Hey, Kathy!
Do they have backgammon and cribbage boards up in heaven? If not, would it be okay with you and the management, when my time comes, for me to pop up for a visit from time to time? I'd call/telephone ahead--but we could get by with some string and some empty soup cans...except the string would burn on my end; maybe if I climbed up a mountain or set a bush on fire [should be a cinch, a piece of cake on my end] I could get a direct high speed channel. I don't mean to go over your head and/or break any protocols [do they use that HTTP thingie up there on your end of things?] and not just do the pop-in thing, unannounced. Provided I can get a weekend pass. Btw, how's the food up there? I heard it's mostly just wine made from water and that they serve these little, round, thin, unleavened bread wafer crackers. Seems kinda skimpy to me, I mean, if you were to ask me. Just sayin'. Do they put out any dairy such as cheese, at least? Oh, yeah. Jewish origin of Jesus and Arab origin for Muslims. Are Sundays still a holy day of oblongation [sp? ww?]. Oh, and which URL and homepage address do I use? Is this one working?
When I get down there, I will work things from my end, mmkay? Hopefully I'll get off with a light sentence to purgatory--they will need to scorch and purify my soul or some such (lot of wear and tear, it's rather black and the rest is mostly some shade of gray) and I'm hoping to get a lenient sentence, say 5-10 millennia, that's what my attorney says . His name is something weird like Beelzebub -- sounds kinda middle eastern, Overseer, Order of the Fly -- Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, Latin or Arabic, doesn't it? (Oh, and did Judas ever get out? Ya know, if he's done his time [I'm sure we're measuring in units of Ages {plural} of the Universe in our time zone down here].)
Or, now be frank, is it just that they don't take my kind up there? I mean, if I've served my sentence with time off from time to time for good behavior, don't they hand you a weekend furlough every now and then? Cinderella Liberty? Conjugal visits? No? Ya know, home by midnight, no kissing on the first date, keep your hands to yourself, your eyes on the road and keep those hands upon the wheel. Also, in the first place, do you even know if they grant conjugal visits? I'd need a couple dozen of those passes right off the mark fer sure (you know, they are not just all for one woman.) Actually, I've grown rather suspicious of my lawyer's counsel. Once he wanted me to jump off a cliff! So mebbe put in a good word for me with the bigwigs, mmkay? I mean, it was harsh in that desert. Forty days and 40 nights! With no rucksack, no tent, scarce water and meagre food (that insect dung was rather good, actually, but I just ate the locusts as I needed the protein) and I was wearing Birkenstock sandals! Without socks! It got cold at night but the big guy would set fire to a bush for me on cold evenings every now and then.
--Just askin'. Never hurts to ask, amiright?
Btw, I hope you consider the all trouble I will be going through. I mean, I've prolly just added a couple of eternities to my sentence for filling out this email/online form alone. Have you read the comments section here, below? Peeps are a'sayin some very nice things about you. How did you arouse so much love in folks? After all, you are my favorite younger sister. Oh, and how's the Internet up there? Do you have cable and WiFi or is it all satellite coverage or are they still using copper wire and smoke signals? It's okay if they don't. I mean, it's not like we won't have the time. Oh, and could you hustle up some (cold, please!) beer or iced lemonade? To be hone? That'd be just great and it would go well with the crackers. I'm in it more for the ice than anything else. Do they have DQ soft serv? I could make a wine float! I hear they have roasted fatted calf but no pork chops nor BBQ pork spare ribs. Down here, all we eat are grilled/charcoaled meats. It's like going to Old Country Buffet or Golden Corral and all they serve at the buffet is roasted meats (again, no Schweinefleisch, google it here (you do have Copy & Pasta, right?):
https://www.google.com/search…
Be well, do good work and keep in touch. Remember, we're down here pulling for you. I'll check in with you everyday as I have been. Make sure they are treating you right. There's more but I don't wanna bore folks; this is a public forum, after all. I'll try to stick to thinking my thoughts about you every day and night at prayer times. In my head, silently, d'accord? Kk? I think Jesus and Mary can help you if you are having reception difficulties, they're kinda like Santa🎅:
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
Oh, and may God bless.
All the best!
/s/ Tom Schlosser
"I eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm thirsty and sleep when I'm tired. Some think me a fool, wisemen understand" --A Zen Master