Written and shared by Daniel Fagan:
I am Dan Fagan, Joe's son. Our family wishes to thank all of you for attending this celebration of a well-lived life. So many people came from far away, and we are grateful to see you here. I wish I could have lived my life in the same wonderful way as my father. He was a true original, making life work through hard work and vision. It was not easy, and he had many twists and turns that presented challenges that many people would have found unmanageable. But his partner in all things was my mother, Eileen Fagan, the former Eileen Murphy.
Dad met my mother at an Irish Fesh where she was selling chances. My dad's Aunt Martha was there with her date; the date offered to buy all of Mom's raffle tickets if she would agree to write to a sailor who had come with them. Of course, the sailor was my father. Mom and Dad spent the evening at a pub where people were buying the uniformed sailor drinks, and Dad even proposed. but Mom didn't answer him that night, she knew Alcohol was involved. He was then deployed to Iceland for a year. Upon return, the courtship continued until she agreed to marry him. My mother was no pushover, and he proved his love and worthiness.
It is easy to see the net results of a life while looking back. It is not so easy to plan a life looking forward.
He made his best decision when he proposed to my mother. He was a lowly enlisted man, flying as a radio operator on a propeller-driven anti-submarine plane. They got married in 1957, and I was born ten months later. I was probably a honeymoon baby. He was laid off from a defense company. He had to support his wife and new baby, so he re-enlisted in the Navy. They moved for the next few years, and he started to get noticed as a great sailor, earning promotions and opportunities. In short order, Mom and Dad had four kids to feed. We are only five years apart. (their version of Quadruplets). My sisters were all born in the Philadelphia area as he was developing his skills for the Navy. To help with finances, he worked part-time as a TV repairman. He even had his TV repair toolbox until just a few years ago, with assorted vacuum tubes and resistors. But it was a challenge to support the family.
My mother did what she could to help while caring for young children. She sold Beeline Fashions at home parties, sewed clothes for us kids, and ensured our home was a wonderful place for our family. Dad was busy at work when my oldest Sister, Denise, was born. A short time later, He was sent to a new assignment in Memphis. He was enrolled in one of the first Navy Specialties for operating the first computer system used in maintenance. My Mom was pregnant and stayed in Pennsylvania for the birth of my sister Eileen. We then flew (our first time on a plane) into Memphis. It was the first time Dad had seen my sister Eileen. A year later, we returned to Pennsylvania, and my sister Laurie was born. Dad was promoted and told to move to Southern California. Mom and Dad drove all of us across the country, and we even encountered a true sandstorm upon entering California. My dad was in a hurry and drove through the storm. It ruined our windshield and damaged the paint. But he made good time. It was the beginning of car stories that ran for many years.
We settled in Buena Park (just 95 miles north of San Diego). Just down the road from Knotts Berry Farm and Disneyland. The Vietnam War was starting to get big, and Dad was transferred to San Diego, and they never left. Even the move was stressful, in the first few years we moved five times. Adjusting to waiting lists for family housing and then his promotion to Warrant Officer resulted in moving to new Navy housing. Kearney Mesa, Pacific Beach, and Mira Mesa were all home before Mom and Dad moved to Poway.
During this whole time, my mother and father did what they could to earn enough to support our family. My mother managed the rental properties and worked as a secretary while starting to invest in rental houses, real estate, and any other way to make or save money. She partnered with my dad to make the family work and provide a great life for all us kids.
My dad was focused on his career. He was deployed to Vietnam twice (getting his photograph on the front page of the New York Times), and was gone numerous times. He was one of the first people in the Navy to use computers for efficient maintenance. That was back when punch cards were used. We kids thought those cards were the greatest for crafting items or paper airplanes. My father was supported by my mom, and they were a true partnership. My mother was the disciplined business operator, and my father was the fix-it man.
My mother remembers him telling her about his conversation with other squadron members. While preparing for deployment, some of the guys complained about how much money their wives spent while deployed. Dad said, “You think that's bad; my wife buys houses while I'm gone.”
After the Navy, Dad used his GI Bill to earn a bachelor's Degree from National University. He went to work in the Defense Industry and earned his master’s degree while working. He worked for General Dynamics for a long time before retiring for the second time. Mom retired as well, and they began to travel and visit with friends and family. Dad was fearless driving the motorhome or dragging a trailer, but he did demolish two of my mailboxes. They enjoyed the RV group SMART and all the friends who made the events so fun.
We remember some of our greatest moments with snapshots of our past.
