make them.
We were fortunate enough to attend his funeral in Cali and saw the tremendous support from the family, and buddies there. I felt moved and told this story there in front of his casket: “I shared a bed with Jay on a few occasions, but one time in particular was at Wiley’s bachelor party in New Orleans. We had done this before on tour or a road trip and it was not a big deal to us. We were buddies. We were up late and giggling and laughing about dum silly ideas, such as one day having a miniature pony farm. If someone had heard us, from outside the walls, they would have thought we were a couple of school girls the way we were laughing and carrying on. We were telling stories, and sharing memories… and then also sharing farts back and forth like a contest where no one wins.”
I also added that I felt he is going to be a guardian angel to look out for Lulu and Remi. Jay told me that when our friend Tommy passed recently, that he was in a better place, and at peace. This would lead me to believe that Jay thought there was something bigger than this place.
While on the way to his funeral, we joked that Jay had orchestrated the naked bicycle parade we saw that broke the silence and sadness in our cab to make us laugh.
I look forward to any other Jay pranks he can muster from the great beyond, and hope that he will continue to help to heal his still grieving family and buddies. I realize also, that as this helps me to imagine him in a better place, it doesn’t necessarily help the family that are still reeling in the day to day pain of him not being here physically.
I still wanted to share a dream that I had in hopes of inspiring some continued spiritual connection and continue to tell his stories…
I had a dream about Jay being in heaven. His smiling face similarly placed like Robin Williams’ face on the giant genie in the cartoon Aladdin. In a hazy cloud almost airbrushed with his huge ear to ear smile soaring large in the sky and giggling. I said Jay how ya doing? he said “great, there is the best cheese here brother” and giggled. The “cheese” being a reference of an additional nickname where he called me Ratty Kimball and I would crazily nash into cheese for his and others amusement.
There are still talks of some kind of eventual music festival in the future to raise more funds for the family, and to further remember Jay.
I also included a picture that Dave Synder took from a funeral bonfire ceremony in MD. There have been many other such hangs all over the country from the many people that knew him and were touched by his spirit.
Much love,
Kev
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