One year ago I experienced the worst day in my life. It was when I knew Vanessa was not going to make it. Vanessa had a major brain aneurysm from heart complications she had been addressing for many years. It was on this day, October 3rd, 2023, Maria Vanessa Garay DeGuzman passed away.
ORGAN DONOR
On the 3rd, I was told that Ness was being kept alive via ventilator and I had to make a decision because she also was an organ donor. The doctors did give me the choice that I did not have to follow through on that organ donation and could have life support removed that day. But as I have done throughout my life with Ness, I supported her decision unconditionally and we kept her on the ventilator because I knew she wanted to help others. Believe it or not, I did not know Vanessa was an organ donor. Maybe she told me and I forgot, but in that moment, my mind and thoughts felt lost in a fog of despair that I still cannot fully describe.
Vanessa’s final act of giving her organs to help others was not surprising. The organ donation process was coordinated by Stanford Hospital where doctors from proximal regions arrived on October 5th and Vanessa’s organs were removed and quickly brought to waiting recipeints. It would be on the 5th, Vanessa was official declared deceased. To me, she passed away on October 3rd. Five of her organs were utilized to help others.
UBE - HER DOG
Not many people know that her faithful dog Ube was by her side during those last couple days. Ube was adopted by Vanessa because he too had heart issues.
All throughout Vanessa’s life she cared so deeply for others especially those who were experiencing health trauma and challenges in life. This included Ube. She felt a close connection to Ube during her visits to the rescue. I saw that up close during the several days Vanessa had me come along to meet him. Those who saw them together knew how inseparable they were to each other. I am grateful that Stanford Hospital allowed Ube to be with Vanessa in her hospital bed til the very end. It meant the world to all of us that Ube could also say goodbye.
COMMUNITY
What I want people to always remember about Vanessa’s life was her commitment to her family and her “framily.” She cared for them so fiercely and would prioritize her time to them to help them with whatever obstacle they were experiencing. In her younger years, it may have meant finding and coordinating socials to welcome new people to the community. It would be hosting dinners for our friends and even our students who were far away from home and didn’t have a place to go. She loved bringing together friends to gather allowing them to interact and find their own connections with each other. She took pride preparing our home for people to visit, whether it was one night or many weeks. She loved to participate in and have the family participate in fundraisers for causes she believed in. She was a master at using her wide network of friends and computer research skills to get someone the best deals on the planet or connect you to experts in their respective fields. In the last 5 years, as her health changed, it may have been spending her time as a listener and to explore ways to help people discreetly behind the scenes, quietly understanding and respecting the sensitivity of the issue.
FAMILY & PARENTING
When it came to our immediate family, our kids were everything. Vanessa and I often had our fiercest arguments over how we were raising our kids. I was admittedly the coddler and more hands off. The fun dad who said yes to everything. Vanessa was the disciplinarian and a hybrid Tiger mom. For those raising teenagers and have a similar parenting dynamic, you already know the fireworks that can emerge.
Despite these battles on parenting, we did agree on the same end goal for our kids- Balance. While we both wanted our kids to be college educated, what was more important was that we wanted our kids to be independent thinkers who could use their voice and speak up for themselves. In some way, we wanted our kids to be better than us as we both often time did not speak up when we faced injustices or inequitable treatment.
So it was important that we intentionally spoke about real life situations of inequity we faced and talked about the day to day experiences and interactions we had with others. She loved converting life situations into lessons outside the classroom and had me kick start and facilitate the discussion. We had so many conversations over the years and Vanessa always shared her mind transmitting her values of how people should treat each other. She intentionally drove home in all of us that the choices we make is a sign of our life priorities and values.
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
Growing up poor, Vanessa had to think and hustle like an adult at an earlier age. She believed that if our kids didn’t understand the real world, they would struggle. No college degree is going to make you happy if you can’t find balance in relationships, time to pursue personal passion, laugh a lot, surround self with friends who brought you joy and cared for kids as if their own. This was way more important to Vanessa than anything else. She changed her career trajectory to create more flexible time. She took us on so many travels to see and experience the world. She also took many of our friends and family along as well doing her best to make these trips affordable for all. She also ended relationships with others if she felt it did not align with her values. Although her life was cut way too short, I’m so grateful that she lived life the way she did.
VANESSA’s TIGER MOM STYLE
The truth was that her actions and dialogues meant our kids got to start thinking, “What would I do if I was in that situation?” at an earlier age than many others. I recall Vanessa telling me a story of a mom who had asked her to rein in Allison (who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time) because she was very outspoken and had formulated an opinion on gay marriages. Alli felt if two people loved each other, no matter what their gender was, they should be able to marry and have the same rights as others. The other mom was concerned because their daughter was asking them questions and they hadn’t spoken about those issues with their child and was afraid it would confuse their daughter. Vanessa’s response was pretty direct- Then don’t you think you should talk to your kids about this topic?
She believed in this unapologetic approach because she felt that authentic and open communication between parent and child was getting lost. We spent majority of both our careers working directly with and supervising college students. So we often talked about not only how smart these students were, but the amount of unresolved issues and the challenges they faced in their personal lives. The most difficult thing we both accepted was how many young college students did not have an open and authentic relationship with their parents to talk to. So for us, we shared a vision to make sure our kids could talk to us. We had intentional and deep strategies and tag teamed a lot on ensuring that if one of our kids couldn’t talk to me, they could talk to her. And vica versa. And if they couldn’t talk to either one of us, they could seek counsel from framily who we trusted. Vanessa directly told these friends as well that they are now surrogate parents and we trust them. Vanessa was always grateful that our kids have found so much wisdom and insight not only from us, but from the community of friends we entrusted.
CHRISTINA PAGUYO
This death anniversary today also commemorates the passing of our closest and dearest friend Christina Paguyo. She passed away 10 months prior to Ness on January 3rd 2023. She was one of our chosen godparents to our kids and was extremely close to our kids particularly Alli. Losing both Auntie Tina and Mom was extremely impactful to our kids. It is a reminder of the fragility of life and galvanizes the value and importance of community.
I am grateful to the hundreds of people who showed love and support to both Christina’s and Vanessa’s families during these dark times. From food to sustain us, to small and large acts of kindness that assisted us, to spending time with us and providing warmth and comfort when we felt so cold and sad.
PURPOSE
I still carry the shared hopes and fears that Ness and I held on worrying about the future of our kids and family. While I miss doing it with Vanessa by my side, it is still our shared purpose that we built together that I plan to carry out. Doing so makes her presence so very real even though it hurts so much to not have her here. I also plan to continue traveling and bringing her to the places she loved and the places we had planned go. My appreciation for traveling is because of Vanessa. if it wasn’t for her, I would’ve never discovered this. I love her so much and look forward to when we will reunite when my time is up. I love you Vanessa and I miss you.
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