Dear Deana,

It's February 7th its been a year today since you passed I wont lie its been a hard year for me. I've read and listened to words from people who are thought wise I've searched the world to find the words to make it right. I'm not supposed to own your death, I'm supposed to let you go and move on but memories, your ashes and my grief are what I have at the moment so right or wrong I'm not ready to move on, not yet maybe not ever, the truth is I don't know how to let you go. How can the experts know about this love in my heart? It belonged to you and I, they couldn't possibly know or understand and for them to assume and advise me even with the best of intentions is disingenuous. My memories of the good, the bad, our youth and your last days are etched in my mind forever and I hold them tightly to me, I remember everything and it comforts me.

My life before you or rather before God put you in my path are fleeting and I've never needed more than you since we became us, you were the color in my life and heart our life together was a home no matter where we were. I'm not supposed to own your death those words would seem like wisdom but WE owned our life together and I shared your life and your death. I held your hand and told you I love you over and over until the light went out of your eyes and you struggled with your last breath. How can I forget that? Why would I want to forget that? I will never forget.

I try not to be angry I try not to ask God why he took you from my life I try to remember the real question should be why did he put you in my life? Joyful I am that he did and how I was blessed with your light for more than forty years that's a blessing I want to remain thankful for. You were my purpose and in losing you I've lost my way, I would give anything for just one more minute with you here. 

I remember meeting you for the first time at Doug's apartment in Knob Noster and my clumsy lines "what's your favorite song maybe we can play it" I played you some Van Halen! Now all it takes is a song on the radio and there you are next to me you come back that easy. I remember Macaroni pizza in our town house in Holland and I laugh, I still tell you I love you every night. When I get really down I look at the pictures of you on the wall and I am awestruck at just how blessed I was for all those years you were so beautiful inside and out so much better than I deserve. Eventually I get to where I remember in spite of my many flaws that you perused me and chose to love me and so I have worth.

Where you've gone I cannot follow but I feel you on the other side of the door, a door I can't see yet its not my time. I know that I will see you again because I know that love doesn't care about time and that love doesn't end when we die we get to take that with us. I catch glimpses of you from time to time peeking around the corners at me making sure I'm being good. I still remember what it felt like to hold you, I remember the smell of your hair, I can trace the lines of your face and miss smile that could fix anything. It feels like you were here yesterday and sometimes it feels like you've been gone for an eternity and both can make me weep. 

I know your death was not of my making and I Know I did my level best to take care of you as I promised you I would on that first night we found out you were ill. I am grateful beyond measure that god gave me the strength to take care of you if I had broken faith with you and put you in a facility to pass it would have cost me my soul. I regret that I didn't record more of your voice, I miss your laughter, I miss singing to you I miss you in my life. I wish I had told you more often how pretty, smart and funny you were, truly I wish we had had more time to be together here. One day I will find that door and I will happily walk through to you when that day comes, until then I will continue to love you.

The best wisdom I found was this quote from Jaime Anderson:

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go"

I miss you, I love you.

Paul