I don't know how to do this. I really don't know how to cope with the fact that my lifelong friend and 15-year partner is actually dead. But I digress...I'm hanging on by my fingernails mostly because estranged relatives, money hungry methamphetamine addicts from Stockton California somehow managed to swoop in at the last minute, remove me and essentially euthanize him. HEllooo? Does anyone know what a DNR is? The bonus is I just found out last week at 59 I have stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. HA! I thought I was just constipated.
I Have Become Uncomfortably Numb
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 23, 2022, 7:18 a.m. PST
Almost 30 years and suddenly Tena was taken by covid. I know what it feels like, the loss, the lostness. But I want to share what I have learned to do every morning; 1 decide if I am going to give in to the strong desire to join her in death. I am not talking about suicide, I am referring to giving up and shutting down, waiting for my eventual death in a state of virtual death. I can see how this would seem attractive to you with the double blow you have received; Having part of your soul torn away; and having a physical attack as well.
2 Decide if I am going to start a new chapter in my life or go on dragging on with this one. Understand that I am not saying put aside the memories and experiences, the feelings and the love that is still in my heart for her, no that isn't possible. I mean take it all with me in a new direction, because of my life with her - because she is still a part of me, I am a better person and should continue to make a better life to honor her. You are a better person because of your relationship with him, I assume those relatives couldn't get between you then, don't let them now, take what you have of him, the memories, the experiences, and most of all the love you still hold in your hear for him and move forward.
I have known many survivors of ovarian cancer, my mother in law was one of them. I have seen women who should have survived wage a long and losing battle. The difference? Bitterness. Yes those relatives did you both wrong, do not let them continue to hurt you! I don't know if you are familiar with the concept with forgiveness, but it is real. However you may not now or ever be able to forgive them, so this is what I suggest: Don't let your thought dwell on them or what they did, when you turn to say something to him and realize he's not there, talk to him anyway! Tell him what direction you want to take for the future, make it positive. Negativity is a death sentence, I have seen this proven our over my 60 years, please don't fall into it!
Your kind words have brought tears of hope to my eyes. I am so very sorry for your loss and equally as grateful for the practical coping skills much needed for me to get through the loss of Johnny Mirani without totally falling apart. Your karma is now intact for the rest of your days!