Free Grief Support - Coping With Loss | Ever Loved


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Going to get on here and talk to people so January 19th 2022 my fiance was 30 years old she lost her battle with gliomastoma, people don't know what that is it's the rarest most aggressive brain tumor and there's no cure it's not operable most of them live 10 to 18 months supposedly once we found out she had it she only lived for 4 months she was 5 months pregnant when she found out so I got a 9 month old son and a 14 month old son and they'll never know their mother but you better believe I'm going to let them know when they get older how wonderful their mother was and I'm going to show them videos and pictures and I miss her so much

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Bless you Brian;

I had no idea someone commented on here to me. I apologize, I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you. I literally just got 3 Emails from "Ever Loved" and one says I had a comment, the other was asking about giving some of her things away. Which is the hardest for me, I don't like letting anything of hers go. I have, I've given some of her clothing away instead of selling it like I do other things. Most of her stuff I still have and it all seems entirely too dear to my heart to let go. I get anxiety thinking about it. Ty for your comment I'm still going through bad bad times over her death. We were very much in love and I very much still am. I've been with one woman in 5 years and she's that woman. IDC about anyone else and I'm pretty positive I never will. She was the love of my life and we never saw this coming. Our plans were to be together until death do us part, but never did we know it meant a very short period of time. I didn't ever think I could , or would have children. Then she came along and we were strictly friends for about 3 months or a little longer. When we first met it was accidental I didn't even know she existed and I didn't know we were going to like each other from the beginning I would let her drive my Cadillac around LOL always got the feeling I could trust her and always get the feeling that she never really had the opportunity to have many vehicles and she appreciated every little thing and she made sure that I knew she was trustworthy from the start we clicked in a way I've never equipped with anyone from the beginning like I said we were strictly friends for a good 3 months or better she didn't try nothing on me and I didn't try nothing on her but the longer I hung out with her the more I liked her and I was like man she is a wonderful woman I've never met a woman like her in my life and I mean that I never have and I never will and if I ever did meet another woman and befriended her there's no way I could ever compare any woman for the rest of my life to Brit no way in heck. In my mind I believe there is no woman like her she was very special a very special person and definitely a very special person to me and I mean I can't say special enough times to let you know how special she was to me and I just know she was the once in a lifetime type of love that someone gets one time in their life and I was lucky enough to get that a lot of people don't even get it I don't believe because I never did I was almost 37 when I'm at her I'm 41 now I'll be 42 in a little over 6 months I don't know I can go all day long about her all I know is we ended up finally getting together because I don't want to say anything that sounds bad on here but one night I told her because she showed me a pair of shorts she never did work because first of all she didn't dress like in real tight skimpy stuff but I saw the shorts and I was like you don't need to be walking around and anything like that in front of me and I guess I'm a man so Nancy stuff like that sometimes they say stuff to women that maybe they just want to mess around with but I wasn't saying it like that I had truly did like her as a really good friend and we actually called each other besties and I believe that's what we were in the beginning and I love the fact that we didn't just jump right into anything we didn't even know it was going to happen but anyway she was at 5'3 125 130 sometimes 140 what I call thick and had a big booty LOL my big booty is what she had she was just my beautiful lady all the way around and we always tell each other what what we meant to one another and I know I'm never had a woman Love me The Way she Loved me she loved me unconditionally no matter what even sometimes I'm sure I didn't deserve her all her love and she gave it to me anyway because we were recovering drug addicts so sometimes I was a real a'' but not purposely sometimes she would probably just want to talk to me and I would snap at her for no good reason and then later on I would walk off to myself and maybe act like I'm working on one of the cars or something and I would start crying because I couldn't believe I did that and I would always apologize but she never deserved it she never deserved anything below my utmost respect and I did not always give her that but she always gave me hers no matter what she never got mad she never got angry with me if anything she would get upset but she never did yell at me I dwell on it a lot because I just wish I could have taken all of that back and I just wish that I wish I knew what was going to happen because then it sounds like well the only reason I was going to take it back is because I knew what was coming well that's not the case you realize a lot of things when something like this happens and I never knew that myself because I've never gone through anything is catastrophic is her loss and I also had a ex-girlfriend before her the one before her died too of type 1 diabetes at 30 years old Brit was 30 as well but the one before her did not touch me anything like Brit honestly I was already healed up a lot from the first one by the time 4 months rolled around if anything I'm worse off now than I was the day after the funeral. Okay I'll stop rambling but I just want to say a couple more things. So I never thought I could have children under because I never even had a scare before I was kind of mad because I didn't think I can have them and I wanted at least one especially a little boy so when we got together you know finally actually got together of course we were love πŸ•ŠοΈ and we were the whole journey even the bad times the good definitely outweigh the bag but anyway she told me from the beginning if I could have children it would be with her because she will probably definitely get pregnant LOL and I was like no I doubt it or I kind of just said it to myself I guess I'm asking no to her but truly didn't think I would have children but we were living