Some highlights for me were:
I have this baseball glove my father gave me when returning from a 10-month deployment in 1967. He would play catch and try to help me improve in Little League; He was an assistant coach for one season. I still cherish this old glove; it brings many memories of great times with Dad. He brought dolls and toys for all of us. We were always glad to have a homecoming...it almost always resulted in new playthings.
Me and My Sisters
Dad would make sure we had a connection with our Grandparents. My dad's parents' home was tiny but so cool for a kid. It even had an old-fashioned telephone in the basement. True to our Irish heritage, there was a full bar in the basement with an upright piano. My grumpy Grandfather would frequently brag about how proud he was that my dad would never use profanity. My Dad hid his sailor vocabulary while at home. My Dad's grandmother (everyone called her Molly) was the life of any party. She would play piano, sing, act silly, and always have a funny story. In many ways, my father carried on that warm behavior. My Dad and Mother made sure we visited Niagra Falls and walked us through the "Cave of Winds." It was like that for us; many self-made vacations are still locked in my happy memories.
Mom and Dad took us to visit my mom’s parents near the beach in New Jersey too. We were met by our Irish Grandparents. We thought they spoke a foreign language and heard my mother's speech change with a hint of an Irish Brogue. My mom's dad was a man of few words, but in his quiet way, he enjoyed us making a mess. Grandma Murphy loved playing poker with us and gave us money to bet. She loved to gamble, and my parents eventually took her to Las Vegas. She beat the house and was thrilled to leave Vegas with several hundred dollars in winnings. When they got home, My Grandmother went upstairs to take a nap. She never woke up. It was our first experience with death. My dad gathered us and explained that it was sad, yet she died peacefully and with Vegas winnings. It was a time to rejoice and celebrate her life. My mother and father handled the sad event stoically but very sensitively, allowing us to smile and be happy for her. In that sense, we are here today to celebrate Dad’s life and remember the good times, fun times, and the times when he touched us. We look forward to sharing these stories later with everyone.
Mom and Dad worked hard to help us kids. They did not have much money when we were young, but we went to the mountains, beaches, national parks, state parks, and events that were so memorable that each of us could remember the wonderful times on these budget but awesome vacations or getaways. Some of our happy memories are:
• Rides on a sidewheel riverboat on the Mississippi River while we lived in Memphis
• Driving cross country with the whole family in two days to visit our East Coast families
• Camping in tents and visiting great places as a family
• Dad lost his wallet while helping on a Boy Scout raft trip. Not a big deal now, but then, it was before debit cards or credit cards were widely used.
• He was my best man at my wedding and did not get mad when I wrecked his car on the way to the rehearsal dinner
• Taking us out on his boat. My mother was the one who taught us to waterski. She retired from waterskiing when we all had mastered getting up on skis. He was really in his happy place when he was surrounded by family on the water.
• Visiting our colleges to support our dreams of a higher education
• He helped my mother care for her sister. My Aunt Peg became sick, and my dad and Mom took her to Ireland and Europe. They cared for her most lovingly, enabling my children to enjoy knowing our Aunt Peg. Shortly after her death we had a big thunderstorm, and my daughter said it was god moving furniture to allow Peg into heaven.
Grand Kids and Great Grand Kids
We have an extended family with many grandkids and a tassel of great-grandchildren. Many of their memories have a special place in our family. My Daughters Erin, Kelly, and Marie remember many special times with Dad. I remember when my triplet daughters were just a few weeks old, and Mom and Dad drove over 700 difficult miles to meet their newest Grandkids. My mom spent her time giving us tips on making things work with infants while my dad built shelves and storage space. They even gave us time to get out of the house. When we got home, the girls were all bathed and dressed, and everything was perfect. We noticed that they had cut the hospital bands off of their wrists. Mom and Dad seemed to think we could tell the difference between Marie and Kelly.
• Breanne remembers Dad was always trying to scare or prank the kids. His lead-footed driving, RV camping, beach visits, playing washboards or cornhole, and dad being able to fix almost anything. She recalled Dad eating big turkey legs at Thanksgiving.
• My girls recall how calm he remained calm when we were on a houseboat in a raging storm on Lake Powell. Waves were washing over the front of the houseboat, and the wind was howling. The girls were scared, crying, and fearful of sinking. They recall him calmly steering the houseboat even after another houseboat had a towed ski boat fly into the air and land upside down.
