Since my husband passed a year ago this December 23rd and on our daughter's birthday, living has been overwhelming in many ways. I'm 75 years old, and for the first time, I am on my own. Events leading up to his passing, making arrangements, and expensive maintenance around the house (the furnace had to be replaced two weeks after he passed), at times I just wondered how on earth I could handle all this. I live on modest means, so it was a worry.
And the guilt, knowing I could have more for my husband prior to him getting so sick. I knew he was failing, but I never realized how badly he really was. There are no do-overs in life. I wish there were. This Christmas is going to be hard....life is hard! I have my faith which I tap into frequently, and his sister and her husband are born again Christians, so I reach out to them. And my own sister has been a God send.
When doubt and guilt creep into my psyche, I practice gratitude, and there is a lot of that. Thank you for this opportunity to vent.
Surreal
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 26, 2022, 4:19 a.m. PDT
I can so relate to your story of great loss. I also had all the fears of economic insecurity that welled up for me when I lost of my spouse. In one week it will be the one year anniversary of my wife's death. We were together for forty-five years. Her birthday on 12/10 is also just around the corner. Should I mention as you did that the Major Holidays are also right around the corner. I am NOT looking forward to the forlorn heartache. I was hoping by now I would be so much more healed. Alas, I am learning there will always be a hole in my soul even as life does go on. As I approach my 80th birthday in April my wife's passing has also stirred me to more fully recognize my own eventual mortality. I also can also claim some of the guilt of the type that you have experienced. As I start to have larger and larger intervals of gratitude for all the many ways she showed me her love, I do feel guilty that somehow I should/could have given her so much more. Although towards the end it was no secret she would be leaving me , there was a large part of my brain that was in denial of that reality. I am slowly coming to understand/believe that my brain was protecting me from the overwhelming horrible magnitude of my loss. This last year has been so difficult as you have eloquently described of your own experiences. I am so glad to hear you have your faith and extended family for support. I am not a Christian but I do believe in a grand organizing, powerful force that created the universe. I want you to know that you are not alone in your grief and that you and I will never be the same. Although we will never be the same we are both going to be okay. Thank you for putting into words the horrendous experiences we humans go through at the loss of a love. I powerfully connect with your experiences of loss and grief. And now it is my turn to thank you for giving me the opportunity to put into words and have heard my deep sorrow. I
DO hope I have shared enough hope. My sisters, who I love and mean well, keep sending me cartoons to try lift my spirits. Somehow it does not fit well for me. I do not know if you have had that experience on your journey. So anyway, I do not know you but love you for sharing your profound and intimate feelings. THANK YOU - Paul