in Lexington Kentucky home of the UK wildcat basketball team we got more championships than anyone I know that's irrelevant but we got eight championships. So anyway she ends up getting pregnant while we're living in Lexington of course she's a woman so she knew before she even told me but she said I think I'm pregnant and I knew she was late on her monthly deal because I knew about when it was around you when she was having it every man does but I never really paid that close attention in one day she said I think I'm pregnant and I got excited and she was too she already had a little girl and a boy herself, she went to the doctor sure enough she was pregnant so I'll fast forward a little we had a little boy November of 2020 and mind you that was one month before I turned 40 because my birthday is December 16th 1980 okay so we named him Brian "Zayn" Hicks we call him Zayn. So we're struggling a little bit when we were struggling a lot from beginning to the end with addiction but we always went to rehab and we always try to stay straight and sober and we wanted to be good parents we wanted to be a family you know so next thing you know I mean she ends up pregnant again like right after dad our first son he's 16 months old now and I don't know one day she wanted to video chat me and she was crying on the phone cuz the first we were just talking on the phone and she was crying and I said what's wrong but really I kind of already knew what was wrong but I wanted her to tell me so she wanted to video chat and I said okay baby and I hated video I changed she always knew that but not that time I was like okay sweetheart so she was crying and she didn't want to tell me and I said maybe tell me whatever you have to tell me it's fine we're one you and me are one and you know this I said you know I love you you no matter what by the way she never not one time she did on me or anything she always held me up on a pedestal for whatever reason cuz I don't think I ever deserved it she did I think she always deserved it. in all reality I feel like I owed her something like me driving her around in I don't know big pink trophy of some kind I think I should have always held her arm up like she was a champion because to me she was a champion she was my champion and like I said there was times that took her for granted and she didn't deserve it she deserved to be held up high no matter what because she was I'm saying she was like no one I've ever met in my life man or a woman I didn't think there was any such thing as a loyal woman for one thing except for my mother well she taught me that there is a such thing as a loyal woman when it comes to being someone in love with your in love with and that you want to spend your life with she was that person to me and there will not be another one. Okay back on traffic so she ends up finally telling me how the video chat that she was pregnant I said baby why were you crying and why are you scared to tell me that I said how could I get mad over that cuz she said I thought you were going to get mad I said how could I get mad it's just as much my fault actually more if you think about it but so she instantly stop crying and she was so what do we do I said we know what to do I said we'll figure it out we'll be ok, I mean we thought about adoption I'm not going to lie but we didn't think about anything else no way we don't believe in abortion or none of that crap I mean nothing against anyone that might but we didn't so anyway fast forward a little bit through the pregnancy we didn't know she was sick so we got a rehab again because we don't want it to be doing drugs while she's pregnant with his baby or anytime at all we just really don't want to be doing them pregnant you know okay so we're going to rehab and now that I think about it she was acting a little different but we didn't think brain tumor at all so about a week after wearing rehab her right arm stops working all together and she's right handed she actually had to pick her right arm up with her left hand if she needed to move her arm she had to pick it up with her left and we were like baby I wonder what's wrong so we thought well maybe it was something in that crap we were doing so we're on the place about getting her to the doctor get her to the doctor and they put it off of longer than they ever should have they should have had her at the doctor well before they did they put it off for a good month or better so she goes to see the sex of our baby and it's another boy he was healthy of course still is he's 14 weeks old so she finds out we're having a boy finds out the same time that oh well this was September 2021 she turned 30 September 4th around September 14th or 15th was the doctor for having a boy and then they tell her this too because their doctors they kind of I guess knew what it sounded like she had but they found out for sure and they tell her the same time oh by the way you also have glioblastoma and if you guys don't know what that is it's the rarest most aggressive brain tumor there is there's no cure it's not inoperable it grows up through your brain everywhere in your brain and by the time they caught hers I guess it was too far gone and they told her she had 10 to 18 months to live it ended up taking over 80% of her brain it even tilted her brain a little bit and even made one of her eyes go up a little higher than her other but I never said anything cuz she was my beautiful woman no matter what and I would have taken care of her for 50 years for 60 to 100 or however long cuz I was taking care of it she also had a stroke after we found out we ended up having a stroke and her balance was off she couldn't really stand up anymore she had to get life flighted to Vanderbilt in Nashville that's where she had the C-section at 8 months and he was 3 lb 4 oz and they also say being pregnant accelerates brain tumors and makes them go faster but good morning she had was already the most aggressive one and they take over really quickly so the day we found that out was today I feel like my life ended because I knew there was nothing we could do even if I wanted to believe she's going to survive the doctors told us that and I started researching the hell out of it nobody survives that brain tumor. But I'll tell you what she was my soldier she was my fire and she was a warrior and she kept a smile on her face every single day no matter what if she was scared and I know she was because her and I had talked talks that I never even wanted to have or never thought I was going to have to have with the love of my life but we did and she hid it well he got to where I had to pack her up the steps and down the steps and that was no problem believe me I didn't mind I wish I was still doing it