How to complete the Planning the memorial tribute my child deserves Without reflecting my own pain

I can’t seem to get thru this! My child touched so many lives & he did so silently without praise or expecting anything in return. I had him at the age of 16 & he was my best friend, confidant, we were kindred spirits & as I speak to co workers, friends old & new, from all walks of life, located all over the world, have all said the same thing, he was my best friend, he was my person, he was my inspiration, he was genuine, he was a wealth of knowledge, I have heard funny stories, stories that started as a debate ending in lasting bonds. As the mother of this evolved soul I find this task a painful process. It’s up to me, I am worried I will not even begin to honor his life bc there were so many deeper components of them. He was born Steven, he identified as female & non binary, I knew both Steven & kate, some loved Steven some love Katie some were lucky enough to know steven kate, he loved unconditionally & was married 3 times! Two women, one man, he has a 14 year old son he adored. Steven joined the army after hs, bc I was a young mother I didn’t have a college fund for him. He scored almost perfect on his asvab test & immediately recruited for top secret intelligence & he was deployed to Afghanistan for 13.5 months in 2006. Upon completing his tour of duty in 2008 he was working for a company called stream in NY. Which led to his recruitment in the early days of a Fortune 500 & has been the number one company for employees in the world for almost half a decade called Salesforce. He moved across country to San Francisco, California. During the first year he was soon training offices that opened in Dublin, Ireland, and upon return to California he was asked to do the same thing in the Philippines. He would come home and reunite with his second wife to be present for his Son, packing up again moving to Florida & going remote from home. They parted as friends & active co parents & that brought my child to Delaware, which has been home to our family since a military transfer in 2007. He continued to work remotely & it was so great to get to know the adult my child has become he was happy! Then he said mom can u look at my neck? I am a 30 year nurse veteran & I knew immediately the lump was a lymph node & it was too large to be benign. He went from so healthy he didn’t have a pcp in 10 years to hearing he had aggressive stage IV Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Most of us would of just dealt with affects from treatments, he worked, took me skydiving, bought a house, he had the first stem cell transplant in 2016 after conventional chemo failed, he went on trail studies at penn u research hosp. He was forced to stop working for 6 months. This transplant didn’t eliminate the spots throughout the liver and lymph system but slowed it down. Occasional maintenance chemo the next 3 years. During the cancer years, he completed his masters in computer administration, started doctoral program in same field then suddenly decided to get his doctorate in quantum physics, while working full time, traveling & living his life. The pandemic changed our lives. He was still compromised due to the weakened immune system caused from toxic medications. The specialist was trying to prepare his body for another bone marrow transplant this time allogenic, when she did the 6 month pet scan the cancer has metastasized to the bones & other vital organs. All research was placed into an effective COVID vaccine, except one trial for a different type of cancer. He started it & 30 days later not a trace of cancer in his body, he was reluctant on the BMT, the dr said your young, we found 10/10 match & you did well previous transplant. So we prepared for the diet restrictions & ensuring he had a germ free environment at home. He would be in 30 days & then he would be home. He went into multi system organ failure & lingered toward dialysis & being transferred to icu on top of being neutropenic requiring blood transfusions continuously for 82 days! He was finally home refused to let home health nurses do anything but order supplies he only trusted me & I was happy I could give him that comfort. He was almost down to pre cancer size, his hair was growing back and we celebrated his 36th birthday with his sister on her deck with masks. By November 3rd he was informed of an opening his career goal promotion, he was not feeling 100 but still trying, then the fluid retention returned & he was told he needed to be admitted, they sent him to be admitted thru the ER in a large city during a pandemic! The most immunocompromised patients he couldn’t prepare food! Or eat food prepared outside home & he was placed in harms way! They did the bmt yet didn’t follow the strict protocol we had to take a class to learn. Two days into admission he developed nosocomial vanco resistant bacterial pneumonia, by day five was told he was septic & they wanted to vent him to do a scope. He was reluctant but the day after thanksgiving the performed the scope unsuccessfully & I never spoke to my child again! He was transferred to icu negative pressure room, then I was told 8 days in he had a second bacteria in the blood, by day 9 I was told he had aspirated bc the ng tube was out of place, by day 11 he was requiring transfusions & by day 12 they were sure he was bleeding internally and wanted to explore his abd but would cause his kidneys to shut down needed dialysis, I said no! The research & extraordinary case they wanted to figure out was my first born child! No one would look me in the eye & tell me he wouldn’t leave the hospital, and when I heard we just can’t determine outcome if he will fully recover, until They told me I had to decide to place a tracheostomy and permanent vent in 3-4 days or remove life support. If he went on permanent vent & he survived he would require constant care in rehab center for years extensive painful therapy as his muscles were already depleting. My son wanted cryogenic preservation from first diagnosis & I called them to have team in Arizona I was removing support on Friday December 10th. On wed I brought his two siblings, only one could bare to see him to traumatizing. I was struggling, if there was any chance shouldn’t I hold out hope? How will