Marjorie June Longstaff was my (Ana) dearly beloved mother, who gave birth to four children:

John Eades - married Janice - two children: Jessica and Matthew

Christopher Eades - partner Angela - two children from a previous marriage: James and Bethan

Ana  Eades - single mother - one child Miles and three grandchildren: Arkaya, Jeremiah-John and Deangelo.

Lynn Eades - married Keith - two children: Alex and Daisy

Marjorie was brought-up in Bath with her parents: Charlie and Mary.  They were a seemingly happy couple.  There were problems and estrangement in the family even then, and of course, those pesky secrets, you were never allowed to ask about.  Marjorie had a life-long respect and attachment to her father.  He was a talented and gifted artist like Marjorie; both of them would have loved to have had careers in the Arts.  

Without a single doubt, it has to be said Marjorie was exceptionally talented in whatever she set her mind to.  

Her siblings were:

Janet Calvin - two sons: Anthony and Philip (Marjorie's nephews)

Sandra Calvin - daughter Karen (Marjorie's niece)

John Calvin - daughter Sian and son Jack (Marjorie's niece and nephew)

During the war part of her life was spent in Whitehaven, Cumbria with relatives of her father.  It was her wish to continue living there.  Unfortunately, her sister Janet wanted to to go back to Bath to live, so she was not allowed to grow- up without her siblings in Cumbria (this was the version, I was given).

Would her life been any better in Cumbria?  It is where, she felt she belonged.  

Sadly, she ended up being a part of a dysfunctional family.   The one, I was brought-up in.   Could it have all been different with a different husband?  Who knows?  In this family it is clearly evident from childhood. that there are some concerning personality genes in the mix.  I got passed down the psoriasis gene.  Big thanks to Nan for that one, she suffered with it throughout her life.  

Over the years, relatives rarely contacted Marjorie.  She did reach out with cards on special occasions, and a £10 cheque in birthday cards.  She would often say, how surprised she was never to get a thank-you card or a phone call.   It was probably a case of a lack of manners and a total disregard for her feelings; silent estrangement.   It hurt her greatly.

There was far too much hurt in her life to bear.   Her faith pulled her through.   Apart from being a regular church goer, she regularly attended a meditation group: World Community of Christian Meditation.  She always encouraged me to have faith, which I lost for many years in scientific studies, yet I returned to it thanks to her.

My poor mother had parental alienation due to her ex-husband Brian Eades. who had lifelong challenging behaviours, which made him unsafe to be around most of the time.   My mother was bullied by him (as were most of us kids).   He tried his best to be a loving, kind and caring husband and father; it would be a lie to say that he was..  He estranged my siblings bit by bit during his third marriage.   I had said my goodbyes to him in person, before he got married.  I bore him no malice.  I was elated for him to find happiness, but I was full of trepidation for his new family.  He was, who he was, life had been difficult for him too.  He went Deaf from the age of five years old due to Meningitis.   He had some mainly troubled life-long friends from his boarding school,  I met others from his school over the years, who were well-balanced with successful careers and loving families.  They had always kept a safe distance from him at school.  They all said, Dad was an honest chap, who did not hold back saying the truth.  He wasn't physically aggressive or a bully.

Regardless of peaceful preludes, it was a terrifying experience for most of us living under the same roof as Brian.   His constant challenging behaviour and his brutality to Mum resulted in a life threatening injury for Marjorie.  After, she was released from hospital, she had the good sense never to see Brian again by herself.  She eventually got married to the second love of her life, whom she had been dating for a couple of years, whilst being married to Brian.  It was an open-secret for us kids.  It never helped the turbulent atmosphere at home.  He was married too at the time, and a lot younger than Marjorie.

After Marjorie left, my siblings and I were uncared-for and unnoticed.  We should have been taken into foster care or put under child protection orders.  Unbelievably, we were left to fend for ourselves with a Dad, that we should not have been left with; it was a complete mess; a tragic mess for us all.  He really did try his best.  In fact, he ended-up being a nicer chilled out Dad without Mum around.  Still a frightening experience though to be in the family without Mum's protection.