now. Needless to say she only lived for 4 months she didn't hit the 10 month the 11th month the 15th month or the 18th month that they said it just took over rapidly. The chemo is making her sicker so the doctors said no more chemo you need to go see your kids so she ends up having to live with her mother who never was even there for real she wasn't what I would call mother and she wasn't what she called him she's one of the mothers that will get high with you my mother and father are not like that she loves my parents and I'm not saying that Mom didn't love her but I'm saying she didn't love her in the right way and she didn't love him like she should have until she got sick and then she whatever I don't even like the woman but that's a different story so for whatever reason and I'm going to say this she's a dumbass she put her right back on chemo after knowing the doctor said not to no matter what the doctor said from the time we were in Nashville from the time she was staying with her her mother had an argument for it saying that they don't know what they're talking about or something you know she made people think damn she thinks she's an MD some kind of doctor and she's not anything like that she won't even get a job but anyway I'm going to get off on that. BTW I forgot we named our second son "Jett" Izaak Hicks she wanted to name him Jett I don't know where she came up with that but she did and at first I thought I don't like that name but then I thought wait a minute who am I and who would I be if I said no we're not naming him that whatever she wished was whatever made me happy and you know what it grew on me after a little while it's different that's for sure I chose his middle name it was hard to really come up with anything that went with "Jett" short time she got with that baby she had him in her arms just staring at him rubbing his head, and what I hate is I know why she was staring at him and rubbing his head and wouldn't let him go she knew she wasn't going to be around to know him and he wasn't going to get to know his mother I cannot begin to imagine what was going through her mind the pain she was really feeling underneath and it wasn't something we liked to talk sometimes we would talk about it a little bit but not really not sure wasn't going to pressure her because we always started bawling it uncontrollably we couldn't even talk we would start crying before we even got three words out. I know one day I asked her, what am I going to do without you I sure I can't live without you I don't know what I'm going to do without you and I just kept saying it and I was crying and I couldn't really talk like I would just I don't know I finally got it out and I just kept saying it over and over crying and saying it and then she's going to cry and I said I'm not trying to upset you know right now that I don't know how I'm going to make it without you and I just never thought this is going to happen we thought we were going to be together until we were in our 80s or 90s she had just turned 30 that's crazy. I'm just letting everyone know in my mind her and I were married even though we didn't get that far yet and I didn't need it to say goodbye honestly I wasn't there I made it there about 45 minutes after and a lot of days I can't really forgive myself even though I couldn't really do anything about it I had her a new ring she didn't know I bought it yet her engagement ring wouldn't fit anymore because her fingers were so swelled up that's what those brain tumors do they swell you up. But I was going to tell her because I knew it was coming very soon I was going to tell her baby here's your new ring and we're married I'm marrying us right now we're married forever I was going to say you're the only one for me that's what I was going to say but instead I got there late and I had to put it on her finger in the hospital while she was already done on it her lips were blue but I still said every single word of that to her in between uncontrollable crying. So at the end of the day I have to believe that we met for a reason we were supposed to meet and we were supposed to be together and she taught me a lot she taught me like I said what a woman was supposed to be and I know I taught her a lot too because she knew how much I loved her and she's never had that love before my mom told me that maybe that's what was supposed to happen because her ex husband she was with him for 10 years he wasn't great to her at all but my mom was crying like she was telling me that because they loved her too very much she's the only woman I've been with if they did love or like for that matter. Thank you for reading, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, UNTIL THE DAY WE MEET AGAIN AND THEN STOP I LOVE JUST REPLENISHES BECAUSE WE GET TO FINALLY MEET AGAIN. AND OH BABY DON'T THINK FOR A SECOND IF I KNEW I WOULD BE WITH YOU I WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN MYSELF JUST SO I COULD BE WITH YOU BUT I ALSO KNOW WE HAVE TWO BOYS. I LOVE YOU MY SWEET BABY MY "BOOPSIE" THAT WAS OUR LITTLE NAME WE MADE UP FOR EACH OTHER IF YOU WERE WONDERING. Might sound corny to some but that was our name for one another I made it up and it stuck. All right I'm really going to be quiet or I'll just go on and on and on until I've typed a novel. ILY πŸ’ŸπŸ•ŠοΈπŸ•ŠοΈπŸ•ŠοΈπŸ•ŠοΈA&F I can promise you my love for you will never go away and I miss you more than anything every single day and I'm crying right now I cry everyday because I miss your sweet voice. So until we meet again and until I post something else about you which is every single day on Facebook I love you and I'll always love you just like we always said. The ring never comes off of my finger and it never will it's been on there for I don't know how long 3 years we were together for five and I've had a couple of rings but this one is the one that's been on my finger the longest and it hasn't been off of his finger and I don't know about 3 years and it's not going to come off. All right I'll shut my fat mouth now and my baby down up there you're probably laughing at me. But I know for sure there's one thing you can never question and that's my love for you. A&F #mybeautifulangelinheavenwiththatbigbeautifulsmilejustlikealways

I fully sympathize with you, my friend. May the love of God come into your heart and strengthen and sustain you through the challenges you've described, of not only losing a loved one but also trying to meet the needs of the young children you're left with. Those children are depending on you, who are all they know of God right now. So I pray that our loving Heavenly Father may become a greater reality for you now than ever before.

Richard Kleinmann

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