I get thru this, how will I live with myself if he has a chance & I remove life support too soon, about 1am Thursday December 9th they called to ask if I wanted to make him a dnr bc during changing his position he required artificial respirations even with life support. I called the cryo team at Alcor stating come now, he said yep they are on first flight out. They changed his sedation to keep him alive & he was losing blood faster than it could be transfused. So I got my answer, it wasn’t in my hands, he wasn’t ever coming home, he wouldn’t open the presents under the tree this Christmas & mine from him was the last thing he did before admission. One gift remains just as he left it, he will never wrap another gift. The weird thing is he gave me all my gifts early before he was sick & I had tree up two week prior to return hospital, so we did get to enjoy it together. The day was agonizing bc the hosp had not prepared the legal doc needed to have cryo bc he was the first ever! So although team had been there since 7am with me by his side scared to leave the bedside, it took 34 minutes and I was so thirsty I took one step away for 1/2 second he flat lined with a single tear from inner right eye. I was in a form of shock almost catatonic, for two weeks I could only recall the day, nothing in between my brothers & wives came immediately to help me, my sons dear friend came a couple days too & all I could think my life changed forever when I saw this evolved soul enter the world & I recall clearly my life has changed again watching this remarkable individual depart this world! I struggle with my story, I don’t want to over share and creating a two day event 24/7. It’s okay if I keep some of the memories just for myself. I want his tribute to be a celebration of his life and reflect how knowing him for a minute or a lifetime was a blessing. I am in so much pain from the void of the loss I can’t stay focused on the constant comedy or the deep conversations we had on quantum entanglement or watching hours of silly cat videos. I want to share the many many amazing times but hard to get past not hearing him laugh, or how he gifted others on his bday. Last year the doorbell rang he said mom it’s for u and it was w large box with a 6ft stuffed llama bc it’s my gamer tag is mama llama! Chill until u mess With our kids then we will kick your face and spit in your eye lol Katie always Thru up her arms with excitement exclaimed “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” for years he gifted others on his bday bc that’s what made him happy. Myself & his siblings adopted this tradition in memory of our friend. That’s what hurts the most is the memories overwhelming me with such pain I can barely breath & grief doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m experiencing: please anyone have any suggestions on how to focus on the memorial That preserves the selfless loving person & spreads happiness not a mothers pain & sorrow. All suggestions appreciated thank u for finishing my novel, I can’t seem to tell the story of Steven kate in a short summary. If you read entire post thank u & peace & blessings be yours

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I can’t seem to get thru this! My child touched so many lives & he did so silently without praise or expecting anything in return. I had him at the age of 16 & he was my best friend, confidant, we were kindred spirits & as I speak to co workers, friends old & new, from all walks of life, located all over the world, have all said the same thing, he was my best friend, he was my person, he was my inspiration, he was genuine, he was a wealth of knowledge, I have heard funny stories, stories that started as a debate ending in lasting bonds. As the mother of this evolved soul I find this task a painful process. It’s up to me, I am worried I will not even begin to honor his life bc there were so many deeper components of them. He was born Steven, he identified as female & non binary, I knew both Steven & kate, some loved Steven some love Katie some were lucky enough to know steven kate, he loved unconditionally & was married 3 times! Two women, one man, he has a 14 year old son he adored. Steven joined the army after hs, bc I was a young mother I didn’t have a college fund for him. He scored almost perfect on his asvab test & immediately recruited for top secret intelligence & he was deployed to Afghanistan for 13.5 months in 2006. Upon completing his tour of duty in 2008 he was working for a company called stream in NY. Which led to his recruitment in the early days of a Fortune 500 & has been the number one company for employees in the world for almost half a decade called Salesforce. He moved across country to San Francisco, California. During the first year he was soon training offices that opened in Dublin, Ireland, and upon return to California he was asked to do the same thing in the Philippines. He would come home and reunite with his second wife to be present for his Son, packing up again moving to Florida & going remote from home. They parted as friends & active co parents & that brought my child to Delaware, which has been home to our family since a military transfer in 2007. He continued to work remotely & it was so great to get to know the adult my child has become he was happy! Then he said mom can u look at my neck? I am a 30 year nurse veteran & I knew immediately the lump was a lymph node & it was too large to be benign. He went from so healthy he didn’t have a pcp in 10 years to hearing he had aggressive stage IV Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Most of us would of just dealt with affects from treatments, he worked, took me skydiving, bought a house, he had the first stem cell transplant in 2016 after conventional chemo failed, he went on trail studies at penn u research hosp. He was forced to stop working for 6 months. This transplant didn’t eliminate the spots throughout the liver and lymph system but slowed it down. Occasional maintenance chemo the next 3 years. During the cancer years, he completed his masters in computer administration, started doctoral program in same field then suddenly decided to get his doctorate in quantum physics, while working full time, traveling & living his life. The pandemic changed our lives. He was still