Memories of Karen McQuillen

In memory of

Karen McQuillen

Hazlet, NJ

July 23, 1955 - August 31, 2019

Jul 23, 1955 - Aug 31, 2019

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John Mack

Karen’s life was based on a true story. You know those kind shows or movies where they HAVE to tell you that because maybe you wouldn’t believe it? The thing is, most of the stories around Karen WERE mostly true...
When Karen re-told these stories - - where she went with who, what happened, how hard they partied, what mini-disasters happened, and most importantly, how much FUN they had - - Maybe the time and place and participants were combined or mixed up and maybe dramatized a little bit, but you knew these adventures were mostly true because you can clearly picture it happening to Karen - - so, it’s “based on a true story”.
Writing one of these for a sibling is difficult - - it’s a different kind of grief - - it’s like a little part of you is gone too, because when your sister is only 16 months older than you, you are so close in age that you share a fierce kind of closeness, especially in those first 6 years before Ray came along.
I really don’t remember fighting with her that much when we were young – we stuck together and consoled each other when my mom or dad went at us or when they went at each other. She was my protector and co-conspirator. She was my audience and I was her audience - - we would try to get each other to laugh while drinking milk so they spit milk out through their nose, we discovered we could talk to each at night when the house was dark and quiet through the heating vents - - brother and sister is a unique relationship, so it figures that I am finding it to be a unique kind of grief and loss.
A few years after Ray came along, I had a new audience because I shared a small bedroom with him, and I loved playing with him and making him laugh and forging that brother to brother relationship. We grew up on a block with a bunch of friends, so I started hanging out with them and becoming obsessed with sports. When I was 12, I was thrilled when the Mets, Jets, and Knicks won championships, while Karen was discovering boys and the Hippies when she started high school.
She was a true OG when it comes to that hippie culture, and to say my Dad wasn’t thrilled is a severe understatement. She had a curfew of 10 or 11 where she had to sneak in past my Dad sleeping on the couch, or, if she got home a few minutes early, she would literally not go in until a minute before the deadline just to bust his balls.
Also, my Dad and I couldn’t understand why she would raid the refrigerator when she got home, until she explained to me what the munchies were and how you got them.
As fraught as Karen’s relationship could be with my Dad, my Mom would really defend Karen when she could, and my Dad would say that my Mom was too concerned with being Karen’s friend than her mother, but Karen could always talk to my mother about ANYTHING without any immediate overreaction or repercussions, and that’s a priceless thing.
Being so close in age to us, Uncle Bob was also always a big part of our lives. I recently asked Karen where she got her love of music from and she immediately said “Uncle Bob”. In his own way, UB always looked after her, and we always thought of UB as OB - - as in Other Brother.
Karen always had “another family” – her circle of incredibly loyal friends like Margaret, Chris, and Judy. Friends that are like family love each other like family, but can also fight like family - - with no punches pulled, but also without breaking that core bond of love.
Karen was no saint – she could say or do something that could be incredibly exasperating (or infuriating) and then give you that “who me?” when called out on it.
And, did she always manage her relationships well? No. But we can all do a little better with that. So cherish and nurture your relationships with your friends and your family, and especially with your siblings.
I would also like to give special thanks to friends and family who helped and supported her over these past 5 difficult years with rides to doctor appointments, taking her out, and to especially to my brother Ray and his family who opened their home to her for 2 years while she recovered from surgery.
For someone that lived an unstable life in many ways, in many different places, and with many different boyfriends, she had very few regrets and she was always ready for the next good time. 16 year old Karen was pretty much like 64 year old Karen.
And for somehow who never had much money, I could rarely name a restaurant she hadn’t tried and she managed to get to many more concerts than I ever saw, including the Alice Cooper and Santana shows just a few weeks ago - - just to prove to herself that wasn’t ready to give up the difficult fight that she bravely fought over the past 5 years.
So let’s remember Karen for that big smile, those bright eyes, and her sing-songy voice she would always greet you with, that made you happy to see her.
To quote her favorite band Led Zeppelin:

Had a friend, she once told me
"You got love, you ain't lonely"
Now she's gone and left me only, looking for what I knew
I'm telling you now
The greatest thing you ever can do
Is trade a smile with someone who's blue

So no more suffering - - Rest in Peace my big sister Ka-gee-boo
Your little brother
Johnny Boy

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