Mum must have endured enormous emotional pain being estranged from us kids.   She had to save her life at long last.  It must have been one of the worst periods and the hardest decision for her to make.  For us kids, it was like a cruel twisted plot in a story, just when you think the characters are near the home run to adulthood and freedom, they are again given a crushing blow, which is bestowed on them.  As, her mother-in-law said to the rector from the Deaf club, when my father asked me, who did I want to live with: "The poor child is between a rock and a hard place."  There were no flies on Granny Eades.   She was a smart cookie.

It is true to say, discombobulated Mum was overwhelmed with us and Brian.  We were all too young and selfish to understand or support her.  Our adolescence was just starting.   Her untreated past trauma culminated in a suicide attempt after her second husband left her for another woman.  It was only then did she get some therapy for her feelings; she badly needed it.   Unfortunately, the therapy only helped a little.  She was not able to be receptive to most of it due to her complex personality traits.

Her passing was expected and quite quick.  The illness had wasted away her body.   Her last months were sad, but they were not painful.  Death took her before her body and mind went by themselves.  Her last partner was not around during her last couple of months.  He was a wonderful man, who loved her dearly.  The rupture was due to Marjorie saying a 'porky pie!'  Marjorie did not like pork, but she loved pies.  

Unfortunately, one of her personality traits did derive a perverse pleasure in manipulating, lying and emotionally hurting others.  It is the main cause, that irritated the hell out of others and why people ostracised her.  I used to snap her out of that personality trait quite quickly.  I have seen it in others in the family.  About ten years before Mum passed away, I became aware, that she was aware of the personality disorder running through the family gene pool.   It was after a few glasses of fine wine brought back from France, that she accidently told me.  To my utter amazement, she lambasted me for not having the personality disorder, which she thought was a personality asset.   I told her it was a blessing, I did not have it.   She then told me the psoriasis gene is a really awful one to have, it makes people ugly.  At that point, I stopped pouring the wine for her.  Fortunately, Dad always encouraged me not to be bullied.  Ironically, I fought him all the way.

Like a whirlwind, Marjorie embraced life with all her life-force.  How, she had the energy to be: a super-mum; work p/time; painted oil paintings on Sundays; have an active social life with four kids in tow; organise after school clubs for us kids; be an amazing gardener (of course) the list is long, so I will end by saying, she would not have been out of place as an officer in Boudica's army.   Bravo Mum!

Over the years, she told people many times, she was so exhausted and busy bringing up her young family.  She had no time to explore maternal feelings with us.  Although, she asked her mother to help her many times, her mother refused.  I never knew why, her mother never helped her.  Maybe, she was too stretched with her own time.  Poor Marjorie just had to keep going and going and going.  She loved all her kids, grand-children, great-grand-children, nieces and nephews and so on.  The immediate family and relatives were  in name only for Marjorie.  It was a broken model.  Even so, she had a lot of respect for her brother's wife, Debbie, whom she thought was an exceptionally good mother and decent person.   Three cheers for Debbie!

It has to be said, Marjorie you deserved a medal for all your many pursuits in place of a top career, which you would have thrived in.  You were born before your time, when those with means had chances and those without did not.   

Finally,  you needed several pairs of hands to help you bring up, a young family, when you were a teenage bride.  Auspiciously, you had charming relationships with delightful, charismatic and gentle men after you drove off the bumpy track and changed your type of vehicle.  You loved them all, but most of all you loved your family, but you couldn't put it back together again, as in reality the family was complex too; as families are most of the time.  Unfortunately, there are those in the family, who thought you were not interested in them, or that you did not love them.  They were so wrong to think that way.  I felt your pain.  It was the saddest thing I saw in you.  Thank goodness you always had: a great sense of humour, plenty of super  friends: some lovely men in your life;  your faith and a fantastic zest for life.  What a journey you have had to all the places you have visited around the world.   Eventually, you slowed down, and you wanted what you should have had all your adult life: a close caring loving family.   Pitifully sad to say, that ship had sailed away a long time ago.

