I forgot this site existed or I just didn't know; I'm sorry. I still miss you Mom, I have a photo of you and Grandma after a cruise that I talk to when I miss you, which is everyday. We had our issues and I wish we were talking but I know you loved me and I hope you knew I loved you. You are with Grandma now I like to think, no more pain for both of you.
Today I caught myself slipping up; the mask of bravery and strength merely just a cover for numbness. I feel nothing but sometimes I feel everything at once; I guess its the way I protect myself from reality. But today.. today I thought of the morels and our long walks and stories.. today I held your urn close to me ... today I cried.. today my mask broke and I felt for just a moment.. I cradled you and almost felt you next to me. The opportunity to heal what was broken was never given but I would give anything just to make sure you knew it was out of love. I didn’t want to loose you. I didn’t want to never say goodbye... I didn’t want my last words to really be my last words but a stop to the dangerous cycle. I wanted you to choose life. We will never know what happened exactly but we know you aren’t in pain. You won’t sit there everyday alone and struggling. The life you were given was unfair and you did your best. There were scars we couldn’t see and you tried your best to fill the missing void. You never saw it how we did, it was an escape from the pain for you. You didn’t want to hurt anyone, you just didn’t want to suffer. You didn’t see the unhealthy spiral and weren’t gonna have nobody tell you how you were gonna live. You were blind and we were ignorant. There was so much more for you out there but you can only help who wants help. You did the best you could to get by; you tried. We know you did. You should have never gone through what you did but you tried to do everything to make sure your children succeeded. You were the best mother you knew how to be. Thank you for all that you have done. I still drive by your house and will always have great memories to share so that your legacy is told. There couldn’t have been a women stronger than you. Your past and then all the surgeries and ailments and you were still strong as steel. You did everything you set your stubborn mind to. You taught us so much and tried to give us the strength to be ourselves in a cookie -cutter world. We will take care of your babies and each other. There’s nothing for you to worry about. May you Rest In Peace Aunt Lori. I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. Still haven’t processed you being gone but tomorrow I will go to our old spot and maybe we can be together once more.
I miss talking to you...I miss your laugh. It was a loud deep laugh...from the heart. I miss you calling me "Rel"..did you know my whole name lol? I loved playing cards with you, visiting that ghost town...talking about cemeteries. You always telling me to do what I would like to do...not what others wanted me to do. I miss you.