• Dad was also remembered for his laughter and concern as he tried to calm my daughters during a lightning storm while on the water at Big Bear Lake. They were terrified as they had just watched a show that described the deaths of a family while in a boat during a thunderstorm.
• All of the girls claim he gave the best hugs. They remember him driving everywhere on trips with one hand on the steering wheel while sipping coffee from the mug in his other hand.
• The big family cruise celebrating Mom and Dad's 50th anniversary was a very special time. We shared our time with the whole family and celebrated their 50 years together.
• Brittney recalls Dad's remarkable recovery from a devasting stroke three years ago. We were told this was his final days; he received his last rights, but once the entire family arrived, he made a remarkable recovery. The power of a loving family cannot be underestimated.
• He could wear you out playing Bocci Ball, Bean Bag Toss, or just walking around the neighborhood. He made sure we got the mail by checking many times each day. He was very active until the last several months. Much like his life, he needed to be in motion.
The Last Few Months
Just a few weeks ago, I was sitting with my dad, trying to figure out what he was attempting to do. He was energetic, mumbling fast, and I kept asking him to say things in an attempt to understand him. His response was classic. He mumbled again, and the word "jackass" was clear as day. He then said that's "a load of crap." He could recall curse words when everything else was so hard for him. So, he had a sailor's vocabulary to his final days.
Wrap-Up
I want to thank my sisters for their loving and generous help caring for my father and Mother. My baby sister (I enjoy calling her the baby sister), Laurie Haeger, has been the rock of the family, caring for them, helping to organize medical care, keeping their finances straight, and caring for my parents for many years. Her ability to care for our parents while supporting her family has been incredible. My sister, Denise, lived with my parents for many years and helped with the day-to-day chores and caring for my father as he grew less able. Her hard work and care showed her devotion and love. Our sister from New York, Eileen, has been such a help since Dad’s death by helping Mom and Laurie. She has been away from her family for a long time, and we just wanted to thank her again.
My final words are for my mother. She is a shining example of a strong woman who works hard to support her family. My mother has been the backbone and driving energy in building a comfortable life for our family. She did everything she could to support our family. I remember her selling clothes and Tupperware at home parties. A burglar assaulted her, and then she took karate lessons. She wanted to be prepared. She took me aside occasionally and tried to show me those karate moves. As she grew the real estate investments, she frequently sued the people who damaged a rental or collected rent in small claims court. She even took the Padres to court over non-payment of rent by a Padre Baseball Player, Al Ferrara. He was a big deal with the San Diego Padres. She would not be denied.
Over the years, Mom has shown us her spirit of life as a cancer survivor (many times), joint replacements, dental work, broken bones, and just the pain of growing old. She seldom complains, and she rarely takes any pain medicine. She has proven to all of us that she can handle anything. My mother has inspired our family even in the past few weeks. She is sad but sure my father is in a better place. As she frequently tells me, "Getting old is not for sissies."
Final Words
My niece, Brittney Flowers, had a letter she read to my father the night before he passed away. Her words may have been very personal, but they capture our hearts, and I will read them as my final words today:
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Grandpa,
It's Brittney, I'm here. I am writing this letter after being told today by your hospice nurse that this is the end of life. How can that be? How can I put into words what you have been, what you are to me? When I think of the end of your life, I have mixed emotions.
The end of your suffering brings me peace. The end of having the only man on earth who has consistently loved and protected me is terrifying.
I call you Grandpa, but you are also the only father that I've ever known. I want you to know how deeply grateful I am that you took that role in my life. Thank you for all the life lessons that you've taught me (I promise I was listening). Thank you for giving me space to make mistakes (some of them repeatedly), and being there in my corner just in case. Always encouraging me to learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward is something I'm not sure what to do without right now.
I have my favorite picture of the two of us right here as I'm writing this to you. I'm under a year old, and you have me on your shoulders. Safe. Grandpa's got me. I wasn't always safe in this world, but I was always safe with you. Thank you. I want nothing more than to return that to you today.
I want you to feel safe to make this transition when you're ready. To feel nothing but all the love that you've given being poured back onto you.
I don't know what happens when you are not here anymore, but I have to believe that the feeling of love and protection won't stop.
So, if you don't mind. … please don't stop watching over me and guiding me in the right direction. I promise never to stop talking to you and looking for that guidance. Lastly (for now), I hope that I have made you proud and that you feel the
deep love that I have for you.
I love you, Grandpa,
Brittney
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Thank you, everyone, for celebrating my father's life with us.
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