I'm sorry this whole thing is such a mess. I have never done this before . In fact, I have never lost anyone this close to me. My ex, Craig, who I had not seen and spoken to only a few times in 20 years passed away from jaw cancer some years ago. My friend Matt Hunter, who was Clay's housemate for about a year, died of a completely unknown cause at Clay's house two years ago. Clay and I were both pretty devastated by that. Matt was a hard person to live with but a truly unique pleasure to know. Clay and I never really knew how special he was and how much we had grown to love him until he was literally dead in our arms. That was the first time I'd ever touched a deceased person. Even though I grew up as a gay man in San Francisco in the age of AIDS, I somehow never had any friends that died. Pretty much everyone I knew in my teens and twenties was still alive until just recently. So, death is not something I am familiar with and the things living people do when someone dies is mysterious to me. I deeply regret letting Clay and I drift apart as much as we had. It was a NOT a contentious separation, I just knew Clay wanted to claim his space and I did everything I could think of to help him hang on to the house. I never thought he would really be able buy that place but he surprised the heck outta me. I was so proud of him and so thankful to Kirsten for making that happen. Clay had finally won. He had triumphed over a powerful force that had held him down kept him in a state of near panic for years. Finally, he was back in control of his life and he starting to unfurl his wings. I'm deeply sorrowful that he came so close to starting a new chapter from a powerful and stable position but his flame was just extinguished so needlessly. Nothing will ever be quite right again. This universe is not where I belong. Clay truly was my soul mate and I never really knew it. I miss him more than words can express.