From the August 28-29 weekend camping trip in memory of Richard ...

Given we are rather an unconventional family, and this camping trip for remembering Richard reflects that in a move away from a more traditional service...I struggled with whether I should still stand up and say something to you all in the form of a eulogy. Mostly, I struggled out of fear; knowing I wouldn’t be able to keep it together standing in front of you, but I actually do want to say something in writing because I love you all, and there are some of you who I may never see again after this time together.

I want you all to know how blessed I feel to have been Richard’s Mama (his moniker for me.) How grateful I am to be here with my wonderful children & husband Wes, my love & best friend. And so very grateful to be among all of you beautiful young people who flood my mind with so many memories - who were connected to Richard through friendship. I see faces Richard knew clear back in elementary, junior high, and high school, and you remained friends into adulthood. What a gift! It is wonderful so many of you traveled all this way to be with us in this glorious mountain setting to remember him.

I know that losing those we love hurts most profoundly, and I got to thinking that for some of you, losing Richard may be your first youthful experience with death; specifically someone in your close friendship group, to whom you identified with. Losing someone to suicide in particular, can trigger a massive wave of daily darkness that can swallow the survivors forever because of what we do not understand. A devastating loss that may never be fully understood.

I feel we must be more than this. We must transcend getting swallowed forever, as Richard, our beautiful boy, your brother, and your friend - would want it that way. I just know in my heart he would. I choose to honor my son who lived bravely with autism & depression in this way, so that my whole being doesn’t get destroyed and swallowed up. I love being a Mama and a comforter, and I will always be trying to nurture you all - so to my children that are here, their partners/spouses, and as a long-ago “Bonus Mom” to many of the rest of you who frequented our home, I ask that you honor Richard’s memory by living your very best life!! Do what you have to do, to be happy in this life...there is so much beauty to be found in people, in nature & in experiences. Seize every opportunity, every happiness, explore people and places that are different than what you’re used to, reach out to others to support you when you are feeling weak, alone & vulnerable, hold tight to the ones you love, and laugh, every day.

And if you can, work to move beyond blame. Several of you have reached out to me privately, sharing guilt over not knowing Richard was struggling & hurting, and may be hanging on to a certain level of self-blame. I encourage you to look deeper than that, by cherishing the love and camaraderie you shared with him. Please refrain from blaming yourself through guilt, and even perhaps in blaming Richard for his choice.

So as we spend this time together, please join me in sending love & healing to Richard on his journey, and also to all of us who have been left behind to journey on without him. Please include Richard as you move through your daily lives... smile at a memory of him, cry loving tears and tell him you miss him, include him in your celebrations, wrap your arms around a song you know he loved and dance, share meals you know he would have devoured, tell your friends and future children about him and your time together... because what’s remembered, lives. And we will remember you forever, our Richard.

Yours in peace & unending love, J.J./Mom/Mama