compromised due to the weakened immune system caused from toxic medications. The specialist was trying to prepare his body for another bone marrow transplant this time allogenic, when she did the 6 month pet scan the cancer has metastasized to the bones & other vital organs. All research was placed into an effective COVID vaccine, except one trial for a different type of cancer. He started it & 30 days later not a trace of cancer in his body, he was reluctant on the BMT, the dr said your young, we found 10/10 match & you did well previous transplant. So we prepared for the diet restrictions & ensuring he had a germ free environment at home. He would be in 30 days & then he would be home. He went into multi system organ failure & lingered toward dialysis & being transferred to icu on top of being neutropenic requiring blood transfusions continuously for 82 days! He was finally home refused to let home health nurses do anything but order supplies he only trusted me & I was happy I could give him that comfort. He was almost down to pre cancer size, his hair was growing back and we celebrated his 36th birthday with his sister on her deck with masks. By November 3rd he was informed of an opening his career goal promotion, he was not feeling 100 but still trying, then the fluid retention returned & he was told he needed to be admitted, they sent him to be admitted thru the ER in a large city during a pandemic! The most immunocompromised patients he couldn’t prepare food! Or eat food prepared outside home & he was placed in harms way! They did the bmt yet didn’t follow the strict protocol we had to take a class to learn. Two days into admission he developed nosocomial vanco resistant bacterial pneumonia, by day five was told he was septic & they wanted to vent him to do a scope. He was reluctant but the day after thanksgiving the performed the scope unsuccessfully & I never spoke to my child again! He was transferred to icu negative pressure room, then I was told 8 days in he had a second bacteria in the blood, by day 9 I was told he had aspirated bc the ng tube was out of place, by day 11 he was requiring transfusions & by day 12 they were sure he was bleeding internally and wanted to explore his abd but would cause his kidneys to shut down needed dialysis, I said no! The research & extraordinary case they wanted to figure out was my first born child! No one would look me in the eye & tell me he wouldn’t leave the hospital, and when I heard we just can’t determine outcome if he will fully recover, until They told me I had to decide to place a tracheostomy and permanent vent in 3-4 days or remove life support. If he went on permanent vent & he survived he would require constant care in rehab center for years extensive painful therapy as his muscles were already depleting. My son wanted cryogenic preservation from first diagnosis & I called them to have team in Arizona I was removing support on Friday December 10th. On wed I brought his two siblings, only one could bare to see him to traumatizing. I was struggling, if there was any chance shouldn’t I hold out hope? How will I get thru this, how will I live with myself if he has a chance & I remove life support too soon, about 1am Thursday December 9th they called to ask if I wanted to make him a dnr bc during changing his position he required artificial respirations even with life support. I called the cryo team at Alcor stating come now, he said yep they are on first flight out. They changed his sedation to keep him alive & he was losing blood faster than it could be transfused. So I got my answer, it wasn’t in my hands, he wasn’t ever coming home, he wouldn’t open the presents under the tree this Christmas & mine from him was the last thing he did before admission. One gift remains just as he left it, he will never wrap another gift. The weird thing is he gave me all my gifts early before he was sick & I had tree up two week prior to return hospital, so we did get to enjoy it together. The day was agonizing bc the hosp had not prepared the legal doc needed to have cryo bc he was the first ever! So although team had been there since 7am with me by his side scared to leave the bedside, it took 34 minutes and I was so thirsty I took one step away for 1/2 second he flat lined with a single tear from inner right eye. I was in a form of shock almost catatonic, for two weeks I could only recall the day, nothing in between my brothers & wives came immediately to help me, my sons dear friend came a couple days too & all I could think my life changed forever when I saw this evolved soul enter the world & I recall clearly my life has changed again watching this remarkable individual depart this world! I struggle with my story, I don’t want to over share and creating a two day event 24/7. It’s okay if I keep some of the memories just for myself. I want his tribute to be a celebration of his life and reflect how knowing him for a minute or a lifetime was a blessing. I am in so much pain from the void of the loss I can’t stay focused on the constant comedy or the deep conversations we had on quantum entanglement or watching hours of silly cat videos. I want to share the many many amazing times but hard to get past not hearing him laugh, or how he gifted others on his bday. Last year the doorbell rang he said mom it’s for u and it was w large box with a 6ft stuffed llama bc it’s my gamer tag is mama llama! Chill until u mess With our kids then we will kick your face and spit in your eye lol Katie always Thru up her arms with excitement exclaimed “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” for years he gifted others on his bday bc that’s what made him happy. Myself & his siblings adopted this tradition in memory of our friend. That’s what hurts the most is the memories overwhelming me with such pain I can barely breath & grief doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m experiencing: please anyone have any suggestions on how to focus on the memorial That preserves the selfless loving person & spreads happiness not a mothers pain & sorrow. All suggestions appreciated thank u for finishing my novel, I can’t seem to tell the story of Steven kate in a short summary. If you read entire post thank u & peace & blessings be yours

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