God bless you Mum!  Thanks to you, I am alive, honest and balanced.  You were always so kind, thoughtful and protective to me.  Although, Dad did manage to smash my skull against a bedroom wall, when I was five.   You were so terrified, you told me not to cry or complain, as blood dripped down my face.  What a bl++dy shock that was for me.   Next shock was finding fireworks (jumping jacks) attached to my ankle by string at about the same age.  Fair to say, you told me he hated me; I wasn't the only one he hated. as you know there were others in the family.   I made sure to keep away from him as much as possible, when you left.  Thanks to friends' parents taking turns with me.

As a useful thing for a daughter of yours to be, I became a psychologist amongst other professions;  I had a head-start in my psychological studies growing-up.  From my case-studies, I learnt that a constant amount of lying and manipulating points to full blown personality disorders or traits of them; I knew that intuitively growing-up as your daughter.   It can warp the mind of others, by them not being able to say the truth. challenge manipulative behaviours or lies.  It is time on this time-line obituary to have some truth and balance about these serious problems, as I am sure that gene will keep popping up and down on the Family Tree like on a bumpy road.  

You suffered an enormous amount Mum, yet you kept picking yourself up and dusting yourself down.   God bless you Mum!   This obituary is a belated present to you and to any relatives in the future, who may be wondering, what the hell was really going on in  Marjorie's head, her life and her family.  Pesky secrets are toxic.  Constantly re-inventing false narratives to conceal them can become a family trait, which is passed down.  No one appreciates lies or learns from them.   Everyone deserves to know the truth about their ancestors.  I hope this fills a gap.  You were a shining beacon of light to many people.   Despite a life-time of mainly sorrow and disappointment due to your family relations, you rose like a Phoenix out of the ashes of misery.  As Maya Angelou said:  'And still I rise'.    You rose up each and every time after one of your stalwart loves of your life passed away.

Remember: 

1.  Truth costs nothing, yet it is worth far more than lies.

2.  Constantly manipulating, lying and disrespecting others is common, yet it is unhealthy.

3.  Don't take the abnormal for the normal, that is the demise of this family.

4.  If you can't ask a honest question or talk about unpleasant behaviour without being put down or manipulated into keeping quiet, you need to get in a safe place and into a safe relationship, regardless, if it is a family member bullying you or a stranger bullying you.  Everybody needs to learn how to protect themselves and others.

MARJORIE'S TEN RULES FOR A LONG LIFE

1. Listen to your body and understand its needs, both physical and emotional.
2. Live in the present - don't worry about the future, or hold on to the past.
3. Take time to meditate and silence your internal dialogue.
4. Stop looking for approval from other people - you are the only judge that matters.
5. Learn to deal with anger.
6. Accept that you create your own world - the world out there is all a projection of your inner world.
7. Don't judge!
8. Don't contaminate your body with toxins - either through food, drink or negative emotions.
9. Forget old hurts.  Replace fear motivated behaviour with love motivated behaviour.
10. Live in balance with the world.  Accept you are linked to all creation.

History has many lessons to teach the present and those to come.  Here is a snippet from the Eades family tree, of which, played a major part in Marjorie's life, due to her first marriage and four children.  Life takes many people over the edge:

RIP  John Eades  RIP

Born: 6th December, 1843 in Bath in 2 Bartletts Court, Widcombe , Bath.

Married:: 7th May, 1866 in Holy Trinity Parish, Bath.

Died: 5th August, 1883 in 9 Milk Street, Bath.  Suicide by swallowing poison during a period of temporary insanity.    Buried in Locksbrook,  St Swithin's, Walcot.